AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

I think this visit to PILs needs to be cancelled completely. FIL needs to get the message that he has no authority over you or your child (ideally DH too!). Until he accepts this and behaves in a respectful manner, his bad behaviour will nit be rewarded.

Like many PPs, I would be interested to hear what your DH is doing and has done about this @SeriouslyIsThisBonkers .

Well if it were me I'd tell them to get fucked and they wouldn't see him at all. What type of moron is going to "deliver" their child to some rude entitled arsehole? Absolutely not.

All seems quite weird and rude, makes me wonder what might have been lost in translation.

Its not normal.

fil has overplayed his hand somewhat!

He seems to think he's your boss. A particularly rude boss. I suggest you resign from this position immediately!

Your DH needs to step up and be firm or things will just get worse.

My toxic, possibly covert narcissist MIL worked hard to build a relationship with our children independently of me (she hates me). We didn't realise what was going on until it was too late. Masses of undermining our parenting, refusing to acknowledge one child's diagnosis (I allegedly fabricated it to excuse my poor parenting). Now after a visit where I'm not there, my eldest (teen) sometimes says, "well, she didn't say too many bad things about you THIS time!" Teen is noticeably ruder & less respectful to me after seeing her.

My youngest now refuses to speak to or visit her, which is good for me as I no longer have to see her, but not good for family relations in general. She tried to get DH to leave me so I'd have to separate the children (both high needs ASD) and she would end up with the one she liked living with her. Tried to get DS to contact her on a phone I had no access to so I wouldn't know what she was saying to him. Tried to get him to visit on his own because then I couldn't interfere apply any boundaries to her.

If you let it go, it will only get worse with time.

What was your DH doing about the horrible comments by FIL?

Stand strong and your DH needs to tell your FIL in writing;

You have done nothing but verbally abuse my partner for years about her appearance and way of life, so she is no longer comfortable staying with you or allowing our son to visit without her. To clarify, this is a direct result of YOUR behaviour. I ask that you respect the visiting times given, though I am happy to reschedule any that don’t work for you.

I’d totally disengage with this madness and get dh to deal with him

weird and rude. Just go stay with your parents and send ds to do something with them on a couple of occasions when you’re there. I wouldn’t want to be near them.

They wouldn’t be seeing me or my children again. Does DH not have your back on this?

I have said it before on here and I will say it again. Men don’t put themselves out until they have been put out. It’s more comfortable for your dh to have you peeved with him than to have his parents (in another country, no less) upset at him.

Unfortunately, your I’m All Right, Jack husband needs to feel the pain of a wife who is so very, very unhappy with him that he learns that his life is more comfortable when Happy Wife, Happy Life is the truth of your marriage.

Or, you could say what I would say in that situation “if you don’t handle it, I will and it won’t be pretty and I won’t care”.

And what does your DH have to say on the subject?

FIL sounds awful but he’s allowed to be because it seems everyone walks on eggshells around him, including your DH who should be in your corner.

If he isn't backing you up and telling his parents how awful they are being, then you have a DH problem.

Why are you communicating with DH parents? I have left all communications with them to my DH and it makes life so much easier. Then it's not up to me. He needs to step up

Why you being so polite to them? I’d have long since lost my patience! You and dh plan, they work around you! I certainly wouldn’t be letting them have alone time, but that’s just me!

Well he's done you a favour Op, now you know exactly where you stand and you don't need to waste your time being polite to him anymore. He's a nasty, sexist pig, not a man I'd want around a vunerable child and especially not alone. If your DH doesn't side with you it's a massive red flag in your marriage

No, not okay at all. I’d also be quite concerned about sending a vulnerable SENd child into the care of someone who sounds likely to make at best unhelpful at worst really damaging comments to them.

Your FIL is an unbearable bully and misogynist. You certainly should not agree to your son spending any time with him without you there because they can't be trusted to not bad-mouth you to your son.

They are grandparents and they don't get to dictate when they see your son. They don't have any rights here.

Your DH should be telling FIL that his treatment of your is completely unacceptable and, if they want a relationship with their grandson, they need to treat his grandson's mother with courtesy and respect.

I think you could come back to your thread now OP, and tell us what your husband is doing to support you with this. That's kind of crucial information.

They wouldn’t be seeing either me of DS with that outburst!

This. If they want to see your ds then they or your dh can come and fetch him. You are not the bloody nanny.

And I'd be discouraging any further visits. You don't want your child learning such ill manners from ignorant people like them.

They do sound horrendous but I would assume the reason they want to see their grandson without you is because you've given the impression you don't want to be around them by staying elsewhere. Not that i blame you but the decision was going to escalate the tensions.

FIL sounds like a rude, sexist pig. I categorically wouldn't allow him around my son without me and would be incredibly reluctant to see him myself (certainly not something I'd consider without a full apology and promise to behave politely in future).

Your son doesn't need a relationship with an arsehole regardless of whether they share some DNA. Do you want him to grow up thinking it's acceptable to call women "silly little girls" if they disagree with him?

What's MIL like? If she's nice I'd offer to meet her with DS away from FIL.

"No, I won't be leaving my child alone with someone who insults me to my face. You silly little man".

At least they're in a different country. Imagine dealing with this all the time...

FIL sounds awful, does your husband stand up for you and set boundaries when he says these things to you? I don't think it's typical to stay separate from your husband,and I can see why they want to see their grandchild and maybe see it as -you've said, you will take him to your parents as from their perspective they should get to see him as well, but it's understandable that you don't want to stay with him, just that you and your DH probably need to be more united as a team and sticking together because they are casting you as the bad guy here. I think your DH needs to stick up for you more, and I'd only have the child visit with you as a family not leave you out.

Your DH should be suggesting he gets a hotel and none of you see his awful family and spend time with yours and as a unit instead. I certainly would not let my young child near them.