To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

It would've done her more good to see a therapist and do the Freedom Programme.

You're well within your rights to dump someone at any time for any reason. That's your resolution here.

I think a lot of "cheated" upon would also prefer to be saved the hassle of knowing.

Exactly. Cheaters like the status quo of the marriage. Many men (my XH included) love having a wife who sorts out the bulk of the domestic drudge work, raises their children and also brings in an income (for the majority nowadays).
They also get regular sex too just not sex with that extra 'frisson' and ego boost they seek. So off they go hunting for a bit of cake.

And it's the lying, altered reality and deception (which is usually financial too as affairs cost a few quid) which cases the pain.

And, if I had done as my XH and behaved as he did, he would have gone nuts. He liked having a loyal monogamous wife.

But that’s using an exception to prove the rule, and that doesn’t sound like a long-term affair going on for years.

There were no repercussions before either. It made zero difference to put adultery on a divorce petition. Served no purpose and was generally advised again because you had to have actually proof of penis-in-vagina.

But it’s not pure and simple is it. I know
a woman who had an affair, the OM was single and she was in an abusive marriage. Her husband was bloody awful. I stood by and cheered her on. The OM gave her the courage to leave.

Yes, self-evidently, or people wouldn’t have long term affairs. That doesn’t make it not deceitful or not cowardly.

Not everyone would prefer to end their marriage.

This thread is about affairs. That is the whole point of the thread.

You keep wittering on about something else entirely. It’s quite strange.

I accept there are situations where two adults could get “carried away” for want of a better word, and have sex despite being in relationships with other people. Lust overcomes them, they end up in bed together.

What I don’t accept is a clandestine extra-marital affair going on for years.

If you’re in a relationship that no longer works for you, and you see someone you’d rather be with, why can’t the person just end their existing relationship, before taking up with the other?

A one off sexual encounter could be attributed to poor judgment or a mistake. A long-term affair is a conscious decision to lie to your husband or wife and children (if there are any) for an extended period of time. It’s deceitful and cowardly, whichever way you cut it.

No, I think that's very naive about the reality of human interaction and emotions. Tbh I find polyamory creepier than normal affairs (sorry, polyamorists, not like I think it's wrong it just gives me the squig how formal you are about it all).

Sexual and romantic freedom is fine so long as everyone knows that’s what’s happening. But surely you can see the problem if one person in a couple thinks they’re in a monogamous relationship and the other is shagging whoever he or she likes behind their back. The deceit is in the lying, not in the sex itself.

Oh give over @PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers

Nowhere have I advocated for affairs.

Imagine living an entire life miserable because people on Mumsnet think it's moral to do so. Hope I don't live to see the next handmaid's tale era. We're so lucky to live in an age of sexual and romantic freedom.

If you tell a friend things you know your partner would hate you to tell are you cheating?

No no. This kind of deceit and betrayal is fine because humans are not meant to be monogamous. 🙄

DH uncle worked overseas and it turned out he lived with another woman for 6 years before his poor wife found out. To this day MIL makes excuses for him. She makes digs about how his wife was a SAHM and liked spending. Funnily enough MIL was a SAHM for 19 years and fell out of love with FIL when the money ran out according to DH. There is a fair bit of projecting going on I feel.

His wife couldn’t work because their youngest child had additional needs. The extent of those needs means they have to live in supported housing as an adult.

I wouldn’t want to go back to totally puritanical times but freedoms to be our authentic selves or whatever crap it’s called these days has led to the demise of people having any sort of moral code.

It's a side issue. Serial monogamy is not cheating.

I agree that the social stigma around affairs is waning. I was very surprised on a recent thread that a significant number of posters took the view that affairs happen, life is complex, very much “that’s life”.

I completely concur that it’s deceit, pure and simple.

Some people deserve to be cheated on so one could argue the cheater is not necessarily the criminal.

@Flamingcoming I wasn’t suggesting anyone was forced, I’ve been arguing for the fact that among mammals having one mate for life is unusual.

The new no fault divorce laws have in effect made adultery acceptable, anyone can be having an affair & there are no repercussions.

Or should we read virtually all the comments on this thread and look for the word 'deceit' instead of waxing all post-moral about amorality?

@EvieBB
sorry I only knew this socially / from being friends with French people and reading the French papers - rather than scientifically - so I’ve resorted to Google AI:
apparently less than half the people in France consider affairs a moral failing

www.google.com/search?q=attitudes+to+affairs+france+vs+uk&sca_esv=19cdb9ead32b966e&sxsrf=ANbL-n4pYzBfU3jcgiGubxzTXbq_dQgxSg%3A1781470529252&source=hp&ei=QRUvaunwDMDGhbIPhaHviAI&biw=1024&bih=1234&oq=attitudes+to+affairs+france+vs+uk&gs_lp=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&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-hp#lfId=ChxjMe