Hen party problems

These destination hen do’s and the entitlement around expecting everyone to attend is ridiculous! By all means have one and go with the people who can afford to attend but stop getting stroppy with people who can’t attend for whatever reason! Being a bridesmaid is already expensive unless the bride and groom pay for the dresses and hair and make up!

I would be much less apologetic than this tbh.

I'd leave off the last sentence and say "As you know it's been a chaotic year for me."

Because if she's that good a friend she knows all about your troubles and is just being a selfish cow, right?

I'm honestly gobsmacked at anyone who thinks it's ok to ask their friends to spend over £1000 for a hen do. Frankly, I'm surprised anyone has agreed to it!

You've done nothing wrong and if your friend has the hump with you about this, she's obviously not a good friend. I'd be very tempted to withdraw from being a bridesmaid for someone who thinks it's ok to treat you like this and also shows no empathy for your troubles. I hope your mum is making a full recovery 💐

I’m pretty comfortable financially and have no child care problems and there are absolutely no circumstances in which I would spend £1000 on a Hen party.

It’s not a reasonable ask regardless of your circumstances.

You really need to get in touch with your friend, get together for a coffee and have a really honest conversation about how much she expects her wedding to cost you. If it’s more than you can afford then politely express your regrets and bow out.

It sounds like you have had a dreadful year, you need to prioritise your own and your family’s well-being and not give yourself unnecessary stress.

This woman is not your friend. What an unreasonable, inconsiderate, selfish arse.

Oh she’s an awful friend. I think it’s time to withdraw from being a bridesmaid as this attitude from her is probably a sign of things to come. You haven’t heard from her because she’s sulking and hopes that will influence you changing your mind.

Good on you for standing your ground as you read on here so many women allow themselves to be bulldozed into these ridiculous hens costing £££ plus any other things like annual leave, children etc. And your mum has been ill with a brain tumour and she still behaves like this! Please see this ‘friend’ for who she is - not one most of us would want.

YANBU.

I’ve said no to a hen later this year - attending the wedding is already costing over £700 and that’s in the U.K.. The hen was going to be another £500 and another day of my, frankly, precious annual leave.

Some people really do lose all sense of perspective when it comes to wedding.

Of course YANBU.

She’s not a true friend. The cost of hen do’s are insane recently

stick to your guns. It’s a lot of money. You can’t afford it. You have no childcare. You can’t afford to take your kids away so won’t be spending money for just you

if she doesn’t understand this then she’s selfish

if she had any sense she will have a local cheap one
few drinks in a bar
meal
spa day

I had afternoon tea for my second wedding cost 25/50 I think depending if tea. One glass of bubbly or bottomless

first hen almost 20yrs ago did a weekend in Bournemouth with 5 close friends. Think it was around £150 tho obv years Ago

@Feralbookworm I also agree that you should decline being a bridesmaid, and this ^^ message is a good one to send.

I'd be saying "find another bridesmaid" and walk away quite happily. This is not a friend.

I'm fed up with all these ridiculous hen nights I hear about so often and read about on here. I've known one or two guys have a golfing weekend abroad but generally men don't pull this shit on their friends with stag dos.

Hi Jenny,

I was truly honoured when you asked me to be your bridesmaid, but after a lot of thought, I don't feel I can commit to the emotional, time, and financial responsibilities that the role deserves.

It's been quite a chaotic year for me, and I don't want to let you down or take on something I can't give my full attention to. I hope you can find someone else who can fully support you in the way you need.

I would still absolutely love to celebrate with you as a guest, if you're not too upset by this change of plan.

Thank you for understanding, and I'm so sorry to disappoint you - happy to fill you in on what a difficult time I have been having.

Love,
Debs

You could always withdraw from being a bridesmaid. Say you can’t commit financially and time wise. She doesn’t sound much of a friend to be honest.

I think it may have been better to focus on the money rather than your mum and the kids. As much as these are key issues. A simple I would love to come but I don’t have 1k, I’m really sorry, would likely have made this better.

she is likely hearing a lot of excuses in her mind. Mum. Kids, etc where as keeping it simple and saying I don’t have this kind of money and would have come if I did, would likely have avoided all this drama. As the money has become a side bar in the many issues raised.

I am very sorry about your Mum and the tough time you’ve been having.

A true friend wouldn’t be insisting on this, demanding attendance etc - £1000+ for a hen do - it’s bonkers

a true friend would be there for you, listening, supporting and helping you in anyway they could

I would decline bridesmaid role and attendance at wedding - you don’t need her in your life

💐hope things improve for you soon

It’s all getting out of hand, it used to be dinner in a local restaurant and off to a nightclub, or something like the races, or a hobby type activity followed by a pub trip, now it’s all about oneupmanship on instagram. My friends thankfully haven’t bought into this - for my wedding 18 months ago (second admittedly) we booked a table in a local cheap bar/restaurant and bought everyone a drink the night before the wedding, they could buy food if they wished, everyone welcome including dc. For my dsds wedding she wants to go to a spa so her mum and I are coordinating it with a few close friends and female relatives, under £70 each unless they book expensive treatments, the relatives on DDs side stay with us, the ones on her mums side with her so no cost other than petrol

Money aside, your reasons are absolutely valid for not going. You haven’t hindered her plans and you’re still attending the wedding, whats her issue!

“I think it’s all gone a bit mad”
OP, it absolutely has. My DD has had to go on two very expensive hens - one she was a best friend of the bride; the other her DH is best friend and best man for the groom - and it’s madness. One was abroad; the other was a three day weekend in the UK in a very expensive location. Nobody wants to spend four days at a hen do. It seems to have got completely out of hand, and your friend is being v unreasonable - and it seems that brides also expect to be paid for by the rest of the hens, which makes it really cheeky choosing somewhere very expensive. Expecting anyone to spend £1000 on a hen do is unreasonable, but when you are berating a single mother of two small children, it’s off the scale. You are not being at all unreasonable, OP - bridezilla seems to have taken leave of her senses.

the bride and groom should cover any costs where they are choosing the item so usually dress , shoes, flowers. Hair/ nails as long as they are happy for you to manage this yourself then you do it to your budget.
but I would question how good a friend this woman is.

Decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid.
This is a bridezilla who doesn't give a monkey's about you.

I’d be telling her to Foxtrot Oscar.

Offer to step down as bridesmaid then gradually fade out of her life / the wedding. She’s not a friend you need in your life.