AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

As someone who has been there and driven those friends away ...depression makes you selfish but you are doing her no favours by enabling it.

It's ok to be honest with her, better even, as she will know she puts people off.

Friend, I care about how much you are suffering and I want to support you, but I just can't offer the extent of support that you are wanting. I get the impression that I'm the only person you have right now, and that is putting a lot of pressure on me and starting affect my own ability to cope. I'm not going anywhere but I am going to be putting some limits in place in terms of my time and availability. I hope this isn't too upsetting to hear but it is necessary for me right now as I can feel my own mental state starting to slip. I'm also very open to helping you make appointments to access other help, in fact I think we should do that anyway. Sending you love, friend.

I have recently gone though (still going) a very difficult time with my mother and boundaries.

It is really difficult. You friend sounds like she calls more. But my mother used to call for over an hour each day and it was the 'her show' it was absolutely draining.

I slowly started detaching from it. Either make up some white lies 'work won't allow me take calls' then in the evening you are busy. But tell her you usually have a 10 minute window on the way home from work in the car.

I agree, she’s manipulating you, and sorry to say, you’re inadvetly encouraging/entitling her by responding to the calls. No doubt it’s happened gradually. Initially one or two calls, you felt sorry for her, and gradually it’s ramped up.

Firstly, put in boundaries. Ie. You are not permitted to take calls during the day, and will not be responding to her.

Be proactive, say if she wants to talk, she can only call in the evening, and only once.

If she starts cry in g, sobbing etc, then tell her to call 111, the Samaritans, the crisis team , gp etc. Have the numbers ready. if she refuses, reiterate that you are not a professional, and unable to help her. If she threatens that she can’t go on then calmly end the call, staying you’re going to call 999 for her as she needs their help, not yours.

As you say, she emotional draining you. If all else fails, block her. You’ve done what you can. She’s a grown up and is responsible for herself.

Tell her you've had a warning from your boss and that you can't take personal calls in work time any more. Don't answer her calls while you at work. Agree with others that you should say you can't help her but professionals can and that's her only way forward. If you keep taking every call she will keep ringing, you can put your well being first and stop taking all/ or fewer calls.

I have bipolar and bpd so I have had several mh crisis and it is not your responsibility to save her and its unfair of her to put you in this situation. There are professionals to deal with these situations for this exact reason. She wouldn't expect you to fix her car or her electrics or perform surgery on her she would go to a professional. You can offer to go to the gp with her. You can offer to be there after she's called the crisis team. But you can not be their for her 24/7

The reality is you can't really stop her contacting you unless you block her. I have had a similar situation in the past. I didn't tell the person when they could or couldn't contact me, I just decided what I was willing to do. I was prepared to speak to them but didn't answer the phone outside those times. When I did speak I would decide for how long. I would respond to messages when it worked for me. I also didn't offer solutions only affirmed that their situation was hard.
It's not easy but it is possible

So sometimes as these posters have outlined this type of support might be inadvertently keeping someone from the professional support that could make a difference. I like the line given about pushing it back to that.... I'm not equipped you need professional help....

This happened to me too. I was the 'bad friend' for not eclipsing my own life and needs 24/7 to provide unqualified support.

I was so glad she ended the friendship. Her previous victim ended up moving to Japan!

I had a friend like this. I wasted most of my twenties as her emotional support human. I now realise I should have said what I always say these days if someone leans too hard on me for support: Your issues are serious and you deserve professional support. I can't give you the level of support you clearly need. It's beyond me. If necessary, spell it out. Say the constant demands are putting a real strain on you and you feel at breaking point. That you love her but her needs are way beyond what you can give. Don't be shy to start explaining your own worries too. Share worry about DC, work, money etc. People who need someone to lean on run a mile if they are expected to support in return.

And give her boundaries. Say you can't take calls at work - you'll get into trouble. Put a DND time block during the night and at busy times. She'll lean on other people if you are less available.

@bagpuss90

I was in this situation

I took a massive step back

It was only my involvement keeping her out of hospital so I stepped back and she was then sectioned.

She ended the friendship sadly because she was mad that I didn’t give her my full attention but I was at breaking point as another friend had recently died quite young. It was a lesson for me that she truly felt that everything should revolve around her needs and I just couldn’t do it anymore so her ending the friendship was a relief.

I suspect because you are there and she has you to pay attention to her at all times she isn't getting help. Tell her that the next time she threatens suicide you will call the police, or just call the police. Who cares if she doesn't take it well? She will break you and then move onto someone else because you will be of no use to her.

You are not a trained mental health professional and so don’t feel guilty - you cannot help this person

Tell her she needs to seek help and you are not qualified to assist her.

If she cuts you out then that is a bonus

She’ll find some other mug.

Totally agree with this @bagpuss90, she's not going to stop pestering you while you're trying to help her. You can't help her, you're just feeding the attention machine. Back off and block her, she'll either look for someone else to get hysterical to or she'll seek help with more appropriate medical people. There's nothing you can do that would genuinely help, so stop trying. You're getting stressed out and to what end? None!

I have been this friend, and the advice you are getting to set a firm boundary and tell her to seek professional help are spot on.

I have huge sympathy for your friend having been there. It sounds like she is so deep into her depression or anxiety that she can no longer see how unwell she is or how not normal this behaviour is - or how unfair on you.

What got me out was a dear friend saying kindly but very firmly that I needed help, and she would help me to find it (eg by asking for recommendations from medical friends for psychiatrists), but she absolutely would not discuss any of my anxiety situations that I called crying about. She meant it too, and as a result I very soon found professional help.

I am endlessly grateful to my friend for doing this.

Thats because it wont end. You cant help her. You cant fix her. If this is a personality disorder (which sound highly likely) then thats how she relates to the world and its not ever going to change unless she is motivated to seeking help like DBT etc

The only way this will end is by you putting in boundaries and only you can do that

What everyone else has said. I would also sispect a personality disorder. Validate how she feels "it must be awful to feel like that" and encourage her to seek help "i think you need to see a doctor". Don't try and reason with her.
Boundaries. She can't rimg you at work. You camt be always available.

You're not her therapist and you are not responsible for her either.

I would tell her gently that you have problems of your own and you dont have the bandwidth to help her anymore. Tell her she needs to seek professional help and if she refuses, well thats on her.

Yanbu, she can't be calling you at work. I would tell her this and say if she does and she's distressed you will have to call the police/999 as you can't support in those moments but need to know she's safe as you would never forgive yourslef if yiu were unable to talk and then she was so distressed she did something. I think you need to do more than just this but this is a good start.

Wouldn’t this be kinda a win-win for you?

she calls hints/ suggests suicide and you call for a welfare check: one of two outcomes. 1) police are also concerned and she’s taken in for a check/placed on a hold. 2) she gets pissed off at you and doesn’t call as much?

im sorry to have to remind you that you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves and you may have to become a broken record. “Nothing I say or do seems to help you, friend. You are taking over more and more of my life whilst doing nothing to help yourself. Since I’m unable to help you short of going with you to the GP and I’m starting to get burnt out I’m going to need to take a step back from our friendship, I love you dearly and hope you get the help you need. Again happy to go with you and hold your hand at the Drs”

I’ve been in your situation, the best advice I can give is to pull back before she sucks the life out of you. If she threatens self harm then call the police for a welfare check, she may not like it but at least you won’t be worried she’s done something serious.

You are not a mental health professional, you are not equipped to deal with this.

I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable - to yourself. This woman is a leech who is sucking the life out of you. As PPs have stated, other people have stepped away from her and she hasnt "done anything" to herself. Tbh I think you are being dry humped to kingdom come and back again and you yourself need to step out before you end up having a breakdown. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the saying is true: Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm