To think long term affairs are like a form of fraud really

Yup.

The other party might also have been feeling similarly constrained, but if you don't talk, you'll never know.

I could never, ever cheat on someone I was committed to in a monogamous relationship. I just couldn't do it to them.

Exactly.
Or even part way into a relationship "i'''ve realised I am not sure I can manage fidelity and I want to be honest and either we can both agree to some ground rules and have an open relationship or we can agree to go our separate ways"

I agree. It's actually a pity that more people don't say "I'm not sure I can manage sixty years of fidelity and I wouldn't necessarily expect you to, either. What do you think about that?" BEFORE being committed.

But physical safety has to come into it to. And honesty. Whats the point in a relationship if it isn't rooted in honesty? And cheating means that one partner is exposed to STD risks while thinking they are having monogamous sex

I have no issue with the concept of open relationships. I have a huge issue with deceiving someone into having non monogamous sex

I agree it’s risky but the point is I don’t think the affair was wrong.

I think it's awful for the wife, because I doubt very much that she consented to it beforehand. She probably feels trapped and unloved. I expect that living like that, in a situation she did not consent to, would be very bad for her emotional and physical health.

I agree. In the past, I have reflected that being unfaithful to someone is the worst thing you can do to a person while remaining on the right side of the law.

(Assuming it's a relationship where you've pledged monogamy, like most are.)

To answer the question, if two people have agreed to be monogamous and one then has a long-term affair, yes, that is clearly fraudulent.

I don't believe in "Happily ever after".

We were brought up on fairy tales.

To add to this, I do wish there was a punishment for being cheated on if you are married and the other party has concrete evidence. Which is not the easiest thing to collect. Yes, I’m bitter about being cheated on so biased.

I actually have a whole folder with contents that prove my OH cheated, just incase I need it for the future. It’s the hardest thing I’ve had to collect, but it’s achieved somewhere incase I need it - he could take me to court? He could accuse me or something. But at least I have dated evidence.

maybe jail is extreme (if I remove my emotions), but some financial compensation from the other party of kids are involved - something…

Sometimes women are in the wrong and we need to stop acting like a man being cheated on is less than. It’s equally as cruel.

My friend told me in her culture there isn’t much shame around divorce. It’s common to have blended families and sometimes a woman might have 5 kids with different husbands, and visa versa. They see it as when the relationship comes to an end, they make a mutual agreement. But they are also very community led, so everyone knows their multiple siblings etc.

Now I don’t know what that does to their society - but I guess we have to ask what scenario is better - living a lie - often one person is having to sacrifice their happiness, usually the woman trying to hold it all together because of the shame of divorce or not keeping her family. Or everyone splits, and agreement is made for the kids - this isn’t ideal for the children short term, I’ve also been through divorced parents too, it isn’t nice but with support I grew up to appreciate a freeer and happier version of my mum then the almost desperate shell like version she was when she was with my dad.

I was asking, philosophically, if we SHOULD place such emphasis on the physical as an expression of loyalty. Look at the heartache it causes. Look at the sleepless nights, the broken families, all because of differing sex drives. How much happier would we be if we didn't have to be on the alert for signs of betrayal, and if both parties knew that we had a discreet hall pass for use if we felt the need, and if it was acknowledged that 50-60 years of fidelity is too hard for many people?

I'm talking through my hat, of course. I have never managed this.

As to your question of how, I think a lot of people are very compartmentalised.

Interesting article on the subject:
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2026/feb/15/are-we-hard-wired-for-infidelity

@CurdinHenry who are you cheating with. How can you be so self-obsessed, that you believe that it's actually ok to sign a moral if not legal contract to say you will be with one person, forsaking all others - but that actually, I need a bit of a dopamine hit so I'll go shag that person I am attracted to?

You might think it's only opinion that a terrible person is someone who would betray the person who trusts them the most, their spouse, the potential other parent of their children - but it's a pretty robustly supported opinion don't you think?

@DumpyVictoria how does a human being, who is in love with someone, learn to not be bothered by infidelity? The entire act is an act of betrayal. If you're not bothered, you're not in love. If you're not in love, then crack on, but I really don't understand how you think that's possible?

I have always been completely faithful and I'm sure that if I were ever cheated on, I'd be devastated. But looking at the horrendous heartbreak that infidelity causes, I do wonder if we might all be happier if we stopped letting infidelity scare and upset us so much. Is that the solution? Infidelity clearly isn't going anywhere, and it seems to me that the horrendous heartbreak it causes just isn't worth it. And if we are not going to get overly upset about a male partner's infidelity, that also makes us more free, too....The other solution is not to commit to anyone, ever.

That's a long way of saying maybe we take the physical side of relationships too seriously. (Full disclosure: I'm being purely philosophical here, because I've never managed to be that French about a committed relationship.)

It just seems a pity to keep letting something have the power to break us when we have NO control over whether it happens to us or not.

That's your opinion, it's not fact.

This a million per cent.

My whole 25yr relationship turned out to be a lie and my ex was at least a sociopath I'd been placating all along. I was always doing things "wrong". But I wasn't wrong, I just didn't want to always go along with his batshittery. Extraordinary to realise. He kindly told me he had no regrets after starting an emotional affair with "friend" and then ending our relationship one day, no discussion. Well, he might not but I sure as hell do. What an absolute fucking waste of my life to simper around that berk. More fool me.

Well they are scum. Lying, betrayal etc.
It is fine to not want to be with someone if you are not happy, or for whatever reason. But someone who cheats is a terrible human being.

Tell it to half the people who ever lived maybe more

Get it when single.

You have a very strange take on life, Henry.

But everyone should get to make an informed choice

I have no issue with open relationships where both parties are honest and freely agree to it.

Dishonesty is just so grim though. It cheats someone out of making an informed decision . And puts them at risk of STDs, some of which cause cancer or infertility. Its disgusting and abusive behaviour to put someone's sexual health at risk

Huh?
You leave the existing relationship and then you can have all the passion and excitement you like

I disagree. I think people tell themselves that to avoid discomfort when they are aware of affairs but don't want to be the messenger

I don't know anyone who wants to be kept in the dark that their spouse is having affairs. Not least because they are being put at risk of STDs

Sometimes a person just needs a bit of passion and excitement and dopamine. I can't understand what it's like being inside the skull of someone who is content to drudge to the grave. "Sure I washed pants and fell asleep in front of love island and that was it but it was THE MORAL OPTION".

I left an awful abusive relationship. I got there with help from a therapist not an affair partner.
It's hugely risky to just ricochet into the arms of another man, there's a decent chance they will prove to be abusive too if you haven't done the therapy you need to do /the freedom programme.

Agree. I think it should be a crime to have sex someone who believes they are in a monogamous relationship with you when in fact you are having sex with someone else