Hen party problems

Just to add that the result of ending the friendship was my life got a bit easier, it was a bit of weight of my shoulders and I felt happier, so it was definitely the right thing to let it go.

She doesn't sound like a good friend tbh. You should have a bit of a think about wether this friendship is working for you anymore.
I had a situation a few years ago with someone I'd considered a close friend, we'd been mates since childhood. In the latter part of our friendship she would always be a bit mardy that I didn't see her more often, or didn't ring often enough, or some other reason. I felt like I was just never good enough and almost appeasing her all the time. There was no consideration for any of the stuff that I was dealing with, which was considerable, she wasn't interested in supporting me. I just woke up to it after particularly bad behaviour on her part and had a real good think about the pros and cons of the friendship and how it was so unequal. I realised she made me feel terrible must of the time, it was no longer fun and she showed no care for me, so I stopped calling and visiting, and as she never made any effort with me that was the end of the friendship.
I think if she had got in touch I would've told her how I was feeling, but she didn't.

OP, what is the history of your friendship? It seems odd that she has all these other friends to party with but you are her BM.

Sorry this is longggggg.

I once got a save the date and was invited to my friend's wedding. So a proper invitation.

Her and her friends were pretty well off and I wasn't. I think they lived in another world to me. The head bridesmaid set out the itinerary of what it cost for the hen do, like a whole weekend away with people who I didn't know and it was very expensive. They sent it just after Christmas as well when a lot of people or I was skint.

My partner had got himself into a bit of debt at the time and I was paying for other things so he could pay off as much as possible.

I'm also ND which I didn't know at the time. This is also relevant because I would have been extremely uncomfortable masking for days in front of people I barely knew.

I wanted to wait until I saw her which was about 3 weeks later to tell her I couldn't attend as I couldn't afford it and I was very sorry. I offered to take her out for an afternoon tea for another mini hen do and I'd treat her.

You should have seen her face. She was angry with me for leaving it for a few weeks (3) and not telling the bridesmaid first instead of her. I mean I could have been at fault there, committing a social faux pas but I thought it'd be better to tell it to her face rather than just excuses over a message.

But she was saying now it will cost everyone else more? But what could I do, I was skint!

She's always been a diva and done some really strange things in the time we were friends but it really put me off that she wasn't more understanding.
Even at that year's Christmas, I didn't even know we were doing gifts, she told me had got me something like the day before and I had no money so I had to use someone else's gift I had bought for her as she only let me know she'd got me something at the last min! She insisted we opened them at the dinner table and pulled a face when she saw what I'd got. 🤯

She said she'd gone to effort to find me a personal gift and that was all I'd got her. I should have dumped as her friend there and then. She'd got me this indian hand crafted tea light thing but it was hideous and in a really weird shape. I couldn't even make out what it was at first. But again I was skint and didn't know we were doing presents. Surely that's not just me being nd and not being socially on cues! She was really put out and I felt so awful afterwards. 😥

Anyway after a month or so when I told her I couldn't afford the hen do, I got unceremoniously uninvited from the day do! Which the venue is like 2 1/2 hours drive, 3 odd by train, away from me and we'd already paid for our hotel and train tickets. Said they'd overinvited people and didn't expect everyone to accept like wtf total excuse. Said they needed space for extra family members. I was now relegated to the evening do so I was travelling all this way by train just to attend the evening do!

Absolutely fuck that shit.
She had pulled some absolute stunts over the years but that was the absolute piss take.

I ended our friendship, after some time thinking on it and declined going to the wedding. Maybe some would think I'd overreacted but she was just a dramatic and selfish and spoilt little rich girl. She was like I knew you'd think it was about the wedding invite, well duh what else am I supposed to think. I would have let it drift but I had to let her know I was not going.

As we were skint, me and my partner still went on our little few day holiday. Never ran into them thankfully and had a great time. We wouldn't have gotten our money back if we hadn't have gone.

@Feralbookworm your ‘friend’ is treating you appallingly.

If I were you I’d be finding a bit of anger to be honest. If she doesn’t understand that an abroad hen do is not affordable to everyone and she is not empathetic to you and what you’ve been going through then she needs telling. And if she doesn’t apologise I’d be dropping her as a friend. I certainly would have no guilty feelings about this.

You’ve got enough going on to be worrying about this bridezilla

OP, I wouldn’t consider this person a great friend if she is so oblivious to your current state of affairs that she’s throwing a strop. Ask her if she still wants you to be her BM or if she would prefer someone who can attend the hen do instead. I would be relieved if she chose someone else!

DS was invited to an overseas stag do. It was sold as being cheaper than having a weekend in the UK. Air fare was cheap, accommodation relatively reasonable but the activities, which were only revealed 2 weeks before the stag, were astronomical. £300 each to sit in a tank, because the stag always wanted to drive a tank! DS declined. Drinks were cheap but the food wasn’t and the bills were split. By the time he added it all up 2 nights had cost nearly £1000! The wedding was also abroad and was a 3 day event with a dress code. Another £600, only because food and drink were covered and DS already had a dinner suit.

She's not your friend.

I've been invited to some expensive hen dos and weddings. I went to a few, declined others. No drama whatsoever.

If she wanted you at her hen she should have planned one that worked around kids

She's not a friend.

Oh OP, pull out of the role of bridesmaid and save yourself the angst. Her reaction was horrible and so selfish. I would die of shame if my reaction was that to a similar situation. I think you put more store on this friendship than she does.

This woman is not a real friend. I'm sorry. This is dreadful behaviour.

Take out the second paragraph and alter the last one.

Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. Ive heard of friendships ending after weddings and I wouldnt be surprised if it happened here. She resents you for not going to the hen do and you (rightly) are hurt by her total lack of care and consideration.

A month without contact is a long time. Are you going to reach out to her or wait for her to contact you? This needs to be resolved before the wedding. Otherwise its going to be very uncomfortable for you.

She sounds awful OP - YANBU!

Your friend is a shit friend.

i don’t get these away hens, have a night out local to where you live , handy for everyone and not that expensive.

i hate people being out of pocket for me.

Good way to weed out a crap friend I’d say!

I'm not surprised she only has one bridesmaid

I really don't understand this 'fad' for expensive hen holidays
I can think of a million more things to spend a grand on than a hen do!
Then there's the expense of the wedding itself.......
And brides getting stroppy when people refuse to go.....
🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

What the hell is it with people behaving like this over hen dos? Stick to your guns.

Another thing that gets my back up! We had my cousin and her daughters as BM’s and I knew she couldn’t afford 3 dresses so before we even asked them we added the cost of their dresses into our wedding budget as well as hair & makeup! The
only thing they bought were their shoes, jewellery and pashminas for the evening do! They also chose their dress style! I can’t stand looking at photos of bridesmaids obviously uncomfortable being squashed into a dress that clearly doesn’t suit their body shape, we paid for alterations which ended up quite costly as the youngest wanted an adult dress like her sister rather than a teen dress so we needed extensive alterations to make it fit however I’d have moved heaven & earth to make sure that were as happy and comfortable on the day as I was as they’re also in the spotlight of the day!
We also asked the male members of the wedding party to just wear a blue suit that they already had! Except my brother who we bought a suit for as his was more grey! I’m ashamed to say it was my bridezilla moment!!

FWIW brides should pay all costs for wedding for BM - so dress shoes hair makeup etc

OP, your friend is not a friend! I cannot tell you how annoying I find this whole hen do madness- when I got married a few years ago we went out for one night in Manchester - it cost a total of maybe £50 per person and we had the best time. This whole thing about an "abroad hen do" and a "UK hen do" is so self indulgent it's awful.

She’s not a friend and I’d pull out of being BM

I think you are right to be concerned about the costs of being a BM to this self absorbed creature. No doubt she will be expecting you to pay for numerous items that could cost a fortune.

I think some version of the message above would be the best option for you and most likely you’ll feel incredibly relieved to withdraw.

I hope life becomes easier for you very soon.