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Original poster

Hen party problems

137 replies

Feralbookworm · 12/06/2026 08:14

I will try and keep this as sort as possible..

So basically i am bridesmaid for one of my close friends next year. I felt very privileged to be asked a few months ago about being part of her big day.

Feb time we were told where and when the away hen was to be but MOH would be organising. Hen do is to be October quite an expensive destination 4 nights. Immediately I was dreading it, for reference, I am a single parent to 2 girls. Myself and ex split over a year ago, not received any maintenance (ongoing case) and he’s very unreliable when it comes to seeing the girls. I don’t have a big support network except my mum ( who’s just went through significant treatment for health condition and therefore cannot drive).

Turned out hen was costing around £1000 plus, not including brunches planned or spending money/food/ nights out. I just knew there was no way I could afford it at such short notice. I only work part time and I can’t afford to take my kids away this year due to ongoing maintenance not being paid and potential legal fees solicitors etc. Now a lot of girls weren’t able to go but me being the only BM I felt awful. However, there was no budging on destination or dates which would have made it more affordable for everyone.

i explained to my friend that I couldn’t go, apologised profusely, explained that I genuinely just do not have the money and it wouldn’t be fair on the kids. plus it would be really difficult for me to have my girls minded as mum can’t drive etc etc

she wasn’t happy at all, said she expected me to be there for her, was really disappointed in me, it was her big day and she wanted me there for it etc etc: I said I am not missing your big day but due to mum not being well, kids I just can’t manage it, I will be there for the home hen party etc I got quite a dry message back about well she has no choice but to be ok with it. Not once was I asked if I was ok, was mum ok and I am actually now so hurt. For context I’ve just had the worst year of my life with my ex (abusive) and my mum being very unwell and I’ve never been asked if I’m even ok.

I haven’t heard anything from her since ( this is about a month ago) and now I don’t know what to do. It feels really awkward but I’m not willing to be walked over the top of. AIBU to feel so hurt?

OP posts:
HoneyBunny999 · 12/06/2026 08:27

@Feralbookworm oh dear! I mean I'm not usually one to bear a grudge but the dress was £72,a lot of money for my poor mum back then. I'd be inclined to swerve the entire event.....as others have said,she's no friend x

pambeesleyhalpert · 12/06/2026 08:25

She’s a terrible friend. Terrible. Do not feel bad you’ve done nothing wrong

Tillow4ever · 12/06/2026 08:24

She’s no friend at all of this is her attitude! I didn’t have an expensive hen do, just a night out in my home town (I didn’t even want a hen do, I was forced to have it), but if I did, I would be grateful anyone wanted to go along and certainly not pissed off with anyone that didn’t want to go, let alone couldn’t for any reason.

It’s massively selfish of her to be treating you this way. To try to guilt trip you by saying she wants you there for her big day when she’s only talking about one of her two hen dos, is out of line. She should be grateful you are going to the home hen do, and that you’ve agreed to be party of her wedding party!

Stand your ground. She’s being a bridezilla. If she falls out with you over this, she was never your friend in the first place and she’ll save you the cost of the hen do and a gift for the wedding lol!

I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough year. I hope you and your mum are ok.

DancingFerret · 12/06/2026 08:24

Your friend is not a close friend or indeed a friend at all. I would be bailing out of the wedding and the friendship. As the saying goes, with friends like her you don't need enemies.

There are nicer people out there - bail out. You have no reason to feel awful; this "friend" is selfish and has caused you nothing but angst.

EscapeTheCastle · 12/06/2026 08:23

I'm really shocked about how awful this friend has been to you. Of course you can't go. Her response is just terrible. No wonder you are hurt and confused. I feel the same just reading your post.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 12/06/2026 08:22

HoneyBunny999 · 12/06/2026 08:21

No wedding should put any guest out of pocket, her behaviour is atrocious. I'm still livid my mum had to buy my dress when I was a bridesmaid for a relative in 1991.

This is another thing I was worried about. The dresses look expensive and there was already expectations about nails, makeup, hair….no mention of who was paying!

OP posts:
PollyBell · 12/06/2026 08:22

Feralbookworm · 12/06/2026 08:20

Thank you!! This just seems to be becoming more and more of an issue. My cousin told me of her friend who has an absolute hissy fit that her BM couldn’t go to her away hen even tho she just gave birth 4 weeks prior. I think it’s all gone a bit mad, what’s wrong with going out for a night or away for one or 2 nights somewhere cheap and cheerful. 😮‍💨

Edited

100% agree with you

HoneyBunny999 · 12/06/2026 08:21

No wedding should put any guest out of pocket, her behaviour is atrocious. I'm still livid my mum had to buy my dress when I was a bridesmaid for a relative in 1991.

Original poster
Feralbookworm · 12/06/2026 08:20

Thank you!! This just seems to be becoming more and more of an issue. My cousin told me of her friend who has an absolute hissy fit that her BM couldn’t go to her away hen even tho she just gave birth 4 weeks prior. I think it’s all gone a bit mad, what’s wrong with going out for a night or away for one or 2 nights somewhere cheap and cheerful. 😮‍💨

OP posts:
Followthesunshine · 12/06/2026 08:20

When she said she was disappointed in you you should have said you were disappointed in her for being selfish enough to expect you to spend more than £1000 on a hen do. I had a lovely night out with friends, there is no need for friends having to take annual leave and spend huge amounts of money on a hen do

Daffydoll · 12/06/2026 08:18

Absolutely ridiculous to expect people to pay for this particularly when she knows your circumstances.
No support for you at all. I would be rethinking whether I wanted a “friend” like her.
Hope things get better for you and your mum x

PollyBell · 12/06/2026 08:17

I could be a billionaire i would still mot do this and no real friend would expect it