Parenting Professor says that she supports smacking children

What do people mean by what alternative is there to smacking?

I have used: a firm voice. Immediate removal from a situation. Taking things away and putting them away. I have told my children off. I have maintained a strict demeanour when they have misbehaved. So no ‘nice mummy’ doing hugs and cuddles 5 mins after they have behaved badly. And always immediate consequences. I don’t feel bad if they don’t get something, have something etc.

This might be hugely controversial but we are no screen/low screen family (and I had a toddler and a primary school kid during COVID and had to WFH so I know the pain) and this means my kids have had to get used to being bored. It was a pain at first especially on longer journeys but now they’ll listen to audiobooks, music, chat to us. We watch movies, sport, cooking programmes, Gladiators but most if not all screen time is communal watching.

I have a teenager and a pre teen. Of course they have their moments but boundaries are boundaries and I have held them very strictly. So they could scream and scream and I wouldn’t give in when they were toddlers. That stopped fairly quickly. You also set expectations- we are going here and I expect X.

I once told my child that if he continued to behave in a certain way after school every day then for a mufti day he would have no home clothes- he could be the only one in school uniform. And I stuck to that line.
At the same time I also looked into WHY he was behaving that way- some of it was him showing off to his friends and being disrespectful. So I spoke to his teacher and began collecting him from a different place and going home without the post school drama. In 3 weeks it was sorted.

My experience is that kids are quite smart and once you hold the line/boundary consistently for a while they know what those boundaries are. I also have high expectations of my kids- I have two boys and I have zero desire to produce useless men. From when they were tiny they have been doing chores.
Now they do my recycling, help with laundry, can make their breakfast, always help with tidying. These are non negotiable. They can change their sheets. And in the summer the teenager makes lunch twice a week and dinner once a week and his brother helps him.

Finally of course how we discipline has changed. With the teenager there are more natural consequences. There was a brief thing about the phone and I simply took it away and handed him a brick phone. I think I am not afraid to be unpopular with my kids. Am I too strict? Maybe. Does it help that my kids are neurotypical? Of course it does. Does it help that DH and I don’t have huge money worries and good jobs which are somewhat flexible? Of course.

You would think if the smacking was so effective he wouldn’t be “acting up” while out for dinner.
It’s almost as if smacking doesn’t actually create behavioural change beyond a child being afraid of their parents in the moment.

Discipline doesn’t equal smacking. Would you be happy for your child’s teacher to smack them?

Absolutely not true. Its lazy parents who have to resort to physical viol6to get their kids to behave because they fear them. Its not teaching values is it. Its teaching if you dont get your own way use violence. Id love to see a study conducted on prison inmates and whether or not there's a higher than average chance they were hit at home. Id wager there would be!

There is not one tiny bit of understanding or compassion in that post @ThisOliveKoala . Not one.

100% look at the economy, look at the threads in here. Parents scared of 5 year olds, badly behaved children leading to divorces, it’s mad. They give children so much power and are scared to discipline them. You now have freak teens running througg city centres, every child is on some form of ehcp, anxiety - little darlings can’t bear to go to school, but I’m sure they are having screen time. It’s the rest of us who have to pay for the lack of discipline. The largest yoy increase spend for Local Authorities are SEND services (followed by adults (elderly). It’s all weird reasons their children are on these plans. The root cause of it all being lack of discipline

Well you're wrong im afraid. My dh grew up in a religious home. His parents were 'old fashioned' or 'conservative' in their parenting views. His relationship with his dad is superficial and slightly strained and he absolutely says its because he remembers his dad smacking him multiple times as a kid. Never hard, no, but it was still scary. Especially waiting for the smack apparently.
I would never use physical violence on a child as a punishment and I cant understand the mentality of someone who would frankly.
Having said that I did once slap a 2 year olds hand away as he was reaching out to the BBQ. He wasnt my kid and he cried. I took him to his mum who luckily thanked me rather than being annoyed. Obviously it wss the context that made that one different

I agree, no one is saying abuse your child - bruises, broken bones et al. However I see nothing wrong with snacking a child. Granted not every infraction will result in it, but it’s okay to use it when necessary- reasonably of course. Spare the rod spoil the child.

I was in Jordan having dinner at a restaurant a family were sitting next to us, the little boy started to act up, literally one smack from the mum and he sat nicely at dinner. No screeching, no terribly behaved kids.

In what way is it different if an adult was to smack you?

Hitting children never made sense to me. They’re obviously far more vulnerable than adults yet if we hit another adult we could face prison time but we’re allowed to hit children as we see fit? If I smacked my DH because he was irritating me that would be DV but if I did the exact same thing to my DC, well they’re fair game because they’re under 18?? It doesn’t add up.

It’s just a sign of weakness. You lost control of the situation and lashed out. It teaches the children that it’s ok to resort to violence when stressed. I also can’t picture a world in which people grow up healthy and happy having to deal with the person who is supposed to love and nurture them smacking them for being annoying.

great post

It's not abuse, though. Calling it abuse doesn't make it so.

Lots of kids grow up lovely without a lot of things.

Some kids grow up smacking their parents because their parents were too silly to discipline them, probably out of fear of being judged by MN.

I didn't have to smack my DC but I damn sure would have, if they ever crossed certain lines, and they knew it.

I also raised my voice, when needed. This is not abuse. To equate any of this to abuse is so misguided and nonsensical.

I'm glad this professor is trying to turn this around.

Our society is full of abusive children, who think it's okay to abuse other children and adults, and it needs to change.

It won't change until we acknowledge the truth.

Not everything can be managed with good intention and feelings.

Discipline is not abuse. Equating smacking to abuse is silly.

It's not one or the other...that's my point. It can sometimes (and need to) be both.

And when just a smack doesn’t work? How far do you go?

Mine is heading for three, and we're still waiting for the terrible twos. Persuasion methods have evolved a bit as he's got older, but he's still basically very easy to manage.

It might flip overnight, but I'll just count myself lucky I've had it easy so far.

Ans if it doesn’t work? Particularly if you have a “difficult, violent” child? Smack harder? Choose a different part of the body? Use an implement? Where do you go with it?

For everyone that supports smacking, do you think nurseries / childcare providers and teachers should also be allowed to smack children?

No, I just know my child, as I’m sure you know yours.

So have you smacked her then, to know that her reaction would be instant quelling and obedience, not, say, a massive screaming tantrum, hitting you back or running off? The whole issue is that two year olds don't have good impulse control or ability to discern the consequences of their actions so I don't think you can assume she would react 'logically'.

I used to live somewhere where you would see kids being smacked all the time, and kids were really badly behaved (and the teenagers committed a lot of actual crime). I never liked seeing kids get hit, but I also could see no actual sign of it working.

A bit of a short sharp shock and some embarrassment is sometimes no bad thing for a misbehaving child.

Quite; because she would be scared and quelled, in that moment anyway.

DD used to be fairly easy, then she turned two.

I am hoping it’s a phase. To be honest both my children are OK together and ds is actually a lovely little boy on his own. DD not so much but definitely manageable and I’m sure it’s just a difficult age / stage (I do remember ds being a bit of a nightmare at 2 / early stages of 3.)

Together it is horrific and it can be very stressful and overwhelming.

I think while we insist there are options that will get compliance and they don’t work it makes parents feel like a failure (or it does me) and then you end up with frustration and burnout. I’ve shouted at mine today and no I haven’t smacked or manhandled but I’m not going to feel superior about that as I know my words will hurt as much as my hands.

It’s easier to parent with threats certainly and in the short term probably yields better results but it doesn’t make it right.

Why do you think the smacking would have stopped her going straight back on it? Because she'd then be scared of you? I've seen plenty of kids be smacked and carry on being defiant, it's not magic! Kids who know they might get a smack tend to be runners when they're in trouble so they absolutely need restraining.