Parenting Professor says that she supports smacking children

Bloody hell this poor child!

I hope this utter failure of a mother isn’t on this thread congratulating herself for “never raising a hand” to them.

I didn't do any of those things, but neither did I use violence. I still managed to bring up two well behaved, polite children. It's not one or the other.

If you still spank a child who is large and old enough to hit back then you’ve long missed the point you should have transitioned to other methods.

Indeed. “Authority” and “obedience” are not dirty words when it comes to parenting.

Genuinely staggered by this thread, both sides. Neither extreme is helpful. Children are desperately in need of the security and consistency of a dependable adult who installs confidence that all will be well. Reasonable and predictable rules bring comfort to people who are being overwhelmed with new input about the world is small children.

Firstly, be confident. YOU are the adult and thus responsible. Responsibility is about being authoritative, not authoritarian. So explain the rules calmly and with confidence, and the rationale, "we don't grab toys from others because...". Sometimes "because I say so" is fine, if it's done steadily, consistently and pleasantly.

Secondly, it's fine to be firm. Really wayward behaviour can be met for example by holding their arms down to sides, getting down to their level and saying "NO", again pleasantly, but develop a 'teacher voice' for such occasions.

Lastly be truthful. This builds trust and the child is more likely to get on board quickly. "Today we won't be having ice cream when we get to the park because we are having pizza for tea", whatever. If you are tired and want them to be quieter it's ok to say so, you are in charge. NEVER put the power in the hands of others, "I'll tell your father...".

Kids who understand the rules, know their routines and can rely on responses from their carers are relaxed, confident and calm themselves, the world is less scary and unpredictable.

But some don't. How do you suggest dealing with the minority who consistently behave in an antisocial and even violent manner towards other children and, eventually, adults?

Why does any consequence work? Why is confiscating their toys acceptable? Why is raising your voice acceptable? Why is cancelling a treat acceptable? Why is the naughty step or sending them to their room acceptable? Punishments are inherently not nice.

We are very different culturally and I take with a huge dose of cynicism the claims that youths in the UK are worse than elsewhere in the world. Smacking children is not good parenting; it just isn’t.

But we don’t have much without it.

There is a thrashing. Then there is a short smack. Then there is a tap barely a smack.
Sometimes a child will cry as much over a tap and a short smack not because it physically has hurt them. But they know they have upset their parent, because they have been told no, because they have done something wrong. And have learnt it.

I don't understand why a parent would think smacking a child is acceptable. Why do they think humiliating a child would work? They're more likely to fear and hate you if you physically hurt them. Unless you're a cat of course.

It can easily become more than a one off smack.

Without that option what I think you often get is verbal smacking. eg as I witnessed in a National Trust garden a woman closely face to face with her child saying ‘ you have ruined my life and you are ruining my day’ . Things like that happening.
Banning a smack does not stop a child from being abused. They just get abused differently.

I'm not convinced that alternative punishments are 'nicer' than smacking to be honest and they are far more calculated and therefore potentially more damaging. What are you left with as a consequence? Cancelling a much anticipated play date or outing, or looked forward activity at home with a parent maybe. Most kids would prefer a quick smack i suspect!! They have to really care about something for taking it away to be effective, eg a comfort toy. Seems cruel. No TV or something is ok, but if they watch TV to self regulate I'm not sure that's the best thing either.

My parents smacked me and it doesn’t bother me at all. It was always a light smack designed to shock rather than hurt.

It would interesting to see the difference in the attitudes of children in say the UK and some East Asian countries where smacking (not absolutely not beating) is allowed. From my experience of working out there:
a) Children are far better behaved
b) Their attitude to school is far better
c) Petty crime is almost zero
d) Women are safe to walk the streets alone after dark - including jogging alone
e) No-one is afraid of 'gangs' of children
f) Underage drinking, smoking, drug taking is v v low too

I am not convinced that the smacking ban has worked in the UK, children need to learn boundaries and for some nothing else seems to work at all so a study comparing the above would be very interesting indeed.

I do think that many kids find a quick smack far easier to deal with than rambling on and on about kind hands and big feelings and how we don't push Timmy because it makes Timmy feel sad and mummy feel sad and we don't want that do we ad nauseam. And that overexplaination can feel quite emotionally manipulative at times.

We aren’t animals and we shouldn’t behave like them. The problem is, until we’re at the point of having enough language skills to understand and negotiate and reason (so I’d say three and a half as an absolute minimum) you’re powerless.

A lot of parenting methods recommended do rely on some kind of physical force if not chastisement.

That’s not normal at all among mammals.

I mean eating your babies is also normal in nature so not sure what point you’re really trying to make.

I need this unicorn method too

Absolutely. Look at female lionesses swiping at their cubs and doing warning snarls. Physically reprimanding babies in nature is entirely normal. Obviously we are humans so different standards.

That is her view and she is entitled to it. Just like parents in England are entitled to spank (or not) if they choose.

Oh I’ve WANTED to hit mine many times! They might love me but they sure express it strangely sometimes!

I haven’t really managed. I have 2 kids age 3 and 7. They can be very very very testing and I find parenting fairly depressing at times as there is basically nothing that will stop them fighting and attacking each other. I’ve tried every conventional or recommended method and they simply do not care. What would you advise?

Or you just had different children who reacted well to softer methods?

I never smacked my children when young. They had great exams results and now have good jobs. So you didn't need to hit your children, you chose to. Maybe reflect on why you wanted to hit a small person who loves you?