Parenting Professor says that she supports smacking children

Hmmm. My parents hit. This is what they knew as parenting. It stopped when one of my siblings hit back. It's an aspect that parents don't always think of - one day the kid you are hitting will simply hit back and when that kid is bigger than you well ......

I smacked my children when young. It didn’t alienate them. It enforced boundaries. It certainly didn’t lead to poor GCSE results.

Yes, I think they do.

I also think that if anyone can give me a direct consequence that will deter a child from some unwanted behaviour immediately and a young child (under 5) can understand I will be impressed as I haven’t seen one yet!

How did you discipline your children? Clearly you managed without hitting them.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say violent children (unless it's due to a neurodevelopmental condition) probably come from households where they are exposed to violence.

I don't smack and never will smack my children, and I would never advise someone to smack their child.

But I also grew up rurally and know that animals are far less naval-gazey about ordering their young, so I think that the truth is probably more nuanced than "a single slap will disorder your child's brain patterns forever and they will have attachment disorders and become violent".

Seeing lambs and calves and kittens and puppies and chicks biffed, pushed, headbutted and knocked around suggests that most animals resort to getting physical when needed (usually, it has to be said, with a physical issue, since verbal rules don't exist in nature either). I also had the normal low-level sibling on sibling rumpus, and am a totally non-violent adult.

To a certain extent, teens are always going to be a bit of a law unto themselves. You would hope (ha!) that if they’ve been used to firm boundaries but kind and respectful parenting yadda yadda in the early years then they will continue in the same vein and many do, but some just go off the rails and it isn’t the fault of the parents. (Then sometimes you get children who are lovely despite their parents, not because!) That’s why I always take with a huge pinch of salt the declarative sort of statements common on here ’OP, your kid sounds awful and he will have no friends ‘

You say this, yet none of my local schools have a need for metal detectors. Yet where we lived in England every school had one.

I agree.

And there comes a point when children hit a certain age where no amount of telling them not to do something is going to have any effect on their behaviour.

Without fear of consequence then children can pretty much do as they please. I am obviously not saying that the consequence should be violence but in some situations, there are no outcomes that act as enough of a consequence to deter teenagers.

I’ve seen mothers on here in absolute desperation with their 15/16 year old son’s attitude/behaviour (including aggression and violence in some cases) and shes being told not to let him leave the house, to take his phone off him and not give in to him and set firm boundaries etc and it’s ludicrous. Some lads of that age are over 6ft and I imagine if he’s screaming at his 5ft 3” scared mother it’s not to easy as “just not giving in” to him.

I have two sons and I often wonder what lies ahead.

They are currently 12 and 8 and they are as Good as Gold but I’m under no illusion we will possibly have issues ahead of us.

Thankfully my husband is a secondary school teacher and has worked in various inner city schools in quite deprived areas so has a lot of experience with managing/communicating with aggressive and violent teenage boys, so I’m hoping this will be a potential advantage.

Me and DH have never raised a hand to our children, and we never would, but they know that their dad won’t tolerate any kind of crap. We both make it very clear what our expectations are in terms of their behaviour and there will be consequences as needed, but that’s easy to do at this age.

Even though he’s never given them any reason to be, I do think there is a small element of fear in them of how their dad would react if they did something really bad and I’m hoping that will keep them on the straight and narrow.

In what way do you want her credentials challenged? Do tou doubt that she has the qualifications thwy say?
Im in scotland, and i supported the ban on smacking, but there are very few things in academia that have universal agreement. I have no issues in others doing research and challenging general consensus, otherwise smacking would never have been banned here in the first place. You dont have to agree with her, but shes entitled to her views, and her qualifications.

They do but this takes a long time to teach and without a sort of ‘final sanction’ before they really understand bribery or the link between an action and a consequence it can be very difficult. Mostly, all you have is removing them from a situation and that’s not always possible.

Yet Scottish classroom violence is much higher.

Picking up the point of “smacking being impossible to police”, I disagree.

In Scotland, it’s not a police matter immediately. Child services are informed after a disclosure and the family are supported, not criminalised, if it really is just a smack. Obviously, great physical harm is escalated and obviously physical abuse of children still happens, but smacking is not commonplace.

When I taught in England, I had just about weekly disclosures of smacking/being hit in a class. In Scotland, I’ve had two in 5 years.

Hitting children is never ok in any circumstances at all. Loads of children behave well, respect others, show kindness and empathy without being hit.

It’s illegal to use force on an adult or to falsely imprison them. Are you against picking up or physically handling children or telling them they have to stay in their room?

Generally, taking decisions on behalf of children and making them do things would be coercive control of an adult.

None of that condones smacking, but illegality as regards adults is a silly argument.

I disagree with hitting anyone, particularly children, but it seems the study found parents' with lower educational attainment were more likely to hit their children who are also more likely to have lower educational attainment, rather then smacking causes GCSE failure.

British parents and misguided views on what is and isn’t ‘safeguarding’ have turned kids into mini tyrants who can do no wrong and do whatever they want while some parents fear the consequences of actually parenting. This is no good thing because look at what society is turning into. Look at what adults we are producing. Look at the economy.

Absolutely this!! Just look at how many threads are running at this very moment where teenagers are beating up and disrespecting their parents all day 🤯

I don't do it, but I don't think that the odd smack is a big deal if it works

Absolutely. And what’s more we are seeing far more violence toward teachers, parents and classmates. ‘Modelling behaviour’ indeed…

I teach in a country where parents routinely smack children. They get very high academic results and poor behaviour or social disorder is almost zero. I think we have to stop labelling parenting as abuse and comparing “assault” of adults with a tap on a child’s hand. Lower socioeconomic parents who beat up their kids are absolutely not the same as thoughtful parents who sometimes smack and the poor results low socioeconomic kids get are part of a pattern of bad parenting not one thing, and anyway not every kid is A star material and we don’t 100% know if this is nature or nurture. But on MN a DH that gives you a funny look once in 40 years is abusive so what hope is there of a balanced view on here? British parents and misguided views on what is and isn’t ‘safeguarding’ have turned kids into mini tyrants who can do no wrong and do whatever they want while some parents fear the consequences of actually parenting. This is no good thing because look at what society is turning into. Look at what adults we are producing. Look at the economy.

You took absolutely everything away from them when they were 3 because they ‘understood their privileges’ at that age?

Smacking is awful and I don’t want to ever return to it.

Equally, I wish we were more honest about the fact that without it, we are quite powerless.

I recognise those may appear to be two contradictory things but I do feel a lot of the time like I have absolutely no way to stop my children doing things than to repeatedly tell them to stop doing things.

Personally, I make my kids know that the luxuries they have are rewards for fulfilling their duties. Those duties are age dependent home errands and individualised education oriented goals. They are also highly praised for things that show support to their family and community.

That means that most things they have can be taken away if they stop fulfilling those duties and they will get a lot less if they choose not to support wider family and community. When it gets to the point that I take things away, I take everything away apart from necessities for school.

We have got to that point once so far with the eldest when he was a younger teen.

I had to do a lot of nipping in the bud with him. Lots of leaving places and going home if he pushed too far. Insisting on listening the first time. The others have been easier in that respect, partly because he sets some expectations.

I’ve never smacked my children, or inflicted any cruel or physical punishments.

But disciplining children without it is very hard. You take a toy, so what? Their rooms are all like Hamleys these days. What else is there? They just don’t care. There’s no ultimate deterrence; parents aren’t seen as a little bit scary any more. There’s no invisible line they don’t dare cross. Kids control the parents now. And they’re more violent than ever, oddly.

Of course. But, I have seen MNers state that even a raised voice is abuse. It's ludicrous. Not all kids respond to gentle coaxing etc. Some kids have different red lines that need implemented. It doesn't need taken off the table for everyone. It needs an individual approach and to blanket it as 'abuse' in every situation is absurd.

You can be an effective parent without hitting. All it does is make children withdraw from their parents - who’s going to engage with someone they’re scared of? It’s illegal to assault an adult. Why isn’t it illegal to assault a child?