Page 3 | AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/06/2026 07:10

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 14/06/2026 06:11

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t even let my ds see them either.

You are his mother. Why would you let your child be around people who constantly disrespect his mother?

PrueRamsay · 14/06/2026 07:10

I still don’t think DS should be seeing these dreadful people.

PloddingAlong21 · 14/06/2026 07:05

They sound horrific.

What is the reason for their dislike of you? It seema stronger than being indifferent or dislike? Has something happened in the past and they can’t let it go?! Bizarre.

Dont tolerate it. Youre right to stay with your parents. I think you’re right letting them have a relationship with your DS - if they treat him well and aren’t rude about you in his presence.

Original poster

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 14/06/2026 06:34

To those saying "go back to work, get an EHCP and obtain the provision required" "try a private school" etc

Here, there are no EHCPs, there is no provision at all, unless your child is severely intellectually disabled and not expected to ever learn to read or write.
There are also no private schools where we live, and the only schools that will take DS are absolutely f*ing dire. Think 60 kids ratting round the floor of an open-plan classroom sharing ipads, all talking, basically none of them on task, and one teacher alternately screeching or ignoring (because the other teacher is inevitably teaching one of the other year groups, because there's a massive teacher shortage).

Also the kids are all constantly sick because 5 days off gets you onto the treadmill of warnings and fines over attendance, and schools get sanctioned for having poor attendance figures.

Add to that the ridiculously rapid recent introduction of an AI-slop version of the UK curriculum (with mates rates contracts for the education minister's Atlas-group friends who produce textbooks), which none of the teachers are ready to teach and none of the kids are ready to absorb.

DS can't cope in loud environments, can't process thought or auditory information. He also picks up every single thing going and is sick with every cold for 3-4 weeks. When he went to school he was constantly sick, literally the entire time (this was before the era of strict attendance targets, sanctions, fines, etc). He'd actually be fine with their new curriculum because it's fairly similar to what he's doing. He is doing fine on the UK curriculum at home, is well on track academically, and is healthy, happy, eating and drinking, reading, enjoying things. He was a traumatised non-functioning mess at school.

OP posts:

Original poster

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 14/06/2026 06:11

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

OP posts:

Moveoverdarlin · 14/06/2026 00:37

Being called a silly little girl would have been the turning point for me. I just wouldn’t entertain a relationship with them.

PeoniesAreMyFavouriteFlowers · 14/06/2026 00:34

What awful people they are.

I would not let my child be around such vile people.

Kerry242 · 14/06/2026 00:33

I'd go back with,

I have heard of another message saying XYZ. I would like to remind you that I am the mother of X. You will not speak to me or about me in this way and then go onto demand contact with my child. This behaviour is entirely unacceptable and until such time that you can you be respectful you will not be seeing either myself or MY son at all.

If your husband cannot stand up to his parents, stand up for yourself.

I think you need to figure out a way to get back into work. Appreciate your son has autism/adhd but I think instead of remaining entirely financially dependent on your husband - you could look at alternative education such as a private school for your son and re-enter the workforce.

Your marriage is in crisis if your DH is going to partake and side with your parents in this instance - or even sit on the fence.

SadieB00 · 13/06/2026 23:17

Afterthefact · 13/06/2026 23:09

I'd tell them to fuck off

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Your suggestion is rather aggressive, direct, rude and absolutely fucking necessary and exactly what she should do 🤣 love it!

Afterthefact · 13/06/2026 23:09

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

I'd tell them to fuck off

DearDenimEagle · 13/06/2026 22:08

That’s how my in laws were. I was just the brood mare, providing them with children. Once that was done, I was to clear off.

Iizzyb · 13/06/2026 22:04

Just to add to this if DS is AUDHD are you sure they’re not secretly wanting to have him there without you so that they can ‘improve him’ or teach him how to behave ‘properly?’

I have a relative who has tried to improve’ Ds over the years (food struggles, always had his teddy as a smaller child) - turns out it’s not due to my cr*p parenting after all he’s neurodiverse but some people think they know better than the parents

so I’m another one saying no way is Ds seeing them without you unless your DH grows a pair & you’re confident he’ll stand up to them & not allow any nonsense

cookbookjunkie · 13/06/2026 21:12

AguNwaanyi · 13/06/2026 15:46

You didn’t have to change this post, but fundamentally you don’t see, or I am going to say, understand the gravity of disrespect these in-laws are showing OP. This isn’t just a “they don’t get along type of thing. FIL is a big bully.
Your advice to her is pretty much to keep doing what she’s doing i.e. placate them, and the rest of us want her to get up from her knees.

Edited

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That isn't my advice AT ALL. I don't give a stuff whether she makes an effort with him or not. I just don't think it's unreasonable that the time with the grandchild should be split roughly equally between both sets of GPs if that's what her DH would like. No-one is forcing her to spend time with her FIL.

FunMustard · 13/06/2026 20:02

Oh @SeriouslyIsThisBonkers I'm so sorry. This sounds seriously upsetting.

I would not entertain this for a minute, but I have been known to hold grudges for a loooooing time. I would also be having serious words with DH; if he can't stand up to his parents, then he needs to limit his contact with them.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable with my kids staying with relatives who openly (well, openly to their dad) say their mother isn't part of the family?!

ThatAzureLion · 13/06/2026 19:53

Your husband should grow some balls and deal with this.

CaragianettE · 13/06/2026 19:48

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

I’m sorry your FIL has been making what sound like awful comments to you. I can totally understand how that’s very hard to take, and in those circumstances I wouldn’t be keen to stay with them either. However you seem to have got into a dynamic of communicating with them in a pretty passive aggressive way? I think ideally you would have asserted yourself sooner and told FIL calmly as soon as it started that it’s not acceptable for him to speak that way to you. Personally I wouldn’t have sent the email you sent because it implies that you are indeed willing to bring DS to them at their beck and call while not being included in the visits? Don’t communicate that unless you actually are willing. I think you need to change your communication style with them, try to take the emotion/sarcasm/passive aggression out of it, and just communicate your boundaries with them calmly and assertively. ‘Yes I’ll drop DS off on Friday’. ‘No we can’t do Tuesday as that doesn’t work for us’. ‘Don’t speak to me rudely’. Have you actually explained to them in plain language that the reason you and DS are staying with your parents this time round is that you find FIL’s comments to you unacceptable?

Lyraloo · 13/06/2026 19:47

You also need to grow a backbone. You have choices, be a doormat for your in-laws and your husband or get a life outside of their toxic environment.

Hildegard25 · 13/06/2026 19:25

He seems to have no problems being rude and nasty to you.
Reciprocate and tell him to fuck off.

Khayker · 13/06/2026 19:17

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

My advice, stay well away and speak to your husband about their rude behaviour. Your husbamd shouldn't be entertaining taking your son to see them under these circumstances. He needs to be firm with them.

EsmeSusanOgg · 13/06/2026 19:05

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 10:00

Having just been out (not UK time zone), for those saying come back to the thread...

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high". I've told him repeatedly over the years about all the rudeness, which is always delivered when he's elsewhere (PIL know exactly what they're doing). He's been present for some of the points where I've been told I am a silly little girl.

Yes, he's a wet weekend around his parents, and no, he doesn't have my back, he's too busy trying to keep his job and keep his arsehole parents happy. However, I'm also now completely dependent on him given that I'm stuck homeschooling DS, so what choice do I have?

Can he not help homeschool?

independentfriend · 13/06/2026 19:03

You can probably improve the sleeping situation at your parents' house with an air bed / camping mat + sleeping bag / blankets. Two of you in one single bed isn't going to be comfortable and if you don't sleep everybody will be grumpier.

Couples counselling is a possible plan.

Evening work (? Open University/ other universities that teach remotely in the evenings) might help.

If not you're at finding a day job and your son going to a mainstream school whilst you apply for an EHCP and obtain the provision he needs.

If your son has middle or high rate DLA your other option is to try to manage on carer's allowance+/- universal credit as a single parent.

PinkPonyAnonymous · 13/06/2026 19:00

That’s absolutely bonkers.

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but given it may have been a while since you have last seen them is there a possibility of an old age condition like Parkinson’s or dementia? It sounds like slightly manic behaviour. Would this be typical or might they not be getting the care they need at their age?

Smudgesmith · 13/06/2026 18:57

I find it interesting in your update that your husband is clearly not up to standing up to his family with a history of being very rude and abusive to you, but that you feel like as you home school a special needs child what are you going to do? You dont say you love him. Or hes a good dad. You say he lets his dad abuse you. This isn't a good husband or father. Whatever you do about the holiday time and personally id be saying sticking to your guns, id be looking at how things could work financially if you split up. Look into if you're able to work even a few hours a week, or what you'd be given re support from the government if anything, as a carers allowance, with money from him topping you up.

MMUmum · 13/06/2026 18:55

SeriouslyIsThisBonkers · 13/06/2026 06:40

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

Nasty man, obviously used to getting his own way by being a bully. I would insist on staying with Ds, I wouldn't want him around this man for any length of time

Nanny0gg · 13/06/2026 18:49

Just out of idle curiosity, what stellar position did FiL have previously?

And I wouldn't go and see them at all

Do they have any understanding of ND children? Will they upset your son?