Parenting Professor says that she supports smacking children

When I compare this paragraph of how it is expected to parent to day with my own childhood and envisioning the amount of cajoling and reasoning that is suggested for modern day parenting being expected of my mother I laugh.

There has been a considerable and consistent deterioration of society over the last two decades. Significant increases in violent and out of control behaviour in secondary schools.

Isnt it funny that this coincides with a significant shift in parenting norms.

No, she's talking nonsense. It is perfectly possible to have firm boundaries in terms of children's behaviour and take charge without resorting to violence. Hitting children is bad, lazy parenting and anyone who does it is an abuser.

FFS, decent enough parent!! Not December enough 😂

You can't hit another adult if they annoy you

The way my children behave towards me sometimes is behaviour that would be reportable under most workplaces’ bullying and harassment policies or a police matter. I wouldn’t hit an adult but I also would not be expected to put up with it.

I sympathise with the national trust woman. When you feel powerless you say things in anger you don’t necessarily mean.

Holy false dichotomies Robin!

I can’t help but feel there is a middle way, between being friends with your children and striking them when they misbehave. 🙃

I was smacked extensively when I was a child, and I absolutely did learn to behave excellently. Y’know, the way people do tend to comply, when not complying leads to experiencing physical pain at the hands of the people in charge, who are bigger and stronger.

My parents weren’t abusive. They genuinely thought they were doing the right thing at the time. The parenting books they were reading advocated smacking.

The interesting thing is, that even well into my early 30s, I was protesting that corporal punishment was fine and it hadn’t done me any harm. And then one day someone pointed out that it kind of had, because I’d grown up into the sort of person who thinks it’s ok to hit kids. And I was like 😳🤯
(I do now think there is a degree of Stockholm’s Syndrome type impact making adults robustly defend the harm that was done to them by their parents.)

Fast forward a few years, I have 3 boys with DH. We are militant about standards and discipline - inculcating them with the importance of compassion, self-awareness, good manners, character, integrity - what you do when nobody’s looking. Being decent and responsible.

And we’ve managed to do this without ever, ever, EVER smacking them. They are sweet and merry kids - we have a great relationship with them, and get comments all the time from their friends’ parents on how polite and helpful they are.

Obviously they are not perfect, and the absolute boneheadery that DH and I are subjected to on a daily basis is Geneva Convention level, but they are kind and funny and decent.

Which is all a really long-winded way of saying that it’s perfectly possible to raise kids to NOT be entitled little recidivists, without ever raising a hand to them.

Our boys look to us as a place of safety - not as a source of fear and pain. I would never want them to feel the terror and worry I felt, knowing I had messed up and was going to be smacked.

I agree that a lot of damage is caused by parents trying to be friends with their kids. And not wanting to enforce boundaries, because enforcing boundaries is not enjoyable, as well as being difficult and repetitive and exhausting. I know too many parents who have used the iPad to numb their child’s angry or sad feelings, to disastrous effect.

So much of good parenting is intensely boring and repetitive. It’s hard to keep at it. As Jimmy Carr says about parenting, ‘Tough choices now. Easy life later.’
Thanks OP for the interesting thread.

The people claiming that smacking is the only effective parenting technique - should teachers do it, then?

I'm not a perfect parent and I don't have perfectly behaved children, but I correct behaviour by removing them from the situation, consequences (as natural as possible, but sometimes has to be an imposed one), a firm tone, and making it clear in advance what behaviour is expected and then reminding every single time that isn't followed. Surely even if you do smack you have to do some of these things too - no one smacks in every single situation, surely?

I wasn't smacked as a child, which is perhaps why I find it so bewildering that anyone thinks the choice is hitting your children or just letting them go feral.

I was smacked plenty. I'd never do it to my own kids. But I don't think it's physical abuse the way hair pulling or shoving or thumping/ punching is, and I think it's worthwhile being clear on the differences. It's possible to be frustrated and lost for better options and smack, but still be a December enough parent, or was back then anyway. I've experienced both and I think abusive behaviour from parents is very different. As in, they were abusive, but not because of the smacking.

If you can’t see the difference between a
parenting context and a sexual context then I don’t know what to tell you. Yuck.

Has she parental authority over an adult with autism or a learning disability?

Changing the law changes the culture. It makes smacking seen as unacceptable in general society. There was a time when it was ok for children to be physically disciplined in school but a change in the law means we no longer see that as acceptable. It's less about criminalising individual parents and more about changing the over-arching culture.

People go insane when they see video footage of carers hitting old people with dementia. How is hitting children any different. They have roughly the same mental capacity but one is smaller. So it is ok to hit people smaller than you, but not the same size?

I'm surprised at a lot of these answers. You can't hit another adult if they annoy you or don't do what you want - shouldn't children be afforded the same protection under the law?

It's possible to discipline children without resorting to hitting. Parents generally smack when they're angry, at their wits end and lost their temper - it's rarely a calm controlled tap on the hand. I was smacked as a child and was definitely wary of my mum's moods.

I've raised 5 now adult sons without smacking and they're all well adjusted adults who have never been out of control or difficult to discipline. If you're consistent when they're young, it's much easier when they get older. You can't hit teenagers so you rely on the relationship you've spent years building with them.

I wonder if she thinks smacking adults with a learning disability or dementia is also a good idea.

They are both hitting. I know why people are so vested in pretending it's different when it's a child, but it isn't. And it doesn't need a different word.

Children need a variety of things to help manage behaviours not just consequences, the more actions that are present the easier it is for the child to understand and follow expectations.

• routines give predictability and help reduce negative behaviours due to hunger and other unmet physical needs
• connection with the adults around them. A child is more likely to listen and worry about getting things right for a adult who is consistently there for them
• consistency every child will test boundaries, if they know that everytime x happens y also happens it helps them link the two together and if it gets them what they want they will do it more

Part of the current problem is that for some children, their adults are more distant and distracted (work, phones, mental health difficulties, competing caring roles) routines and boundaries are not consistent (due to be tired, competing demands, child wearing them down) which leads to children’s behaviours escalating.I know with my own children their behaviour is worse when things are not a predicable, some children live with that everyday.
Active parenting is hard but so is being a child. And hitting children, especially when it’s because a parent has lost control, isn’t okay.

It's not different. It's hitting.

Smacking and hitting are different. People who are anti smacking never accept this but if I come up to you and smack your clothed bottom with my open hand and hit your head with closed fist you will notice the difference.

Neither are your children the carbon copy of every other child.

This is such a difficult topic. I received the occasional smack when I was young; I remember smacking DS on the back of his hand once, I never needed to again, and never smacked DD. Any law to stop smacking will actually never stop parents beating their children, or being abusive in other ways.

I wish everybody would stop saying "smacking" or other euphemisms like spanking, tapping, raising a hand. It's hitting.

Indeed. It was horrible. But I suspect not the first time she has spoken to him like that.
My point being though that verbal aggression can well take the place of a smack. And I do wonder how prevalent it has become.