Hen party problems

I know this is quite an old post now, but I just have to say that it is ridiculous simply to mention the money and feel you shouldn’t say about what’s been going on in your life (as the other poster suggested). You’ve had a terrible time. You’ve dealt with so much. Of course it’ll impact your ability to attend the hen do (in addition to the money). Some people are lacking in empathy. I hope you’ve resolved it in a way that feels least stressful to you.

Perfect! Absolutely this!

wishingonastar101 ·
I think that is a perfect response.

Agree with other PPs. Take the costs out of it for a moment… you are a single parent who has been through an awful time and still has a lot on her plate. Anyone who punishes you for going through various difficulties is not someone you should be worried about losing.

Home hen party as well? Honestly…

Please don’t feel bad about this . This is on your friend not you . I appreciate that people can get carried away and caught up in their own wedding plans . Sone people can also be thoughtless / ignorant about finances and not think twice about those that are budgeting .

I am sorry that you have had such a hard year with your mum and your ex . Your kids and your family have to be your priority .

I think if you were in a strong financial position it might be easy to say , I will put this on a credit card and pay it off over some months . But you are not in that position and face financial uncertainty and potentially thousands in legal fees .

I think your friend is being incredibly self absorbed not to ask after you and your family when you told her why you couldn’t go . That should have been a wake up call for her to realise that whilst she was disappointed that you couldn’t go , she was fully accepting of your reasons for it .

The friend is extremely immature. But the fact that hardly anyone is willing to go to the do should be a wake-up call for her. I think someone telling her how ridiculous and selfish she is being would be doing her a big favour. She obviously has been brainwashed into thinking this is what you are supposed to do to have "fun".

Honestly, the entitlement of this Instagram generation who believe that their wedding is a priority for everyone in their social circle is spectacular. I can’t believe they are this selfish in real life, so what the fuck happens once they get engaged?

Having said that, my (former) best friend was livid that our other friend was getting married a few months after her, because “this is MY wedding year”. She was a self-absorbed, self-important nob most of the time, though.

I hate this new hen and stag performance of who can have the most OTT and expensive , nothing good comes of it

Another vote that this is bridezilla max. I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time. However if this is a long standing friend, only you know if worth trying to retain a friendship. I agree with those saying that whilst she knew about family issues you’d probably agreed to be bridesmaid despite those, so she may not realise the money was the final straw. I’d simply message being really honest and say you’re so sorry she’s disappointed, but the £1k and ongoing costs simply impossible for you to step up to that, but that if she wants you to withdraw from being a bridesmaid, though you’d be really disappointed, you’d understand.

Outrageously selfish behaviour on the bride’s part. I never understand this drama over hen dos. It’s supposed to be fun!

If you can’t afford a family holiday, no friend should expect this kind of financial sacrifice.

@Feralbookworm

Your friend is NOT a friend! I’d message her again & tell her she can find another bridesmaid seeing as you’re appparently such a disappointment to her! Cheeky cow! I’d have to turn it around & tell her that actually you’re very disappointed in her too! That would be the nail in the coffin of the friendship for me. I’d not go to the wedding & not feel at all guilty about anything!!

I agree. It's very telling that the abroad hen do has very low numbers.

Suspect bridezilla will lose a few
frienfs over this wedding

just decline. The end

No need to overthink this

You are dead right about these so called Hen Nights becoming out of control and all about the oneupmanship.

Now it seems to be all about showing off. Very fake and a bit sad really. As you say. It used to be confined to a meal and a good night out. Why and when did this change?

As.for the OP. Don't be upset in the slightest by this friend. She seems very entitled and extremely self centred

Don't have her in your life. She does not deserve you.

Best Wishes to you and your family.
X

What has happened to hen dos over the last 20 years? When I got married I had an optional afternoon at a spa and then dinner at a nice but not wildly expensive London restaurant. Some of my friends were students, saving up for their own weddings etc and I was paranoid about not making people feel obliged to spend. I paid for my bridesmaids’ dresses, hair and makeup too.

There is a type of woman who thinks they are the centre of the universe in the lead up to a wedding.
The ridiculous, overblown hen party is another way of them trying to get as much attention as possible.
I wouldn’t be friends with that sort of person, but in your case I would stop trying to pussyfoot around her, or entertain her low class rudeness.
Like fuck should she expect people to pay thousands for a hen party.
Don’t give this any further thought. You’ve made the right decision not to go. Stay firm.

Ok hit wrong answer (I’m probably that 1% 🤦‍♀️). It’s ridiculous expecting anyone to spend £1000 on a hen do, and if that’s the plan be very very mindful about others’ circumstances and be understanding if they can’t make it.

No it isn't. It's not just about the money or the annual leave or the childcare. It's having the awareness to realise that most women over the age of 30 just won't be arsed spending days on end having forced fun with a load of randoms they'll never see again. I did it years ago, absolutely HATED it and that was in my 20s!

OP , the only animosity here is coming from the 'friend' who is not getting her own way. Don't feel bad, it's a big expense for anyone never mind a single mum. I think you really need to consider your role as a BM though. There will be other costs involved that you will probably be expected to cover - hair & make up (maybe even practice hair), dress possibly, hotel room etc. This happened to me with my friend. I had just split up with my husband, I was skint but I had to pay for all of the above, minus my dress..

Your ‘friend’ has behaved appallingly. Self absorbed diva!
I think this would probably the end of the friendship for me 🤷‍♀️, definitely not my kind of friend. I think you will probably just be kicking the can down the road with this if you continue. She should be apologising to you now OP if she wants to save the friendship but…time will tell. I would’ve mentally checked out of her wedding - no way would I still be bridesmaid if she continues like this. 🤗

I think you need to follow up and ask her to set out exactly what she expects you to pay for. Just so you're aware, getting your hair up and make-up done will be over £100 easily. Obviously she should be covering the cost but she doesn't sound like the type who will..

Honestly op, she must know your situation, a newly single mum, and that you’re not in the position to afford it. She must be tone deaf or incredibly stupid.

So sorry OP I accidentally clicked YABU and apparently you can’t change it… so ignore that 1% that’s me!!
I honestly don’t get the hype with the crazy expensive hen dos, who realistically has 1000 to spend on a weekend away?! It’s nuts!!!
Long gone are the nights out and spending time in the day doing something local with those you love, as that’s the whole idea of it…. I totally sympathise with you… tbh it’s a them problem not a you problem , they need to get over themselves and realise there is more important stuff going on for other people!!