AIBU to think my in-laws are rude about seeing DS alone?

Edited to say this was in response to thepariscrimefiles.

Well that was then and this is now. Clearly things have changed. We don't know how time was split previously, do we? Just because they stayed at their house it doesn't automatically follow that they had more quality time and social time together. Perhaps they did, I have no idea and neither do you.

I'm aware of all the things the FIL has apparently said that have upset the OP. But this isn't about using access to his grandchild as a way of punishing him, or at least it shouldn't be. I disagree that her DH is a wet blanket, he's a man caught between a rock and a hard place and perhaps he sees a middle ground between two strong characters who just don't see eye to eye. But one of them is his dad. Is he supposed to ruin his own relationship with his dad just because his wife doesn't like him? He's respected her right to not want to stay there and no doubt if her parents had more space he'd be staying with them too. But limiting time spent with his own parents may not be something he is prepared to do.

Now that there is a clear rift and the OP and the FIL do not wish to spend any time together, there needs to be a grown up arrangement that doesn't put her DH in a difficult position where he has to prioritise his PILs over his own parents. If her DH wants to be able to share his child's time equally between both sets of grandparents and he's happy to do whatever running around is needed to facilitate that, then he should be able to. I fully agree that the OP shouldn't have to jump when her FIL says jump and 'deliver' the child to them, but she shouldn't stop her DH facilitating these visits if he wants to. He's respected her decision to not stay there herself, and that's great. But he doesn't have to be told by her that his child can spend less time with them simply because she finds his dad rude. Again, I stress, this should be about what her DH feels is fair and right. If he decides he's happy to spend more time with her PILs than his own for whatever reason, then that's absolutely fine. If not, then a roughly 50:50 split is the right thing to do.

If he wants his son to have just as much time with his parents as hers, then he should not have to ask permission to do that. Grandchildren are not pawns in some power play game. Rationing access should not be used as a form of punishment for PILs you dislike. It's petty and childish. Rise above the urge.

Is this normal? Or really rude and weird?

We're going to visit DH's and my parents next week. They live in a large city overseas, on opposite sides of the city.

We have all traditionally stayed with DH's parents, who have a large house (3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms). However over the years DH's father (my FIL) has made increasing numbers of snide rude comments to me about things like my appearance, my lack of career (I used to be a university lecturer; now I homeschool DS9, who is AuDHD and couldn't cope in school), the fact I "do nothing all day" and apparently "play at housekeeping". If I ever have any kind of opposing view (I rarely do, but have occasionally about logistical points where he's been completely up the creek) I'm apparently a "silly little girl".

So this time, I said how about DS and I stay with my parents, and DH stays with his. My parents don't have space for three guests and as it is DS and I will be sharing a tiny room and a single bed.

PIL have sent a rude email demanding that DS see them 50% of the days we're there. I send back a very polite email suggesting times and dates. FIL phones DH and tells him the times are insufficient, they'll be organising more time, and that I am to deliver DS to their house or wherever, wait outside, and collect him 2-3 hours later.

I've sent in reply
"I just thought I ought to check whether I am indeed not invited to any of the occasions where I'm bringing DS9 to meet you? I thought perhaps something got lost in translation, since FIL didn't acknowledge my email and phoned DH instead."

No answer to me. PIL apparently fuming, rang up DH to complain about my rudeness. Apparently they want to develop a relationship with DS9 independently of me, because he's THEIR grandchild, and I'm not related to them and they have no interest in having a relationship with me. And they thought I'd be pleased to just go shopping or something for a few hours.

Is this actually how grandparents are meant to behave?
Only able to relate to grandkids without that pesky DIL in the way?

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

Being called a silly little girl would have been the turning point for me. I just wouldn’t entertain a relationship with them.

Can you trust your DH to take action if (or more likely 'when') your in-laws try anything stupid? As he is scared of them and completely under their thumb, do you really think that he will have the guts to confront his parents and tell them that they won't be seeing their grandson again if they try anything stupid? In your previous post you said:

DH is at the depressed miserable stage of saying "it's all so dysfunctional" but not actually standing up to his parents at all. They say jump, he says "how high".

Your in-laws have currently got their own way on everything. They don't have to have you in their home ever again and they have unimpeded access to your son. I would bet my life on them 'trying something stupid' by continuing to bad-mouth you in front of your son and your DH with no negative consequences at all. Your DH will remain silent as he finds standing up to his parents utterly impossible.

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

To those saying "go back to work, get an EHCP and obtain the provision required" "try a private school" etc

Here, there are no EHCPs, there is no provision at all, unless your child is severely intellectually disabled and not expected to ever learn to read or write.
There are also no private schools where we live, and the only schools that will take DS are absolutely f*ing dire. Think 60 kids ratting round the floor of an open-plan classroom sharing ipads, all talking, basically none of them on task, and one teacher alternately screeching or ignoring (because the other teacher is inevitably teaching one of the other year groups, because there's a massive teacher shortage).

Also the kids are all constantly sick because 5 days off gets you onto the treadmill of warnings and fines over attendance, and schools get sanctioned for having poor attendance figures.

Add to that the ridiculously rapid recent introduction of an AI-slop version of the UK curriculum (with mates rates contracts for the education minister's Atlas-group friends who produce textbooks), which none of the teachers are ready to teach and none of the kids are ready to absorb.

DS can't cope in loud environments, can't process thought or auditory information. He also picks up every single thing going and is sick with every cold for 3-4 weeks. When he went to school he was constantly sick, literally the entire time (this was before the era of strict attendance targets, sanctions, fines, etc). He'd actually be fine with their new curriculum because it's fairly similar to what he's doing. He is doing fine on the UK curriculum at home, is well on track academically, and is healthy, happy, eating and drinking, reading, enjoying things. He was a traumatised non-functioning mess at school.

This man is not a husband, my own in laws are similar and my husband puts firm boundaries in places, he stands up for me and puts them straight. If they can’t respect you I wouldn’t allow them to see their grand child and I certainly wouldn’t trust your husband to stop them from disrespecting you in front of your child.

You need to tell your husband this is making you miserable and if he actually loved you he wouldn’t allow his parents to disrespect you in such a way, your child could start copying it to! You might think you are stuck with him but you are not, you’re definitely better off seeking legal advice, there is some free out there and if you have to home school your child he will still have to support that I’m sure and you’ll be entitled to things like carers allowance and other bits (you’ll be entitled to that now), there’s more than you probably realise.

Your husband is a waste of space to be honest. He might be providing for the family but he should also be standing up for your family and protecting it, he’s clearly not doing that and not working as a unit.

If your h thinks it’s dysfunctional then why are either of you exposing your unwitting child to these awful people?

It has to stop with your h putting his foot down. And you. By letting them have access to your child you’re okay’ing their behaviour.

DH talked to them today about it. Their view is they "can't pretend the relationship is warm" and they don't want to see me, and don't want to interact with DS when I'm around. They seem to see no reason to be even basically polite to me.

So, I'm done, and won't be seeing them again.

DH is going to watch like a hawk with DS, and if they try ANYTHING stupid, then DS won't be seeing them again either.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t even let my ds see them either.

You are his mother. Why would you let your child be around people who constantly disrespect his mother?