To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

After 25 years my husband told me he'd never loved me, never been attracted to me, had been trying to sleep with other women (oh and men!) the whole time we were together and married me because he wanted stability AKA the house deposit I had. More than half my life has been a sham and I was too old by then too start over and have a family with someone who actually loved me.

It destroyed me when I found it all out (dripfeed over a period of a couple years) and I cried for most of a 3 year year period. I agree there should be some way to sue as the damage is huge.

You can lie & cheat your partner in other ways though not just adultery.

Not necessarily. And life changes. Things are hard. Having another sexual partner is a very mundane thing, certainly not worth wanting to die over.

One of my extended relatives knows but turns a blind eye as she likes her life. I’m not sure if her DH knows she knows.

A former colleague of mine has had a few affairs, it’s always about the sex & excitement & feeling desired. She says it breaks up the monotony of life & she loves her DH & would never leave him. I do think she actually does love him so I didn’t know what to think at the time tbh.

What if the wife knows, but chooses to ignore it as they have agreed to stay together for the sake of the children. What does everyone think about this situation?

They managed to make coercive control an offence (as it should be) so why not this?

A one off is one thing. Not great but not the same as a long term affair. No one "needs" to have an affair. Its a choice someone makes and I agree 100% that it is a form of fraud. The person is lying to make a gain and/or to not sustain a loss.

There is an offence of "fraud by false representation" usually used for benefit cheats and the like but if someone is portraying themselves as faithful when they're not, then it is "false representation". The lying and gaslighting is abuse. Why is gaslighting deemed abusive, unless its to cover for an affair and then it's supposed to be ok? No. I dont think that's right.

I havent, to my knowledge, been cheated on so its not as if I feel strongly about it for that reason. I just feel its very wrong. When I was dating, if I even got a whiff that someone might be married (or in a relationship at all), that was it for me.

Infidelity is the worst thing you can do to someone who loves you. It has happened to me 4 times, I've been cheated on by every man I've ever been with. It absolutely destroys you. It left me wishing I would die in my sleep. It's as painful as bereavement but in some ways much darker as it wrecks all your happy memories and grasp on reality.

My own view is that monogamy isnt essential. I couldn't be bothered with official polyamory or anything but I think full expectation of lifelong exclusivity is a bit naive, especially if a couple got together very young.

I don't think that people who couldn't cope are the only people who get to decide what a reasonable reaction is.

I agree, I went away on a sports camp some years ago and was introduced to the charming boyfriend of an acquaintance at our house share, spent some hours in his company at meals etc. and only found out months later that he is actually married, and I've effectively been made complicit in their deception without my knowledge or consent.

I agree on the consent issue. Esp as the marriage vows clearly state this, when you date someone you at some point have an "exclusive" chat, from that point onwards sex is only consensual if the rule is followed. I absolutely think it can also be a form of domestic violence.

I dont know if we should criminalise it but it should be more frowned on socially

But as his wife doesn't know, then he is having an affair. My friend is open about it but he isn't.

A few years into the relationship my friend and her "partner" set up a business together so she has now met his wife on several occasions. I think he is despicable in what he's doing.

Weasly words followed by an admission that you have no idea what you're talking about.

The revelation of the truth taints every minute of the life you've led. It changes all the memories when you realise the person who was beside you as you delivered his babies and celebrated children's birthdays was using you as a beard, that your life, your hopes, your expectations of being loved and cherished and appreciated, and the sacrifices you made didn't matter one bit to him, but you were used. Worse, you brought children into the mess without realizing that they would not have the family life you hoped to give them.

The sex without knowing the full facts is sex without consent. If a woman has sex with a man she does not know has just returned from a tryst with a woman or a man they're either having an affair with or a one night stand or that sexual encounter was transactional, she had her right to consent in full possession of her partner's sexual activity denied her. Would she have consented to sex if she had known her husband was, for instance, frequenting the bed of a man who also had sex with other men in public loos? Or would she have said no? Stolen sex is a crime.

That is a crime just as sex with an intentionally damaged condom is.

If either person is being abused (and it happens), the, yes, an affair is justified.

There was a case last year in the US that went viral where a judge ruled that the husband cheating and knowingly passing STIs onto his wife constituted domestic violence. The woman was awarded 100% of marital assets as restitution for this and, as I recall, walked away with a significant amount.

Serves the lying, cheating scum right. 😏

It's a form of theft - the theft of choice, the theft of time, the theft of energy, and often the theft of money too, diverted from the spouse and family to the affair partner.

I think it should be criminal - the effects cost society money. Health issues can arise, both physical and mental, when the truth is found out or suspected. The psychological impact can be huge.

The financial hit a spouse and children absorb can be devastating when divorce becomes inevitable (of course there is the option to grin and bear it, as someone I know did, for ten years until the kids left home, with horrible consequences for her mental health, and her relationship with her children when they were told. Comprehensive deceit is a life altering injury.

There should be a way to sue for civil damages, as a pp suggested.

The elimination of fault based divorce in favour of no-fault was an unwise move imo.

The deceit is worse than the affair really. How much do you have to hate someone to use them and lie to them. The realisation that you meant nothing to them is what really hurts.