AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

Might that be a step forward? It sounds like she needs to realise she is in crisis and that she needs professional help.

I don’t think she will really accept the need to seek help until she accepts you are cutting her off, and that will be a difficult conversation anyway.

I would probably step back at this point. I had a friend like this. She thrived on the attention and drove everyone in her life away, wouldn’t engage with services etc. It was exhausting over the years, I felt so alone trying to help her, and I sadly had to accept that I was only useful to her and that she wasn’t actually a friend at all, and just take a big step back. She ignored boundaries when I tried to set them and when I stuck to them she exploded with rage and I never saw or heard from her again.

She may need human comfort but its not the ops responsibility especially when this "friend" is refusing to get help and dumping everything on the op. Leaving her to the professionals is the only way she will get help and not drag @bagpuss90 down with her

So what if she doesn’t take it well? I would tell her you have to have your phone away and on silent at work now, and any time she is suicidal contact relevant authorities.

Then this is very much evidence that she is deliberately manipulating you. If she was in genuine distress and couldn't cope she wouldnt be angry with you for seeking help for her.

This person is using you and she knows exactly what she's doing. Its toxic.

I’ve had something similar this week. Step down, don’t answer, turn your phone off. She is probably reinforced by the attention & needs to step out on her own. You need to protect your peace!

Honestly, I’d be suspecting a personality disorder at this point.

You know what? She’s manipulating you.

I don’t lack sympathy for her, as she’s obviously not well.

But calling you to imply she is suicidal and worrying you sick, while also then kicking off when you request a welfare check to ensure she hasn’t harmed herself, is classic manipulation by someone who wants your attention more than your actual, real help. She wants to feel that you’re constantly worried about her, because your attention is validating her. When you demonstrate that you can take steps to assure yourself that you don’t need to worry about her, such as getting a welfare check done, she’s pissed off because she no longer has the validation.

She needs to learn that this sort of thing is a consequence of demanding this amount of attention from you.

People who are mentally ill can, in a disturbed state, be very selfish and manipulative. And people who are selfish and manipulative by nature anyway can, obviously, be mentally ill, and their illness doesn’t make them less so.

I don't know if this applies to you or it's me projecting but I have really tried to step away from a solution finding approach when my friends are in difficulty. Unless I have very specific advice that is very likely to prove a useful solution or there is something I can actually do then I try to stick to listening, empathy and comfort.

More often than not the advice we give ranges from not quite right to complete and utter rubbish but you still get frustrated when the person doesn't take it. This doesn't help either party in this dyad.

You say that you’re worried she’ll ’do something’ if you step back.

The fact is, though, other people have stepped back and she hasn’t ‘done anything‘. And if she did ‘do something’ it wouldn’t in any way, shape or form be your fault.

At this point, being constantly available for her isn’t actually helping her. It’s just giving her a reason not to seek proper help. She’s using you as an emotional crutch and it’s not actually helping her get better.

It’s also incredibly unfair on you. I appreciate she’s unwell but she’s being incredibly selfish and if this continues, it will make you ill. You’re not a mental health nurse. You’re not a therapist. You cannot do this any longer and you need to tell her that. If she needs this kind of support she needs to see her doctor and, in the short term, call the Samaritans when she’s in crisis.

You’ve already admitted it is effecting your mental health now. You know the saying, you have to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.

Well, it’s going to be hard, but you need to have an honest conversation with her to say how you’re feeling. Let you know you’re thinking of her but will be available to talk at X time. She then has two choices, she accepts your support and stops harassing you constantly or she ignores your request.

It sounds like your friendship is breaking anyway so you have nothing to lose.

What about her parents / family? Where are they?

How long have you known her OP and has she ever actually been well? It sounds more like she’s latched onto you than like a reciprocal friendship. Has it always been like this or was there a time when you had a proper friendship? I’d respond differently based on this.

I have a close friend like this who won't do CBT won't do group work etc etc so I just shut her down and say happy to craft crochet and chat shit but I'm not a therapist and it's too draining emotionally. We have strong boundaries and it works well. Her husband actually says it's good for her as it forces her to take breaks from herself.

This is not on the op, the friend needs to leave the op out of it and let the op have a life and stop interfering with work

The op is not her therapist

Sorry but this is very unfair. OP is already at her beck and call now and guess what- it's not working is it? if OP dropping everything to counsel this woman was working then it wouldnt be happening on a daily basis. This person needs proper mental health professional intervention. Friends cannot provide that and its deeply unfair to suggest they are responsible for fixing it

If someone absolutely refuses to help themselves and is ruining their friend's life too, where does it end? Nobody owes someone else comfort at the expense of their own wellbeing.

She clearly needs professional help, but that doesn't mean OP can't do anything. In you felt you couldn't go on, would you want your friends to just leave you to the professionals rather than support alongside? Professionals don't have a magic wand, people still need human connection and comfort.

I know it’s really hard to pull back, but you need to or she is going to bring you down with her.

If you genuinely think she will do something - it wouldn’t be your fault. If she is saying anything to give you that impression it’s even more reason to back off asap.

if you have a welfare concern for her call the police.

limit your availability. If she has no one else that’s not your concern, and not a reason to sacrifice yourself. There does come a point where you’re doing more harm than good, it sounds like you might be there.