Hen party problems

Hi op these posts are happening daily if I was you I would be grateful she is ignoring you. Op her true colours are there to see. She’s no friend she just wants people to be around her for attention any decent friends would be oh no it’s fine I wouldn’t expect you to come but no there saying hey I’m bridezilla and you all have to do what I say fuck that just leave her to her tantrums she’s not concerned about you.

OP she sounds like a self-absorbed bell end. A real friend would not have reacted that way. The reason you gave for not attending was entirely reasonable

That really isn't a friend.
She is selfish and really pretty awful.
Ask about the costs and if everything isn't covered withdraw.

Truthfully OP, this is not a friendship that is going to go the distance, so pull back before it costs you.

Don't get into debt with two children over someone so selfish.

My advice would be to withdraw now from the whole thing.

I'm so sorry.
I hope your mum continues to recover.

Sounds like my ex friend hence why she’s an ex 🤪

Your friend sounds terrible and she is treating you appalling. The world does not revolve around her. Your friend is having another hen party anyway. I personally think Hen Parties have become too hyped and to go away for a few days is OTP. I am sorry you have had a bad year and I hope things get better for you and a bonus would be finding a nicer friend x

Well I think you had better ask the question before you get lumbered with paying for all the BM shit.

Personally I'd recuse myself from BM duties altogether (or hope she was so pissed off with me about the hen she sacked me off from BM duty!)

The expectations some people have of their hen parties is becoming out of control and unrealistic. We all know it’s just to give them the opportunity to post it all over social media.

I pulled out of a friends abroad hen do, she told me she no longer wanted me to be bridesmaid as a result. I said I wished her all the best and we never spoke again, that was 7yrs ago. No regrets. She was never a good friend.

Unfortunately some friendships just run their course. Need to make way for new friends.

She’s a complete selfish knob.

That's just silly.

Please do not feel bad in the slightest!
I hate the more recent 'huge' stag and hen dos.

For mine, I went out pottery painting and for afternoon tea (so my older relatives were happy too) then the rest of us went dancing. One night in my home city. It was great.

I also paid for the bridesmaids dresses and their hair to be done in a specific style. However, they just had to pay if they wanted their make up professionally done or they could just do it themselves. I was aware my bridesmaids had kids/ busy lives/ not a lot of money and what mattered was having them there, not how big the weekend was!

I don't think she's being a very good friend at the moment. Your Mum, life and friendship is more important than a ridiculously expensive hen do. I really hope she sees that soon.

A decent friend would either

1. not request such a big ask of people in the first place
2. upon realising her original idea wasn’t manageable for multiple attendees due to cost or logistics, have changed the plan
3. be totally open in advance to the idea multiple people may not attend the abroad hen, not give them a hard time, and just be happy they’d be at the uk one instead or the wedding itself

However I do admittedly have quite strong negative feelings towards modern weddings having gone mad. You so often see the response of “well it’s costing the bride and groom enough per head to have you at the wedding!” As if after spending hundreds or thousands of pounds on a hen/stag where you get no say in where you go and what you do, childcare, leave from work, an outfit, travel and sometimes accommodation for the day itself you should be beside yourself with gratitude that they’ve been gracious enough to provide a dinner you also didn’t choose whilst spending 8+ hours at their day and not leaving you to starve.

Not to mention when being asked to be a bridesmaid or MOH you are so often expected to pay for a dress and shoes you didn’t choose, nails, hair and makeup.

I don’t know why weddings seem to be used as an excuse for people (brides) to be the most selfish, self-centred people on earth. I don’t believe in the concept that brides need ‘support’ for a choice they’ve made in their own lives (one that is supposedly happy at that). You get less attention for getting a dream job or having a baby. Getting married isn’t an achievement, hardship or something that has been earned- it’s just nice for the couple and wider family, it’s just something nice to celebrate, it doesn’t warrant all the fawning and expense for everyone else. Weddings and the extras around it have just been fed by consumerism and profit, they’ve become blown out of proportion and it’s resulted in many people acting awfully as a result.

Luckily, my own friend (I’m a bridesmaid for) has been very considerate of my personal situation, and she considered all of her friends when deciding on her hen do plans. A friend should not use a wedding as an excuse to put herself and her needs above everyone else. It’s ok-ish to plan an expensive hen do, if that’s what you really want, but you must accept that not all your loved ones will be able to accompany you.

It’s perfectly fine to organise expensive “away” hen events, but everybody should accept that not everybody can attend for various reasons! Nobody should put pressure on or make anyone feel bad if they cannot go. That’s ridiculous. Nobody real friend would do this. With the cost of living crisis etc, I’m sure they’ll be people who cannot afford a cheaper “home” hen event.

No wonder you feel very hurt that she’s not even asked how you are doing and how your mum is. She sounds very self-centred and as I’ve said not a good friend.

Do you think you might have to pay for a bridesmaid dress, make-up or hair etc? You need to check. If she’s wanting you to pay, I would be dropping out of this role. That may result in your invitation being rescinded, but with a “friend” like that, it sounds as if it would be no loss.

If you feel you don’t want to lose her friendship, then you could try to talk about it. It’s probably going to eat away at you otherwise. Say you’re upset she hasn’t asked after you or your mum, and say you’re aware she will be busy and stressed as planning a wedding can be all consuming. See what she says… However this could totally back fire if you don’t get the response you’d like (which sounds likely).

Something about weddings turns even sensible women into selfish snakes.
That's way too much money. I have a DP and no kids and we both earn (albeit in arts/humanities so not exactly ££££) and we'd baulk at that for a hen or stag do. It would be a choice between that and our one holiday a year together.

That's insane, I read halfway through and was thinking no no no no. I wouldn't pay that for anyone's hen party, that includes me. That's craziness. One night away in another city in the UK is enough expense for most people surely. That's completely unreasonable. She knows your circumstances so shame on her. What the hell is wrong with people that they need to spend so much money and lavish so much attention on getting married. It's supposed to be a fun night out with friends.

No no and no again.

Drop out of the wedding because the costs will just keep increasing and she clearly does not care about your circumstances.

She’s not a good friend. I’d clarify now about the dress / shoes / hair situation.
Will your Mum be ok to have your kids for the wedding ?

The recommended reply up thread is unnecessarily long winded.

Hi Jenny
As i haven't heard from you in a while I thought I would reach out to let you know that I can't be bridesmaid at your wedding as there has been a change in my circumstances.
I hope to still celebrate with you at your wedding and look forward to your reply.

How often do you normally chat? I take it not messaging for over a month is unusual?

Your friend has turned into Bridezilla. If a hen party is anything more than a night out in the UK then you have to expect a lot of people to say no!

Your friend owes you an apology. She was very rude and self entitled. If she that badly wanted you there then she could pay for you!

And as for the bridesmaid dress - the bride pays. Makeup? Bride pays. Hair up? Bride pays.

A bridesmaid usually buys their own shoes and given a colour.

Four nights??!! God apart from the massive cost, the sheer logistics of having your kids minded, got to school etc just makes my head hurt.

It’s funny when people invite you to a trip like this and encourage you by saying ‘relax’ ‘have a night off from the kids’ ‘let your hair down’ … little knowing about the weeks of prep, angling for annual leave, negotiation with partner , persuasion of relatives, re-planning when people change their minds about helping out, planning of groceries and school book day costumes, dentist trips…. And of course you’re ’just on the end of the phone’ should anyone have (10000) questions about the cats favorite flavor ,or whether the kids just have a cold or is it meningitis.

Exhausted by the time you arrive ! But hey relaaaax!!

let this friend slide out of your life. What’s the loss? Do you really want to stand around making conversation all day at her wedding, wearing some dress you prob will end up paying for yourself?

I'd tell her to fuck off altogether. The silly cow. Nobody gives a shit about weddings other than the bride and the bride's mum. Even the husband isn't that bothered.

Refreshing to read!

I’d drop out of being a bridesmaid and reconsider the friendship too in those circumstances.

she sounds absolutely crazy. I hate how demanding people become with hen dos and weddings it really does bring out the worst in people!

I went away for my hen do. 4 days and not a long flight. I checked with my BMs who wanted to come and I said I was covering all the costs. In return the girls planned all the itinerary as a suprise (again paid for by me) and it was lovely. We did an all inclusive resort and there was 4 of us in total including me. I also paid for all their dresses/shoes/hair makeup etc as I didn’t expect them to fork out for MY wedding.

they put a little piggy bank together and really went above and beyond to get me little treats and gifts and were super helpful on the wedding day too.

we’re going to a wedding in a week and the bride and groom have paid for all of the family’s accommodation if they have children and they have booked onsite accommodation. This I am so grateful for too.