AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

I had a friend like this. She was exhausting and took all my energy. I ended up not picking up her calls/messages until the evening at 6ish. Then she reduced the amount of calls and messages. I was talking with another friend and we realised she was sending the same messages/phone calls to both of us! I stopped responding and within a week I felt wonderful.

OP I sympathise. I had a friend like this who started off lovely but started leaning on me to the point of daily crisis calls over the slightest issue. They could be hours long and usually the root cause was her over the top reactions rather than the situation itself. I tried subtly pointing this out but then spent hours placating her for what I'd said. She kept calling me her 'big sister'. but I didn't want that dubious honour, I just wanted to be her friend.

Frankly, the whole situation got extremely wearing and I started avoiding her calls. She cottoned on, became passive aggressive then started reams of WhatsApp conversations about what we should both expect from our friendship. In the end we decided to call it a day and she blocked me from everything. I felt very used after many hours supporting her but she was an emotional vampire and I couldn't let the situation carry on. Put distance in place now for your own sake.

So what if she won’t take it well if you call the police on her for a welfare check? You aren’t taking it well that you’re on call for her apathetic misery multiple times a day. Put on your oxygen mask. Explain to her you aren’t coping, she needs to get professional help, you can’t answer the phone while at work and you will call the police for a welfare check next time she says she can’t go on. Say you need professional help and just leaning on me isn’t helping you and it is burning me out. I can’t continue with the support unless you’re engaging with professionals.

This person may cost you your job, your sanity, your peace and relaxation - and still it won’t be enough.

This is a futile toxic Co-dependent enmeshed dynamic where YOU are actually inadvertently enabling her MH decline. You need to see her as a compulsive toddler who is demanding to eat all the cookies - and the more you allow / enable this the iller she will become.

She is not your friend. There is nothing reciprocating, mutual or caring going on here. There is demands and domination.

You need to ‘manage’ her rather than see this as a friendship. You will do the best for her if you put in boundaries. She should not call you at work. You are not available for her to mentally download - signpost her to The Samaritans for that. Tell her you are available at x time for y minutes per week to talk about light stuff. As PP said - she needs a break from herself and this will be good for her.

If you don’t want to implode in your own life or explode at her YOU need to take some firm actions, boundaries, consequences, deadlines etc.

She sounds like she has a significant PD if she has fallen out with everyone around her and won’t seek help. This isn’t something you have any skill or responsibility to deal with and your current unboundaried approach could inadvertently be preventing her reaching her rock bottom where she seeks professional help.

Your own life, relationships, career is being eroded here for nothing - she isn’t getting better by you indulging her impulsive and compulsive demands. She needs to learn to self soothe and emotionally regulate herself.

I’m sorry but by continuing to accept her calls etc. you aren’t actually helping her , you are just perpetuating the problem and enabling her to continue in this awful downwa4 spiral. Your friend needs professional help, but all the time you continue to be available in her mind she doesn’t need to seek any other help. I know getting help at the moment through the NHS is very difficult but if she is in crisis they will engage. You can’t let your own MH tank because you are constantly managing her calls / listening to her problems.

it will be tough but you need to set immediate boundaries , you won’t take calls surfing working hours or when you are on holiday. You will only speak to her 2 times weekly and that is dependent on her seeking professional help. You have been an incredible friend to keep persevering with her calls but you can’t continue.

next time she calls saying she can’t go on advise her to speak with Samaritans , you phone the police and advise someone is at risk of harm to themselves. this is not your circus or your monkey - tough as it sounds. Even if she doesn’t take it well it sets boundaries
land May get her into the system. All of her other friends have stepped back for their own well being because she has driven them away with her constant demands for time and drama. For your own well being please take a step back.

I think given your friend has fallen out with her family and other friends and is not happy when you asked for professional advice for her then she is manipulating you a bit. Putting boundaries in is a good idea and reporting her if you are very concerned.

I say this as someone who's relative killed themselves... it's not your cross to bear.

You have been so kind being there, I have too to the point it nearly made me have a breakdown. We cannot be there for these people 24/7 it's impossible.

It's ok to draw boundaries. Give her some helpful numbers like the local crisis team and the samaritans. Encourage her yet again to go to the drs to get some meds and say you cannot answer anymore calls at work and you're taking a little step back because it's starting to affect you. If she does something it's not your fault at all.

OP never give more than you can energy wise. Remember to put your oxygen mask on first! I have MH crisis every now and then (bipolar). I can have support from the home treatment team. Is she under a psychiatrist at the moment?

@Polkadotpompom

”She doesn't actually want you to help her get better. She just wants your attention endlessly like an emotional vampire.”

I think you possibly could be right. She likes the attention and control she has over op, and she keeps op hooked by coming across emotional and in need. We may be doing friend a huge disfavour, but she’s not doing anything to help herself get better.

I think you need to be honest. Say that you don’t think your support is helping her and that’s because you aren’t professionally equipped to help her in the way she needs. Also let her know that you’re finding it really difficult to be there for her on call at any and all times, it’s just not sustainable or helpful for either of you. That you care for her and this is why you’re telling her this. Urge her to go to the gp, as the first port of call. - keep things friendly, caring but assertive. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t keep enabling this behaviour, and she can’t keep using you as a therapist x

This is really tough OP, it sounds like you're doing your best and you are a great friend. I'd suggest;

• decide yourself when/how you want to speak to her and the frequency. Tell her up front "the next few weeks are busy, I want to talk but can we do it on xyz day at xyz time. I wont be able to answer the rest of the time" - stick to this, do not answer, do not respond to any guilt trips.
• signpost her elsewhere - send her links to free support, the samaritans, her gp, local counsellors etc. If she wants help, it's these people she actually needs.
• have some things you want to talk about, for you. At a point (no need to set a timer but when it feels reasonable) just go "I know you've not asked but I actually really wanted your advice on xyz, or I wanted to run this past you" - if she refuses to help/talk about what you want to talk about, then she is not a friend!

I'd also suggest a sort of stone walling that goes "well as I said yesterday, you should talk to your gp/therapist about that as I'm not an expert" - say on repeat, because eventually she will get bored. Some people get very stuck in victim mode, and they actually don't want help as it stops their ability to play that card and grab that attention. It's normal/ok for friendships to ebb and flow in terms of give/take but if she is the only one constantly taking, you need to think about is this a friendship or is she just using you as a free therapist.

Do you know why she's reluctant to seek help? I know MH services are far from perfect, and many folk are reluctant to engage as they've had bad experiences. But from what you say it doesn't sound as though this is the case for her. She sounds as though she's having a horrible time, so I would have thought she'd be keen for things to improve.

Is there anyone else in her life?

It's definitely not unreasonable for you to set some boundaries. No single person can support someone else through a crisis. Actual crisis teams don't even do this - they often work in pairs & although visits will usually be daily it's almost never the same person/people all the way through.

The best thing might be to tell her straight "I can't be the only person who supports you through this, it's too much for me". Do you/does she know what her options are for professional support? Happy to run through some of the main options if helpful.

If she did get professional help &/or called you less often (once a day max and not when you're at work or on holiday) would you still want to support her. Or have you just had enough?

If you do want to support her it would actually be much kinder to draw some boundaries now, than keep going like this until your resentment reaches fever pitch and you feel like you need to pull the plug altogether.

Something she could do if she's up for it is to go to this website https://stayingsafe.net/ and make a safety plan, maybe with your support. If she can plan how to get through these moments maybe, just maybe she'll not need to call you so often.

I work in mh and have family with mh issues, you need strict boundaries or you will become unwell yourself. She is presenting with care seeking and manipulating behaviour which people with personality disorders do, it can be extremely draining and actually you answering your phone all the time is enabling this behaviour. She can phone numerous support lines contact gp and gp can refer to cmht or crisis for support. You need to tell her that you have your own issues and can only speak to her after work and not every night

I think you should set some firm boundaries. Eg set times to call and with a time limit on them, eg let's have a check in every Wednesday at 8pm and have a good catch up.

I suspect when you do set some perfectly reasonable boundaries she will fall out with you too. And that is her choice. I'd respectfully allow her to fall out with you tbh.

She doesn't actually want you to help her get better. She just wants your attention endlessly like an emotional vampire.

You don’t have to desert her, just cut down the contact. One call a day, max, and if she starts talking the same old stuff, then deflect by directing her to the professionals (111, 999, Santana etc) or change the subject and talk about the weather, Wimbledon, football etc. If she refuses professional help, then be blunt and say you can’t help her as you’re not a professional.

What do you get out of this friendship OP? I don’t mean to be harsh but you must get something or you would have brought this to a halt ages ago. Do you enjoy ‘saving’ someone? There’s no shame in that btw, we all have elements of that within us.

I think if you try and analyse what you’re getting out of it, no matter how obscure, you may find it easier to withdraw.

Which is completely natural when somebody is offloading on you constantly.

You're allowed to limit your contact with anybody.

She has the Samaritans, crisis service and if she is know to mental health services she may have a number to contact their duty team.

Services are stretched but they aren't manned by one person 24/7. Which is what she appears to assume you are ok with doing.

You are not a trained professional. If she won't seek help, or is threatening to do anything to harm herself or others, consider calling police to do a welfare check or contact her local mental health services to advice them you're concerned.

She's choosing to focus all her energies on you, you're allowed to choose to look after yourself and limit contact.

What happens if you're so worn out and distracted you make a mistake or have an accident?

Are you in UK ? Has she support from her NHS GP and NHS crisis team ?
if you’re at work certainly do not answer her calls.
you cannot assume full responsibility for this person. They need to accept some responsibility.
offer to accompany her to her GP ? But if she doesn’t accept say there’s nothing more you can do she needs professionals. You cannot provide 24/7 support indefinitely if she refuses to help herself

It sounds like the friendship is very one sided, and pretty much over already, so you have little to lose and a lot to gain by putting in boundaries and being more direct with her. Call her back or reply to messages when it works for you not just for her, direct her to 111 mental health or the Samaritans, tell her you can’t continue to support her if she doesn’t access treatment. You say it won’t go down well if you request a welfare check but it’s kind of tough luck for her, she’s not well and it sounds like you’re at the point that you wouldn’t mind if she stopped speaking to you. She needs to take some responsibility and putting your foot down might make her see that. Has she ever actually harmed herself? Or has she said she would?

What are you getting from this "friendship", @bagpuss90 ?

I ended a friendship because of this. 14 years of the same crises repeating themselves and the friend never willing to change her circumstances nor engage with help. Multiple messages every day.

In the end I decided I could either live my life as someone's Support Human or I could break free and have energy for my family and myself.