AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

Your husband is a total melt if he's been present for all this and has said nothing. My MIL once thought she could get away with being rude to me, her son made it very VERY clear that she was out of line and he wasn't going to accept it. Yours should have done too, why isn't he defending you?

Not a chance would I be allowing this waste of skin FIL to see anything of my kid, he would no doubt be expressing his horrible opinions to him too. People who spread poison will find they've killed everything around them (like their relationships with other people...)

To be clear, I mean you do nothing to arrange any meet up, your ds goes nowhere near their house, if your dh arranges a public meet up and tells them to behave you will attend, if his dad is rude then you and ds leave immediately and he sees ds again after his massive apology or after the divorce, because if your dh wants to stay married he needs to back you up.

Wow! What a rude man.

what is your dh saying about all of it? My dh would have spoken to his father because he knows if he doesn’t deal with it I will and I have as much tact as a bull in a china shop!

for what it’s worth my in-laws have never spent time with our children without one of us being there, they have different ideas on how to bring up children to us, they feed them too much chocolate and snacks, (we could be there for hours and they wouldn’t suggest feeding them only tea and biscuits would be offered) they have a temperamental dog and both smoked when our children were younger.

Op however I've read many times on here that it's the in laws dream to get the GC without the pesky mum ,yes. Including my own.

I would even say the visit is cancelled to him due to his unacceptable communications and total lack of disrespect to the boys mum.

Where is your husband in all this???!! Your husband's Dad is rude/nasty towards you and treats you like the 'brainless silly woman' at home. Your husband should be defending you, and putting in boundaries with his parents.

I understand that you don't want to stay with his parents. Just because you usually stay with his parents, why can't you rent a Airbnb instead, so the three of you are together? I appreciate it might cost money, but it would give a united front to his parents. Instead you/son are staying with your parents and your husband with his. That's created the divide between you, and his parents are using that to their advantage.

Your FIL clearly dislikes you, that is now abundantly obvious. He thinks your husband could have married better. However, why are you facilitating the relationship between your son and your husband's parents?! Your FIL doesn't get to make demands!

Fuck them. Nobody gets access to my child while insulting me. Stay at your parents, and tell dh he can divorce you or his parents can meet you both in a public place and be polite or that’s it. But you won’t stay married with a man who okays his parents treating you like that and doesn’t stand up for you. Treat ds’s mum like shit = no grandchild for you. That’s basic.

Yeah, he wouldn’t be spending a single moment with my son and I’d be rethinking my marriage if DH didn’t back me up. I cannot believe he’s tolerated his dad treating you this appallingly over years. Have a lovely holiday with your parents! Consider yourself free of having anything to do with your husband’s parents from now on.

Again very good advice.

Honestly, it all sounds so toxic and not a suitable environment for a child to experience.

If DH does not stand up for you I'd be reconsidering the marriage full stop. Awful behaviour by FIL and should be shut down immediately. Compromises can be reached, but DH can organise that, and eat his father alive for his denigration of you, and his jackboot dictats.

You child needs to be protected from this. Full stop.

OP why is your DH allowing his parents to treat you like this????!

This.

I wholeheartedly agree with the pp who said get to relationship counselling this is not acceptable at all.
I wouldnt divide your son up like this , just do what you want and ignore and don't engage with fil. You don't tell people like that your plans .

What’s your son going to gain from spending time with this man?

You seem to have just brushed past OP's FIL's rudeness and sense of entitlement. This isn't a child custody arrangement where 50/50 contact is the norm. I assume that when the whole family used to stay with FIL when they visited, OP's parents didn't start demanding 50/50 time alone with her child, sending OP's DH rude messages.

OP's DH should have shut down his dad's misogynist comments to his wife when they were staying with him in previous years. I'm not sure why you think that OP has handled this badly. She has remained polite and reasonable, her FIL certainly has not.

I'd tell the old twat to fuck himself. Seriously.

I too want to know what your dh has said. I’m going to hope it was a resounding fuck off to his horrible ‘d’f.

This. I am quite capable of fighting fire with fire. I would have told DH that if he did not speak very firmly to his DF about the man’s appalling behaviour I will deal with it and it will not be pretty. No one tells me to deliver my child to them.

Tell your DH it’s unacceptable. You will be with your son, or neither of you are going. What a bunch of stuck up twats.

However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

Why has FIL got away with this for YEARS? Why has your wet blanket DH not done anything about it?

You have a dh problem if he finds this remotely acceptable.

My child would not be seeing them alone (or at all of they kept up that attitude). Fwiw my in laws once told us (yes told, not asked, not made a suggestion) that ds was going to live with them because they would do a much better job of parenting Needless to say he didn't, and we're nc now.

It seems to have been handled very badly.

If you are spending time alone with your son & parents I can see why FIL thought that the same would apply to them.

Why an earth are you (a) involving yourself with them, and (b) replying to these mad emails? Take yourself out of the situation completely and just forward ALL correspondence and ask your DH to deal with it. All contact with the kids goes via him. He asks whether it’s convenient. If you’ve got plans already he tells them no.

Honestly you’re in a no win situation here, they don’t like you, they will never like you, but you’re expected to facilitate contact whilst they are downright rude and exclude you. Fuck that. Either give them both barrels or have nothing to do with them, stick up for yourself.

Nobody who didn’t like me would be spending any time with my children, so that would be the end of that

OP, I wouldn’t stand for being called a “silly little girl” and the fact that your FIL has said your DS is “THEIR grandchild, and [you’re] not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with [you]” would be the end. What on earth does your DH say to all this? I can’t believe your FIL doesn’t understand that to alienate you is to cut down on the amount of time he spends with DGS. How exactly does your FIL think he’s going to “organise more time” to spend with your DS, when cutting you out completely? I sincerely hope your DH will back you up, and let them know in no uncertain terms that he, you and your DS are a family; that you come as a package, and if FIL doesn’t want to see you, he needn’t bother seeing DS either. OP, I’d be tempted to go no contact with him. What does your MIL say about all this? I think I might just be seeing my own DPs if I were you, OP, and maybe staying in a hotel near them with DS and DH. If DH wants to see his parents, that’s up to him, but after what FIL has said, I would be keeping DS far, far away from him - you don’t want your son to pick up such attitudes.

He would spend zero time with my child. Zero.

I get why you’re being passive with him, sometimes it’s easier to take the high road with arseholes, especially those in our family.

BUT. You are role modelling to your son that you will accept being spoken to like that. And exposing him to misogyny.

this awful man would never see my child.

It's not polite but I think it can actually work very well for parents to take their children to see their own parents without their partner being present! In laws are often very keen to see their own children and grandchildren and much less keen to see their DIL or SIL and it's a failure of imagination not to see this as being human nature. Go with it and enjoy your time alone with your parents, which can also be a great thing.