Inheritance One

OP, i can understand your reaction.

Your parents are foolish to not be using this all to pay down debt.
I would tell them that too.

Sorry for your loss.

I can understand your thinking. It doesn't make sense and seems unjust when people benefit but don't deserve to.

My mum will be leaving her estate to my sister and me. My sister doesn't spend much time with her, barely likes her, but will benefit equally. I have sole access to some of the money she'll be receiving, (there's no written will), and even though I dont think she warrants it, I'll do as I've been asked by my mum and will forward it on to my sister.

What can you do, but accept the decision your parents have made.

I never expected anything financially as the will was clear and it wasn’t a secret, everything was to be split between their children equally.

The will was clear the money was to be split equally, so your parent got their share and has now decided she also wants to split it equally. Where’s the problem, your siblings may not of seen the grandparent recently but they are still your mums children. It sounds like you did expect more financially

It’s a tale as old as time unfortunately, but try not to focus on what your parents are doing. They’re damned if they do and damned if they don’t give you all an equal share. Do something nice with your £2000 and know that the love and appreciation you had for your grandparents and they for you, far outweighs the benefit of a couple of thousand pounds.

It would hurt me greatly and I would expect that my hard labour and time I spent caring was considered in to this decision.
i know that is not the popular mumsnet view, but I would feel exactly as you do.

You will get battered on here but I see where you’re coming from. When my grandad passed away all money went to children. However my mum chose to give me a small gift and my sibling a larger one. That was because my sibling did lots more for my grandad than I ever did. It was completely fair that my sibling get a bigger gift, frankly they earned it.

I would have felt the same! Not because I would have cared for them to get money out of it but because the people that they didn’t care will also get equal amount. Feels unfair. Sorry for what happened!

.

It's disgusting. Money and loss. It never occured to me the 2 were connected, until it was too late.

Obiv you don't need to accept the money your parents choose to give you, you can use your voice and say you would rather they had it and used it on their debts.

It is their money, it was left to them if they choose to give some of it to all of their children, that's their choice.

I cared for my gtrandparent too. My sister had only met him twice as a child and had never seen or spoke to him since. ( I met him again as an adult and began caring for him shortly after meeting him. I cared for him for 7 years) Mum gave me 10k and my sister 2k. I thought it was fair my sister didn’t

Was there a reason that you ended up caring for your grandparent and not your parents. That's quite unusual.

They didn't care, OP. You can't make them care but you're absolutely right to feel that the seeming injustice stings.
At least you have no regrets, don't let this sour your memory.
I hope they treat your parents better if the time ever comes that they need support but I suspect you'll be the last woman standing - again.

This will be me.
YANBU OP whatsoever.
I’ve been sole support to my parents for 6 plus years. Do everything, medical admin, life admin, shopping during Covid, pretty much everything they can’t do for themselves.
On the other hand my only sibling rings less than once a week, visits maybe twice a year, their child rarely rings or visits their grandparents (but gets handouts all the time), but when the time comes the vast estate will be split in 3. A third to me (to share with my partner who does a lot for them too), a third to my sibling and a third to their child. It should be a 50/50 split but I know it won’t be.
It boils my piss but nothing I can do.
At least I can look myself in the mirror and know I did right by my parents.

I get it @Chocolatefiregaurd When my mum died she left nearly a million pounds (very unexpected- she lived like a pauper. We didn't know she had that sort of money) to be shared equally between myself and my three siblings.

For the five years before my mums death I was pretty much her carer. When she was at home, I cooked and shopped for her, I escorted her on her many medical appointments. I took care of her life admin. When she went into care I cleared and sold her house. I visited her regularly and advocated for her. It was hard work and an absolute burden. She wasn't a nice woman. She was not a loving parent. She was verbally and physically abusive in our childhoodbut there was no one else around to help her. During that time my sister visited once and my bothers never did.

i was her executor. It took 2 years of hard work to settle her estate and I am hugely resentful that I did so much and my siblings did fuck all but they got the exact same amount as I did.

I can honestly say it's not about the money. DH and I didn't need it so we did a deed of variation and passed my share directly to our adult children but the injustice of it really bugs me.

I think you need to stop seeing the money as belonging to your grandparent.

Your parents inherited, in line with the will, and in line with your expectations of the will. You are very comfortable with the asset divide, and that is the topic over.

Separately, your parents have found themselves in a position where they’re able to gift each of their children £2,000. The amount is equal because their love for you is, and they are treating you fairly. I’m sorry for your loss, and your grandparent sounds lucky to have had you, but you’re dissatisfaction at your parents generosity is misguided. If you don’t want £2,000 from them, ask them to make a donation in your name to a charity you care about.

Haven’t read all the replies, but have you spoken to your parent about this - ‘Dad, I find it a bit difficult that you are gifting us all the same amount from granny, given the other three weren’t involved in her care’?

It’s up to him, but why not have the conversation?

Your parents are being totally unfair usually looking after an aged parent falls to the child not the grandchild. You’ve saved your parents a huge amount of work and time I don’t understand their thinking but they’ve got it all wrong. It’s awful that the death of your grandparent has left such a bad taste bit of your parents and ability to accept what really happened

I get it Op. Nobody would appreciate beneficiaries rubbing their hands together and excitedly talking about what they’re going to spend their money on while you’re there in the throes of grief. It wouldn’t matter if you had inherited a million pounds, and they had inherited 10k. If they’re standing there acting like that, that’s what your problem is.

As others have said, this is a gift from their parents. They had no relationship with their grandparents so they’re not going to be sad. Unfortunately they don’t seem to be sensitive enough to act appropriately around the people who they should know are going to be sad. This is separate from money. Just accept your gift from your parents and don’t worry about their debt - that’s their business and not yours.

Now you know what kind of people your siblings are I suppose. I’m sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like you did a great job looking after your relative. Regarding the inheritance, I think that as others have said, you need to stop thinking of this as your grandparent's money. It stopped being this as soon as your parent inherited it. Now your parent has a windfall and they're sharing it equally between their kids, as is reasonable. Try to make that emotional break if you can.

So what do you want? Lots of mixed messages in your posts.

I am sorry for your loss, try to think of the special relationship you had with your grandparent as something your siblings missed out on and can now never know.

So it's really about your parent treating you and your sibling equally, regardless of your sublings efforts toward family.

Yanbu to be cheesed off.

I think all you can do is mentally note it and be glad you went to the effort for the relatives sake but take note that your parent can whistle if they expect more care from you than the sibling in future.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I don't think you sound grabby at all, you sound very caring of your parent and grapdparent, and are clearly grieving the loss of your grandparent.

You cared out of love and are missing them dreadfully, did not expect and actually don't want any of the money. Your siblings on the other hand are not emotionally involved and see the £2k as a nice windfall. And you want better for your parent, and for them to use the inheritance to look after themselves first.

Your parent will do what they want with what is now their money, but I hope that you can share your grief with them. I completely understand that it must hurt that your siblings are only thinking about what to buy, while you're coming to terms with your loss.

I think the fact that people are finding this tricky to understand says more about them that you tbh. All the best to you.