Page 5 | AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

LiveLuvLaugh · 13/06/2026 13:26

likeafishneedsabike · 13/06/2026 13:08

Because a 9 year old boy must not be exposed to misogynistic views via his grandfather. OP is trying to shield her son from these disturbing opinions which involve callinga grown professional woman ‘silly little girl’. The child’s father can’t be trusted to shut this down since he has accepted it previously as a description of his wife.
It’s a big mess. In OP’s shoes I would not be keeping my son at home and inviting my own parents to visit me. The ‘D’ H can go on the trip if he likes.

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My DM and her (ex) PILs couldnt stand each other. Huge rows I later found out. But my DGPs never, ever said a word against my DM when my DB and I stayed with them. Because FIL is rudecand dismissive to her face doesn’t mean he would be behind her back. I thin that would be regarded as beyond the pale by anyone.

Totaldramallama · 13/06/2026 13:14

How can women have any respect for the husbands that allow thier parents to treat wives and mothers of their children like this

WizdomE · 13/06/2026 13:13

So very sad, ur fil is terrible & u need to take back control with clear boundaries that will be tested. I would ensure your husband is onside and then state how you want to reset the relationship and if they can’t accept the ‘new boundaries’ for your whole family, then you will extract yourself and your children from that bad envirnonment as you want to role model how decent human beings interact with each other. Be clear on the consequences and then get them to agree before another visit. Don’t throw away the possibility of a reset but stick to your guns if it goes sideways. I.e get up and leave the room taking your children with you.

likeafishneedsabike · 13/06/2026 13:08

Twasasurprise · 13/06/2026 12:50

I can understand you not wanting to stay with them, but why can't your son stay with his father, with them, for half the time?

Because a 9 year old boy must not be exposed to misogynistic views via his grandfather. OP is trying to shield her son from these disturbing opinions which involve callinga grown professional woman ‘silly little girl’. The child’s father can’t be trusted to shut this down since he has accepted it previously as a description of his wife.
It’s a big mess. In OP’s shoes I would not be keeping my son at home and inviting my own parents to visit me. The ‘D’ H can go on the trip if he likes.

Frugalgal · 13/06/2026 12:59

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

If I had given up my lucrative professional career and all the independence, financial and otherwise, that went along with it, to homeschool a man's child, you can bloody well be sure it would be done on the basis that I would not be treated like some disrespected mug by a wet ingrate husband or his disrespectful obnoxious parents. They'd be a very long time waiting for a visit from their grandchild if I were you!

Cop yourself on OP, for goodness sake.

thepariscrimefiles · 13/06/2026 12:59

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 10:00

Having just been out (not UK time zone), for those saying come back to the thread...

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high". I've told him repeatedly over the years about all the rudeness, which is always delivered when he's elsewhere (PIL know exactly what they're doing). He's been present for some of the points where I've been told I am a silly little girl.

Yes, he's a wet weekend around his parents, and no, he doesn't have my back, he's too busy trying to keep his job and keep his arsehole parents happy. However, I'm also now completely dependent on him given that I'm stuck homeschooling DS, so what choice do I have?

Honestly, you need to make your DH's life more of a misery if he doesn't support and stick up for you than him disobeying his parents would do.

You also need to be as rude to his frightful parents as they are to you. Don't try and keep the peace. Stay at your parents with your DS and refuse to let your DH take your DS to his parents' house without you. He is being totally disloyal and pathetic. He married you and had a child with you. His loyalities should lie with you. He needs to access some therapy urgently.

RandomMess · 13/06/2026 12:58

I think I would just pay for your DP to come and visit you instead. DH can go visit his parents on his own.

Twasasurprise · 13/06/2026 12:50

I can understand you not wanting to stay with them, but why can't your son stay with his father, with them, for half the time?

crypticandmachiavellian · 13/06/2026 12:49

BillieWiper · 13/06/2026 12:42

How odd. They have zero 'rights' to see or speak to your kid at all so surely they realise pissing you off isn't going get them more access to YOUR child?

Tell DH to inform them to back the fuck up else contact will be reduced to absolutely nothing.

This. They wouldn’t be seeing DS at all as the current situation stands, and I’d be having a serious conversation with my “D”H about boundaries and respect.

Clearinguptheclutter · 13/06/2026 12:44

I’m not saying LTB just saying don’t engage with in-laws at all from this point forward
he can take DS to see them if he must

BillieWiper · 13/06/2026 12:42

How odd. They have zero 'rights' to see or speak to your kid at all so surely they realise pissing you off isn't going get them more access to YOUR child?

Tell DH to inform them to back the fuck up else contact will be reduced to absolutely nothing.

Marycontrarygarden · 13/06/2026 12:39

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 10:00

Having just been out (not UK time zone), for those saying come back to the thread...

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high". I've told him repeatedly over the years about all the rudeness, which is always delivered when he's elsewhere (PIL know exactly what they're doing). He's been present for some of the points where I've been told I am a silly little girl.

Yes, he's a wet weekend around his parents, and no, he doesn't have my back, he's too busy trying to keep his job and keep his arsehole parents happy. However, I'm also now completely dependent on him given that I'm stuck homeschooling DS, so what choice do I have?

What choice do you have?! Give me a break. You have free will.

Marycontrarygarden · 13/06/2026 12:38

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

If you actually go and visit them you are insane. Psychos.

SockPlant · 13/06/2026 12:36

You have plenty of choice since your DH is presumably going along with you and DS staying with your parents?

Get DH to collect DH and "deliver" him to his parents when you have offered, and ignore their demands at all other times.

And you can write to them one more time telling them they are rude and that since you rather than DH is primary carer, they can imagine how much facilititating you will be doing in future.

And then just do exactly as you please.

NNforthispost · 13/06/2026 12:33

FiL is a piece of work - you can decide who your child forms a relationship with and, for me, it wouldn’t be someone who was dripping poison in their ears when they’re at an impressionable age. My dad behaved like your FiL and I made sure my child had very little time with him until he was old enough to understand he was an arrogant idiot.

HazelMember · 13/06/2026 12:32

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 10:00

Having just been out (not UK time zone), for those saying come back to the thread...

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high". I've told him repeatedly over the years about all the rudeness, which is always delivered when he's elsewhere (PIL know exactly what they're doing). He's been present for some of the points where I've been told I am a silly little girl.

Yes, he's a wet weekend around his parents, and no, he doesn't have my back, he's too busy trying to keep his job and keep his arsehole parents happy. However, I'm also now completely dependent on him given that I'm stuck homeschooling DS, so what choice do I have?

Your DS is learning it is acceptable for men to put women down and belittle them.

LiveLuvLaugh · 13/06/2026 12:24

I never had DPILs but my DSIL did sort of expect that she would have time with my DCs without me or DP there. It took a bit of planning and was sometimes a bit inconvenient - DSIL and family didn’t live locally - but I did go along with this and I think it was good for my DCs, I think it helped them to be confident and outgoing. I had loads of time with my DGPs without my parents there when I was a child and I really treasured this - I felt that the relationships with them were stronger and I liked the autonomy. I think that there is no right or wrong way. It’s not wrong of your PILs to ask for exclusive time with your DS this but not wrong for you to disagree - you know your DS.
Given that you decided that you didn’t want to stay with your PILS because they were unpleasant and undermining to you, why do you want to spend any time with them? That’s seems a bit inconsistent. Could your DH pick up your DS on the visit days?

grumpygrape · 13/06/2026 12:20

Mythoughtsalone · 13/06/2026 12:08

I would expect your DH to show more loyalty to you and DS. His father sounds like a mean bully and I wouldn't want my child exposed to that attitude in my absence.

This sums it up for me.

Twotoned · 13/06/2026 12:13

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 10:00

Having just been out (not UK time zone), for those saying come back to the thread...

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high". I've told him repeatedly over the years about all the rudeness, which is always delivered when he's elsewhere (PIL know exactly what they're doing). He's been present for some of the points where I've been told I am a silly little girl.

Yes, he's a wet weekend around his parents, and no, he doesn't have my back, he's too busy trying to keep his job and keep his arsehole parents happy. However, I'm also now completely dependent on him given that I'm stuck homeschooling DS, so what choice do I have?

So your husband is part of the abuse.
His "depressed" response is used to shut you down.
To control and manipulate you.
You need a domestic abuse charity to support you.
Reach out when you get back to the UK.
While with your parents, keep your son with you, or lose both your passports.

You need to seek support.

Mythoughtsalone · 13/06/2026 12:08

I would expect your DH to show more loyalty to you and DS. His father sounds like a mean bully and I wouldn't want my child exposed to that attitude in my absence.

andweallsingalong · 13/06/2026 11:37

I think you escalated things by agreeing to the visit but refusing to stay in their home, likely causing great offence, instead of refusing to go and just sending DH or addressing their awful treatment of you.

DH needs to step up and stand up to them / insist on an apology and until then none of you go OR accept that you don't want a relationship with people who are awful to you and visit solo with DS.

PrBLev · 13/06/2026 11:35

Absolutely not unreasonable.
My in-laws sent a multiple page letter to my partner detailing every one of my perceived faults and telling him to end our relationship.
Guess what, they now have no relationship with their grandson and very little contact with their own son (his choice).

Gwenna · 13/06/2026 11:29

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Wow I was reading this as if you were divorced at first (still bad!) but you’re still married! Absolutely YANBU, OP - they sound horrible. Why the sudden change also or have they always been like this? Often the reason can be jealousy but where from I wonder.

MeanwhileinGilead · 13/06/2026 11:27

Grandparents, PILs and indeed parents are not intended to be extremist misogynists. Ideally, you wouldn't spend any time with FIL and would not allow DS to do so unsupervised. I'd also think my husband was a knob for not speaking up - for a complete stranger if his arsehole dad spouted off like this, let alone for his actual wife whom he's supposed to love and care about !! - but there are probably inheritance issues that complicate matters from his perspective.

I'm only adding this part because of your follow-up comment that you don't think you have a choice but to go along with your husband's decisions. That's an untenable situation, full stop. Don't forget that if your DS needs to be homeschooled, that that is your husband's responsibility every bit as much as yours, both financially and in terms of logistics, work, time, and energy. If someone needs to cut back on work or even take a full career break - thus reducing present and future income, pension, employability, etc. - then make sure that the and the burden doesn't fall disproportionately on one partner/parent vs the other.

Chickadee001 · 13/06/2026 11:15

Omg I'd be relieved they didn't want a relationship with me but very wary of what they might be saying to your kids! What's your husband's opinion? Or is he concerned about disrespecting his 'dreadful' sounding Father!?