Why does my daughter’s father say this kind of stuff?

Narcissist because he’s socially awkward?!?! WTF??? Do you even understand the definition of narcissistic personality disorder?

i dont think what he said was that bad, but you say you are autistic so there is a good chance your ex is add or adhd as these personality types tend to get together. that would explain why he seems to say blurt out things you see as inapropriate

There's nothing wrong with his suggestion, but interpretation of that kind of conversation depends entirely on tone, facial expression and body language. We weren't there to see any of that. Did the parent show any signs of being offended?

I guess they’d assume that because the alternative is you chose to have a child with someone you didn’t think was good father material. Which reflects on you and your decision making. Whereas assuming you thought he’d be a good father is giving you the benefit of the doubt.

You are getting too involved. He’s your ex. Conversations with him only need to be about your shared child. Shut down any other topic. If he’s got no friends to go to, he can pay for a therapist. Or reflect on why he has no friends and take steps to remedy that. It’s not for you to fix him or be there for him. Ask him not to turn up at school on your days. He should only be going there if he’s picking your daughter up for his time with her, or if there’s a school event on that he’s going to see.

As for the other mum, if you’re worried he’s offended her and don’t want it to reflect on you, next time you see her say something like “sorry about Nigel the other day. I think you can now see why he’s an ex!” and give a little laugh. That way she’ll know it’s not your opinion that her son needs a tutor, and you’ll make it clear you two aren’t together. I’m sure she’s unlikely to have given it a second thought though!

Hi @MyTrivia

It sounds like your ex treated you very badly - he messed you about early on, and was seeing someone whilst with you which you only discovered after you had your daughter.

It also sounds like he's pretty unpleasant to most/all people in his life (eg current supervisor) and random people he comes across (eg mum at school gate), hence he has no friends.

Not your problem.

He also won't listen to any advice you give him.

Not your problem.

So why do you let him "come crying to you"?
Just don't engage with it.
Don't give him any more advice.
Don't be his "sounding board".

You only need to communicate with him regarding the care of your daughter.
Anything else - just shut it down, don't enter into any discussion at all.

Also if you have agreed days for him to have access/care of your daughter, he should be sticking to that and not randomly turning up when he feels like it. That can be very unsettling for the child (and you), and sounds like a control issue to me.
You should ask him not to do that any more, and if he persists you could go to court to formally agree access times (if you haven't already), or add it to an existing CO.

Why do you let him come crying to you etc if he's an ex? What he does and says only reflects on him..... Maybe if that was more obvious people would realise... You sound like still a couple? If you're both picking up from school and he's talking to you about his life etc..

Clearer boundaries may help both you and dc and others to understand it's him

What do you mean judgement, I was just quoting yourself back at you that you said you were unusual or hard to understand to NTs. Autism presents differently in different people and tone is a massive issue for some people so I think sometimes we need to show some grace. However as I said if he’s deliberately hurting people that is different - I haven’t met him so don’t know!

Well was the other mum offended? This is just men really, they like giving advice and trying to be helpful. If he's autistic he especially won't understand social norms or understand women are just looking for support/empathy not necessarily wanting actual practical advice.

I assume you liked him enough at one point to think he was good father material

I don't think you sound weird at all.

I think you sound thoughtful and kind.

You're especially kind to your very annoying ex, trying to help him, and listening when he rings you to complain about feeling lonely.

Your ex definitely sounds overbearing (re the 6 yr old needing a tutor) and difficult (re the police officer and the too-dark windows).
I bet you are very glad every day that you don't have to live with him any more.

💐

Agree. And a lot of parents do get tutors for young kids now-I don't necessarily agree with it myself, but it's definitely not a weird thing to say.

Sounds like a narcissistic dickhead. A lot like my ex who though everyone should hear his words of wisdom and performative parenting

“I think really he needs to learn not to get people’s backs up. 🤷🏻‍♀️”

If it were that simple though … of course if he’s deliberately insulting people that’s different. But if he’s accidentally rubbing people up the wrong way it might be like asking you to get up one morning and make yourself not unusual or hard to understand to NTs

You’re reading far too much into this!!
Yes your ex did suggest a tutor which is good advice!!
I think it’s you with the misunderstanding not your husband!

You sound like you don’t like him and you don’t have a good word to say about him, he’s better off being separated from you

Honestly you sound more weird.

I think maybe you haven't used the best example here then? I don't think what he's said is rude really? Sounds like he was trying to be helpful. But obviously we don't know the tone he used. Was the mum annoyed?

If you are separated I would find him turning up at school on my days to pick up the bigger issue. Isn't this a bit odd and confusing for your child?

Can you give another example? As the one you’ve given just sounds like someone making conversation.