Inheritance One

I get you I’d feel the same it’s not about the money it’s about emotions and fairness. Your siblings not caring but still getting rewarded must hurt. It is what it is. It’s understandable, but you know the comfort and love you gave to your grandparent and that is priceless. That is what really matters and that’s what you can hold onto xx

I certainly think it's unreasonable if you have not benefited from a huge amount of appreciation for your devotion from your grandparents' children, including your parent.

Whether this comes in monetary form or not I think is up to the individual. I am not clear if you are saying your work has not being recognised or that it has but you'd like some money as a token of this.

While I wouldn't argue with the parent over money (as that puts you against your siblings) I would certainly complain more generally if I felt my dedication had not been fully appreciated by your parent and their siblings.

Edited to add that you say it's a very very long story so possibly there is more relevant info that you haven't told us.

I think you need to split the money from your thoughts of inheritance and not think of it as your grandparent’s anymore.

your grandparent gave their money to their children.

separately, your parents have come into some money and what they want to do with that money is give a little gift to each of their children.

if you can detach those two things then you might feel less upset by it.

Presumably they're thinking about the future and that potentially both of you might need to step in for them on the care front and they're giving you each an equal gift in the hope you may be supportive in future?

It's not and shouldn't be directly connected to the level of care you gave the nan. Really if you think you should benefit financially from that then it's her not leaving you anything you should be annoyed about.

Your mum didn't need to give either of you any of her inheritance.

My cousin and I did exactly this for our Grandmother.
Our mothers were her two daughters who had predeceased her.
Her money went equally to her 3 sons who were still alive.
We were never offered a penny.
It is what it is 🤷

Have your parents thanked you for what you did caring-wise? Have you managed to keep your career/ job going too?

It's no longer your grandparent's money. It's now your parent's money, focus on that.

Let's say your parent had won the money on a scratch card, would you still feel the way you do? If so, why?

Finally, consider this. The situation is not making you feel the way you do. You are choosing to feel as you do as your response to the situation. Let me repeat that. You are choosing this negative emotional response. You can choose to have a different one and if you did then you, and likely everyone else involved, would be happier for it. So choose a different emotional response. You can do it if you want to.

I think given the circs, if your parents are happy to give £8k away, they should give your siblings £1k each, and give you £5k, to acknowledge your dedication and help. I think that would be fair.

Ofcourse it's not. I understand you but try to not think about it and hope for karma to do the work.

Try to see it for what it truly is - your parent has inherited money (regardless of source) and they want to share some of it with their children.

Think of it as your parent’s money, not your deceased grandparent’s money.

That is not for you to decide. Please don't assume you know what's best for them just because they are above a certain age.

If your parents had won the lottery and wanted to split it in the same way would you be angry? The source of the money needs to be separated here. Presumably they aren’t giving it to you because you cared for your grandad, but because you are one of their children.

sorry for your loss

But they're not going to, so that raises the possibility they'd instead have used the money for/towards something else their kids might ultimately benefit from.

I do get where you're coming from. This isn't about you receiving an inheritance, it's about people receiving one who you don't think deserve it. But them's the breaks with this sort of thing. Even when you know what the will said and could feel reasonably sure it wouldn't be changed, any/all of their DC could've chosen to disclaim their share and vary it.

Unfortunately you come across as grabby and entitled, even though you don't mean to. You need to remember your grandparent with affection and not let this supposed unfair division of money affect you. Be proud of yourself for providing the care that you did.

When my grandmother got really unwell with dementia she came to live at my parent's house where she was cared for by my mum until her death. My mum was the executor to her will. When the house sold it was split between the 3 children despite my mum being the carer. My nan also left £1k to each of her grandchildren, even though two of them didn't bother with her at all. It is what it is.

YABU to think you can have a say on what your parent chooses to do with their inheritance.

It is your parent's money, so they can spend it how they want. They don't have to give anyone anything, and could put it all on a horse in the 4.30 at Ascot..... frankly, you may never know.
If they offer you a gift, just accept gratefully. That's it.

If it’s not about the money and you don’t want the money, then don’t take it.

You are being unfair to your parents. It’s their money and they can do what they want with it. They want to give it to their children, just like your grandparents wanted to help your parents.

You saying your siblings shouldn't get anything because they did nothing contradicts you saying you didn't expect any inheritance because you cared for them.

I think most people understand that the children of the people they give their inheritance to will (at some point) benefit from that money.
If your grandparents really didn't want your siblings to have any money I guess they could have made the conditions clear in the Will.

It's tough going, it is and I understand it feels unfair. But just take pride that you're a kinder, more thoughtful person than your siblings, who helped your elderly family when they needed it. Money you have no control of, but the type of person you are you do and you did a lovely thing. Try and let the rest go.

Yeah I'm not sure I would accept £2k and buy a luxury handbag if the giver was in debt. Do you think it might help to talk to your siblings about this even if you don't bring your feelings about your grandparents into it?

In terms of grieving I wonder if you would be able to keep something physical of theirs and make a memory box or photo album or plant a rose bush or something to remember them by? I'm sorry your siblings aren't sharing in the same level of grief, that sounds really hard for you.

Just give your parents back the £2k

The first part of your post is contradictory to the second part. You clearly did hope to inherit something in return for the care you gave.

Giving adult children unequal amounts of money from an inheritance inevitably causes resentment, that’s probably what your parent wants to avoid.

Also, the money was never yours. As such it’s up to your parent to decide what they do with THEIR money. Your grandmother could easily have made provision for you and your siblings in her will so I feel you should be grateful to have the opportunity to give the £2K to charity or whatever and make a bit of a difference to others, as you say you don’t want the money.

But that's in your opinion. Maybe they think they are servicing the debt pretty well already and the windfall should be spread among their offspring. Maybe they don't care about the debt.

You deciding that they 'should' pay off their debt is nothing to do with them giving their children money.