Inheritance One

You can’t monetise what you did and it only hurts you to resent the others.

At the end of the day this is an equal gift from your parents to you and your siblings. This is their choice. Where the money came from or why is irrelevant really as this is THEIR gift to you all. You have to view it like this.

No she sounds like she is human and she is grieving.

Op, when you were caring for them, did it wind you up then? We don't like what we aren't. Or did you feel that they "should" have done some caring? It's all complicated isnt it family stuff.

You are being deliberately obtuse. OP has said many times that she doesn't want any money. She doesn't want her siblings to have any of the money. She wants her parent who inherited £12k to keep that money to pay of their debts.

Providing hand-on care for a grandparent is a selfless act. Not many people would do this. OP didn't want or expect her grandparent to leave her any money in return for providing care. She didn't want or expect her parent to give her or her siblings a share of their inheritance.

@Chocolatefiregaurd Caring for an elderly relative can be very, very tiring and stressful and is very hard, as you have said in your post. No matter how much you love the person(s) being cared for. It's even harder when there are other people who COULD help with the caring and make your life a little bit easier and choose not to. I have personal experience of this.

One of the stages of grief is being angry. Unfortunately sometimes the anger can then be directed elsewhere and I suspect that the 'inheritance'; is what yours has found to be an outlet. You are angry at your siblings - understandably so, since their behaviour is very unkind to you, who cared very much about your grandparent and they don't understand, because they are not hurting in the same way.

Would it help to acknowledge that you are angry with them for NOT caring enough when their Grandparent needed the help - but also acknowledge that your parents are doing what they feel they need to do, to treat all their children the same way, when they have some money. From your parents point of view, they won't feel they can do anything else? I understand you would rather they settled some debts of their own, but if they decide otherwise, then that is their choice.

You can still feel angry with your siblings, but the two are actually different things, which given the situation have become the same thing in your mind, when actually they are not? Don't know if that's helpful or not, but I do feel for you and I do understand why you feel the way you do.

@Chocolatefiregaurd you said you didn't do ot with the hope of money so I don't understand why you are irked by your parents deciding to give each of theor children £2k from their money, albeit money arising from an inheritance.

TBF I feel annoyed for DH. He isn't annoyed. MIL's estate will split equally three ways. Hos sisters have lived thousands of miles away for 40 years, rarely visit, treat mil's house like an hotel when they do and one decided not to attend her father's funeral because the trip would be too stressful for her. She's also the one who doesn't bother ringing her mother on Christmas Day. Their third will be life changing for them and I imagine they will be in the UK faster than I can say Jack Robinson when the time comes.

Meanwhile DH does the 450 mile round trip monthly and has for nearly 20 years. This is now every two weeks, does the admin, the garden, manages (and pays for) carers, etc.

I have to go along withit, but honestly, I think DH should get half.

This is why I think that when a child/grandchild goes over and above with caring it’s better to give them money (if you can afford it) at the time. I get it OP and don’t think you’re grabby. That said you’ve done was right for you, now you need to decide if you would do it again knowing that your parent seems to have expected it with no/little acknowledgment either verbally or financially,

It’s 2 grand - I couldn’t get het up about that

Feeling angry at that is totally justified. Your siblings should feel humbled that they are receiving money indirectly from someone they didn't make any effort for. You can't do anything about it, though. They are showing that they are not very classy people and you know you have different values.

Many people get inheritances from relatives they didn't have much to do with or even know about.
You are grieving, they aren't, so of course this is going to be hard for you but you have to separate your feelings about the inheritance from your actual grief.
Enjoy your share maybe take a lovely break somewhere. Sounds like you deserve it.

You need to take the emotional side out of it as much as you can.

If your parents came into money some other way would it upset you that they are treating you and your sibling the same? You aren't being given this money because you did the caring, you are being given it because your parents have come into money.

I honestly don't think you are.

I think you are just struggling with what you feel is the unfairness of it all. And I totally get it.

But I would graciously accept the financial gift as I feel its what your grandmother would have wanted and try not to let this eat you up too much as it is what it is.

You cannot manage their emotions. And you are not responsible for them.
Only your own.

Decline accepting it. They can’t force you to take it.
this is a gift from your parents who are treating their children equally. Not inheritance from a grandparent

You do sound like you're trying to have your cake and eat it here.

If you genuinely didn't want anything for providing care, then you should see the offered £2000 as a nice bonus you weren't expecting.

If you think you should get more - or your siblings get less - because you provided care, then clearly it isn't true that you wanted nothing for providing care.

Your opinion that it would benefit your parents to keep it is irrelevant - it's their money and their decision how best to use it.

I do understand your frustration that your parents didn't take care of their debt. Sorry for your loss, op.

I don't think you are grabby OP and I am sorry for your loss.

This isn't about the money YOU are getting, this is about the money THEY are getting, more than anything and you are right in thinking that it is unfair that they benefit from the death of someone they didn't even seem to care that much about. That must hurt.

However I agree with a PP who said reframe this as a gift from your parents, and nothing to do with your grandmother and it may help you get your head around it better.

Your parents WANT you all to have an equal share, hence giving you 2K each. Let them do this if they want to. It may well be that your grandmother asked them to give you a little each when she passed.

When my lovely Mum passed away, she had spoken to me previously and asked me if I would please give some of what I stood to inherit (5/50 split with my brother) to my daughters, her grandchildren. I obviously promised I would and I stood by that promise and they had 3K each. But it was labelled as a gift from my parents, and not from me.

Both my daughters would not have accepted anymore than this as they wanted me to enjoy MY inheritance but also understood that this was the wish of their grandparents so accepted. So bear in mind this could be a similar situation.

If I were you I would accept it gratefully and try and ignore the reaction of your siblings who are the ones that are coming across as grabby.

I am afraid it is contradictory. You start by clearly saying you did not expect anything for looking after grandad.
You then explain he has left money to his children. All as expected.
But then you complain that your parent is sharing what grandad left in equal measure. And you feel aggrieved because you looked after grandad more.

I don’t think your appear grabby, OP. My understanding of the situation, in summary, is:

• You chose to care for your GP and did so out of love, and not inheritance, which you knew all along was being gifted to your parents in the will.
• You don’t expect your parents to share any of their inheritance with you & your siblings.
• You’re upset that your parents have gifted some of their inheritance to you & your siblings. However, you perhaps justify your own share as deserving because you cared for your GP, whereas your siblings didn’t.

I can see why you’re frustrated, but this just boils down to the matter of your parents choosing to gift some of their inheritance to their children. The caring part is irrelevant- they’ve obviously just decided to gift a certain amount and share it equally between you all. I think you’ll just have to find a way to move on mentally from the frustration you feel OP, otherwise it will keep simmering and the only person that will really affect is you.

Your parents have come into some money and want to share it with their children. This is a nice thing to do.
You're looking at it in a very strange way. The connection between the money is your parents to their children, not your grandparents and their grandchildren. Regardless of what contact they had with the grandparents, your parents are presumably close enough to want to share their money.
I think grief is clouding your judgement. But inheritance is not a reward or payment for anything. It's a choice people make about what to do with their money. Your parents are still alive so it's even more true that it's up to them what they spend their money on.

No, OP doesn't think that any of the grandchildren, including herself, should be getting money from her grandparent's estate. She wishes that her parent, who inherited £12k from OP's grandparent, would use the money to pay off their £8k debt instead of giving away £8k to her children.

I think you need to add in a separation point.

the £2000 you and siblings are receiving is not inheritance. It is nothing to do with your grandparent. It is a gift from your parents.

You cannot expect that they would give only one child a financial gift surely? If you can view it as a gift from your parents then your annoyance will go away.

I think you just to tell your siblings you don’t want to be included in their discussions about what they are spending the money because you are grieving at the loss of Grandad and are finding it in bad taste.