AIBU to set boundaries with a friend in mental health crisis

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but If she decides to chuck herself of a bridge, then that’s her decision to make, and totally on her, and has no bearing on you. You are not responsible for her health and wellbeing. Please read the advice given to op, and take them on board. Your friend is manipulating you, by coming across the victim, but the only person who can help her is herself and the professionals.

This is the situation I was in and I was being controlled by it. It’s not on you if this happens, you’ve done your best. Services need to step up - have you tried accessing any external help. My friend was “known to MH services” so I tried that route

There are so many telephone helplines; Samaritans, SHOUT, NHS 111 MH line to name a few. There are people trained and ready to listen on those lines it does not have to be you all the time. I suggest making it explicit that you are finding it too much and will be taking a step back for your own sanity. Put boundaries on when you will accept calls and messages and tell her explicitly what those are and stick to them whatever the reaction. No one is ever responsible for someone else’s behaviour

I had a friend who went through (still is most likely) a breakdown. I supported her,visited her weekly when she was sectioned, listened to her rants on the phone. But after her third round at the psychiatric hospital I had to pull back. I realised I was doing her absolutely no good at all. And she was getting scary. She’d show up at my door barely dressed having not washed in weeks. She said she’d broken in to neighbours houses looking for money and booze. She’d wet the bed instead of getting up to go to the toilet. I couldn’t cope with her anymore. She’s get sectioned then weeks would pass after she got out and she’d call sounding almost her old self. Then a couple weeks later she’d call and it was back to the same old thing. I eventually blocked her. It was such an abrupt change from the capable, self made businesswoman I knew but there was a line I had to draw.

This is like the brother in love actually.
You need to write to her telling her when you can and can’t talk and stick to the boundary. If she texts saying she is suicidal send the police to her every time.

I've been thinking about this and I wonder if you could have something to say that's caring , loving , supportive but that keeps repeating that there are great steps she could take that might help. Like ' I love you so much and wish I could make it better , but here is a list of steps to work through and I really think if you manage one of these steps a day that you could find hope and a way out' maybe ask AI or a MH charity to help with the list . And then when you speak or reply you are kind of saying/ repeating the same message which is supportive and loving but reiterates that the power is not with you ? Hope that makes some kind of sense. Sorry it must be so hard x

Bluntly, it’s her decision, and her life. If she chooses to end it because someone doesn’t answer the phone, that’s not on you. And bring emotionally blackmailed with suicide threats isn’t something you need to put up with.

Oh OP this is me with a friend and it’s taking over my life! I can’t cope with her any more - everyone says just don’t answer the phone but what if the day I don’t answer is the day she chucks herself off a bridge. I couldn’t live without that and it’s really nearly where we are with this.

Hi OP I’ve been in exactly your position and I really sympathise. It feels cruel to contemplate not answering your phone but you really do have to put in some boundaries…I learned this after getting to the end of my tether with it. It’s also about reaching the point in your own mind where you recognise that however much you care, you’re not ultimately responsible for another person’s actions.

My first change was to start being really clear that I won’t be answering my phone when I’m away. The first time I did this I said ‘Just so you know I won’t be contactable next week as I’m on holiday and have decided I need a complete break from my phone and messages too.’ And then I ignored the phone when it rang (as I knew it would!) and after the first couple of days it stopped happening. Now when I go away I just say’I’m away next week, catch up when I get back’. I sometimes get a ‘when are you back?’ message mid week but I ignore it until I get home. Sticking to what you have said you will do is key to making a change.

Secondly I’ve started restricting the times when I’m available for calls. I will ignore calls during certain hours and will then call back at a later more convenient time and say ‘I see you called earlier but I was working/seeing a friend/shopping or whatever, just to make it clear that I’ve got other stuff to do. It gives me more of a sense of control over the whole thing (previous to this I felt stressed that I might get a call at any moment and felt I had to take it) and it starts to train the other person that you are not going to drop everything every time they are struggling and want you in that moment. I’m convinced it’s healthier for them because they have to learn other strategies - which at some point will hopefully be getting professional help.

Lastly, when I have calls that go along the lines of ‘I don’t want to go on’ or ‘I might as well end it all now’, I’ve started asked very direct questions rather than trying to reassure. So I might ask ‘Ok is this a thought you are seriously considering acting on? If so here is the number you need to phone…’. I try to be calm and kind but very practical. It takes the responsibility from you and puts it back on the other person, which is what is needed. I obviously can’t speak for your friend, but the person I’m dealing with usually says these things because she wants me to validate how hard things are for her and she finds comfort (it seems to me) in having someone else feeling stressed about it all too. I also sometimes gently challenge and say ‘Now X are you really serious about that because it’s not appropriate to make idle threats like that. If you are serious then obviously you need more help than I’m able to give. Here is the service you need….’

Good luck with it all!

Read up on Borderlime Personality Disorder aka Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder aka Emotional Dysregulation disorder.
You don't have to desert her but you need to put boundaries in place and encourage jer to see a GP.

‘I can’t see an end to it’ .

Put bluntly, not your circus. How long has she been like this with you? Weeks? Months? Six months plus? You probably said everything you can, again and again, and the situation hasn’t resolved. So time to withdraw. You can even say to her that you’ve been speaking to her for this long, and she’s no better, so it’s time to contact the professionals, and cut down contact. Don’t feel guilty, and she will have a hissy fit, it’s par for the course, but she’ll soon find someone else to leach onto.

Although you say you resent her calls, are you a people pleaser? Or do you like feeling needed? A saviour complex?

People who do nothing to help themselves infuriates me

Bending the ears of people who are unqualified to help and, like you, OP often in no position to offer practical help, simply spreads the misery and keeps them in this crisis loop

They constantly relive the 'trauma' instead of seeking practical ways of helping themselves

Is she in denial about her mental health? Has she sought a diagnosis? Medication?

You are a saint for putting up with this for so long

You are not unreasonable to set boundaries, withdraw or even not answer the phones again

She cannot ruin other lives to carry on like this

I seem to be a bit of a magnet for people like your friend. It's a tough gig. With one person, we have a system where if I miss their call, they follow up with a text if it's an emergency, outlining the emergency. As they know I can't always pick up due to work etc.

Unfortunately the other person - the story doesn't have a happy ending. They were all consuming, drove everyone away, and now they're no longer with us. And what I noticed in that situation was the public outpouring of grief by people that were nowhere to be seen when the tornado of chaos was at its peak. In that situation - I wish I'd communicated the boundary better. Instead of fully stepping back, I wish I'd explicitly let her know that if she was in immediate danger, I was someone she could contact - to keep her earth side, and contact emergency services on her behalf.

The struggle as a supportive friend is that it's possible to support people through an acute struggle (e.g. a death) but impossible to maintain acute levels of support for a chronic situation (e.g. prolonged severe mental health).

So make your boundaries - but be explicit in what you will and won't help with. Helping during the work day is a hard no though.

insist she seeks support locally or via a phoneline. many areas have mental health cafes or similar. perhaps try to find out if there is one in her area she could pop along to for support. Or maybe she has a social prescriber at her GP surgery who could signpost her. You sound like a great friend but she has to help herself also.

I've been in this exact situation, OP and it's exhausting. I'm sorry to say I let it go on for far too long, so I'm going to give you advice based on what I wish I'd done!

I would send a kind but clear message/email along the lines of

"Dear Friend,
I am sorry that you're going through a difficult time and I want to help, but I am starting to feel out of my depth. As your friend, I am asking you to please re-consider getting some proper professional help.
I've done a quick search and the closest Mental Health Drop in to you is (details here)
You can self-refer to talking therapies here (if her area has this) OR
you could talk to your GP and ask to be referred for talking therapies and/or consider trying medication
I can't always answer the phone or respond to messages when I'm working or away, so I also wanted to mention these 24 hour helplines you can call or text (details here)
I care about you very much, and I am happy to listen and support when I can, but I can't be on call 24/7 and even if I could, I'm not an expert.
I hope you understand that I have your best interests at heart."

If she reacts badly initially, that's not your fault and it also doesn't mean she won't reflect on what you've said later when she's had a chance to calm down.

Once you've sent it, you need to follow through. This means not picking up the phone when you're working, if you're out or away. If you're out and she tries to contact you you could send a quick text saying you'll call her when you can. When you do speak to her, continue to encourage her to seek professional help and if she dismisses it say something along the lines of "that's your decision, but if you won't get help I'm not sure what I can do to help you". If she threatens suicide, you absolutely must alert the emergency services. She may not like it, but she needs to understand that you are not a crisis service and she's leaving you no other choice. Do it every time, it's important to be consistent.

It shouldn't be a straight up choice between ditching your friend completely or being constantly available to her. BUT if she won't accept reasonable boundaries then you may have no choice.

You are the only one who can change things, as she won’t. You are going to have to be cruel to kind here.

Is she under a psychiatrist

No she isn’t

This will make the process harder because she isn’t “known to services” - she needs a referral from her GP to the Adult Mental Health Community Team and fairly quickly but you can’t do that for her and if she won’t help herself there isn’t much you can do I’m afraid.

OP let's suppose that it took such a toll on you that you ended up in therapy. The first thing that would be explained to you is that you can't change someone else's behaviour, you can only change your response to it. And there's a tension in this post from you. You know what she's doing is very bad for you but you still don't want to end it.

For as long as you keep answering the phone and listening, trying to suggest things, you are reinforcing her behaviour. She gets a reward from calling you so she keeps doing it. So you are part of the problem.

The only way this will stop is if you change what you do. And you have every right to change, there should be no guilt about doing so. If she did do something that is not your fault. Time to stop enabling her. Do not take her calls while you're at work. That is unfair on you and unprofessional on your part to answer. Outside of work tell her you will no longer be taking her calls because you can't help her and it's affecting you too much. It's OK to tell her that. Don't keep pretending it's fine for her to call as often and for as long as she wants. Whether or not she's being manipulative, she's certainly being very selfish. But you're doing nothing to stop it.

I'm wondering, from the post of yours I quoted, if you can be a people pleaser and find it difficult to say no. But she isn't calling you because you're her bestest friend and she needs you. Anyone who would take the time to listen to her would do.

She isn't going to change. Only you can stop it. Stop rewarding her and put in some very firm boundaries. If that's cutting contact that's still fine. But draw your boundaries where you're comfortable. Don't then feel that you have to give more than you want.

I had a friend once who's behaviour sounds very similar. In the early days of our 'friendship' she had just moved into the area and seemed to be in a crisis situation ( her relationship had broken up) so I gave her a lot of support similar to what you are doing. It took up so much of my time and mental energy. 3 years later she was still in crisis. I suspect that she had /has Borderline personality disorder ( also starting to be referred to as called 'Emotional deregulation disorder) She met all the criteria for this. No amount of help and support was ever enough, her suffering was genuine,but it is not possible to ' fix' her problems, you will burn out. She needs professional help and strict boundaries. Even mental health professionals find bpd difficult to treat unless the person is on board with the treatment. Eventually I withdraw from this unequal friendship ( though she had some great qualities as well) Because I withdrew ,in her eyes I became just someone else who had ' let her down ' and even though we still live in the same town,if we see each other out and about she looks through me as though I wasn't there. OP for your own mental health follow the advice of other posters and either withdraw from this or put very strong boundaries in place and be prepared to uphold them, easier said than done and be prepared to be completely blanked when you are no longer available 24/7 to her. Her life will be a neverending emotional crisis until she choses to engage with professional help.

i did something similar for many years. Then I realised I was being taken for a mug. Fortunately she had family but I think she’d kept it from them and used me as her mental punch bag.

I went on holiday and made it clear I would be unavailable and when I returned I didn’t contact her. I often wonder if she thought she’d dumped me but the relief was huge.

Her being pissed off because she had a much needed police welfare check is fine. Rather that then hurting herself

No, YANBU. You need to set boundaries for your own health and wellbeing. I have a vulnerable, reclusive relative who has given power of attorney to someone who lives abroad. Working through her care crisis and desperate calls for help or attention or company or care affects my sleep, my work, my family. You must put boundaries in place, especially if they are not prepared to seek help themselves.

Shes pulling you way down. You’ve got to be brave and rip the plaster off. The sky won’t fall in.

Believe me she’ll soon find some other sucker, they always do (no offence to you at all).