If you send your child to private school…

We did state until the end of yr5 in an “outstanding” primary by which point we had an overwhelmed, withdrawn, borderline school refuser. 12 months later we have a happy, thriving child that loves school and can’t wait to tackle secondary.
Part of me begrudges every penny because the environment and education are the same as I received from the state 30 years ago but I have enough friends who are teachers in the state system (and desperately trying to leave!) to know that it’s rarer than hen’s teeth in the state sector these days. Our local secondaries are failing, grammar options are a 90 minute bus ride (minimum). We really feel like we had no other choice apart from DH quitting his job to homeschool, we know 3 families of SEN children where one parent has done that because it’s cheaper than private schooling.

A lot of them aren’t retired. I’m in my 40’s. My kids have 4 grandparents between 70-85. All still drawing an income from their own businesses. Haven’t touched their pensions. The ones in their 70’s still work 30-40 hours a week through choice. The 85 year old is down to 2 hours a day.

Worth every penny for my children so far. One to one specialist support for issues. The schools have found their “thing” nurtured and encouraged it which has developed their confidence immeasurably

Twenty years on and we know it was a total waste of money for us. A crystal ball would have been very useful.

Private school wouldn't have been worth it for us - my DC have thrived academically and socially at state school.

I know it’s not, I’ve acknowledged that multiple times. We’re still a normal family, and we still work.

Yes.
Also there is this assumption that there is somehow choice to find another secondary if the one your dc goes to isn’t safe or good enough.
Thats not always the case..

Where we live, most schools are oversubscribed. Apart the one my dcs were going to, walking distance so the ‘natural’ choice for them.
I looked. The only ‘choice’ was to wait until A levels for them to then go to the town next door (25mins drive).

I think the culture inside the school is important.
dc1 learnt aThis state school that working and learning was BAAAD. The thing that would make you being bullied. Laughed at. Any as
iratiin to go to a good uni rather than the local one was a reason to be mocked. There is this whole above your station stuff,
It took him years to unlearn that and it’s only arriving at Uni that he switched his thinking. Consequence could have been dire tbh,

Well, yes. High income isn’t the norm.

I work in private. I genuinely think my dd would’ve thrived better in private than the state school she went to. Yes, it’s an outstanding state, but I think dd would’ve benefited from the smaller class sizes and having a more focused approach on her education.
We looked at another school ( not mine as it is a boy’s school) and we were keen to progress, but after lockdown it closed. There’s none in the area (senior school) that was girls or even co ed.

With respect, I haven’t once said that I think we’re not privileged. I’ve acknowledged multiple times that we have high salaries and that’s the only reason it’s doable for us.
My point was about the ‘normal working families’ think. We get up, we get our kids breakfasts, we get ready for work, I drop my disabled child at his SEN school miles away, my kids get the bus to school, my husband and I work all day, we come home, pick the kids up, make dinner, do housework, help with homework, care for our disabled kid, often do more work when they’re in bed, spend weekends ferrying to hobbies, caring for my disabled mother, we meal plan, shop in Aldi etc. We don’t have family money, we won’t get inheritances. Does having a high income mean that we are no longer a ‘normal, working family’?

Very worth it. We’ve had a wonderful experience, and have two sporty, confident, polite, well rounded, interesting children who can hold their own talking to anyone. The utter self belief is admirable. Their general knowledge is incredible. They’ve mixed with people all over the world, their emotional intelligence is high because they’ve had small class sizes all their lives, their cultural intelligence is high because they’ve met and mixed with so many inspirational people, and they’ve had opportunities way beyond what a state school can provide.

So yes, worth every penny for me.

@Flamingojune career is really not my main focus. I want my children to come out of school with their physical and mental health intact. Local state options don’t support this. A child who gets broken by school ( and that is a substantial percentage) has no chance of a successful life.

Durham is full of private school people who brag about it constantly. And public school, not just big standard independent schools. She’s obviously fallen in with a sanctimonious crowd who think going to state school makes them better humans. My guess is they went to grammar school which technically is state but is a million miles from your bog standard comprehensive.

Some do, it depends what their job is.

Ah ok! That makes more sense.
We live in a large village, in a generally low income area. There aren’t any choices for state secondary school… there is only one locally that the children have any real chance of getting a place at. I wouldn’t say it’s ‘unsafe’ necessarily, but it has a very strong reputation for bullying and low level violence. I went there, i hated it, and based on the experiences of many children who have attended recently/currently, it’s now worse. The problem with places like this (villages/small towns in low income areas) is that a lot of children are brought up with no real aspirations to leave or to make something of their lives, and I think that has a significant impact on behaviour and attainment. My kids would probably have been fine academically had they have gone there, they’re both very bright. However my eldest would have stuck out like a sore thumb and been a target for bullies. She’s likely ND, an absolute geek, not sporty in any way, not interested in any form of popular culture… honestly I think she’d have been crucified. My middle child would probably have got embroiled in the poor behaviour due to peer pressure and not reached her potential. We looked at moving but as I mentioned thread there were many reasons we had to park the idea. Honestly I’d far rather they went to a good state school were I thought they’d thrive, and in turn I could have a bigger house, a snazzy car and some luxury holidays! But we had to make our choice.

I guess you'll really find out by how their careers go

But those are all luxuries. You’re not going without anything essential to pay for it.

I just wish people would recognise that being able to pay for private education is a luxury that so many people could only dream of.

Absolutely worth every penny.
Oldest is neurodivergent, we tried State Primary. They promptly forgot my non-swimming 4 year old in the swimming pool building…..apparently that wasn’t an issue, I disagree.
Private ever since, nd he’s flying. No way he would be able to cope with massive classes, and our local secondary with a massive behaviour problem ( and outcomes well below national average).
Youngest is a ballet dancer - much better off at private. We had to stop several hobbies outside school because bullying was intense - the worst bullies are the kids for our two local primaries….
it means very few holidays, bike instead of car, and a tiny house. Its worth it - i want children to enjoy learning, not to endure school.

Or luck of the draw

I don’t regret it but I do think it depends on the child and their individual needs. If I could have saved/invested all that money (since reception all the way to year 13) I could be thinking of early retirement!!

But I invested in my DS and he’s worth every penny.

We sent our eldest to the preschool attached to a well regarded local prep, with the intention of sending all three children there for their entire primary education.

Instead, we moved to state school for reception. I couldn’t get past the competitive parenting and flashiness of many parents. I know that doesn’t make them bad people, but I felt that it was exposing the children to an odd bubble of privilege and pressure, and a values system that felt at odds with ours.

We are very pleased we made the move to state, even though the school is pretty average! Our children are thriving.

I recognise that all schools are different and I’m not suggesting that all prep schools are equal! I also acknowledge our privilege in having the option to move back to the private sector if we had real difficulties in the state system.

We sent our kids to private school. My son didn’t get into the FOUR closest state schools and was offered a place across the borough that was inadequate (I think they have a different classification for that now). We could afford private so we chose that instead, and it seemed natural for my second to go there too. It was quite alternative (they didn’t have any computers and there was no board of governors). Then we moved and the state school options were dire so back to a non selective private school. Was it worth it? I think my son might have been a juvenile delinquent if the private school hadn’t kept him to a certain standard! But he was not academic and came out with barely any GCSEs after being predicted 5 and 6s. I am furious about that. Still I think he benefited in many ways. My DD is very academic and the provision during Covid was excellent. They had the same schedule just done remotely (my son had left by then).
However. Both my children (now 22 and 21) think I should have sent them to state. My son because he didn’t think that private school helped him (I disagree), my DD because she is almost embarrassed to admit she went private. None of her friends did, and even though she’s at Durham Uni, which has a relatively high percentage of privately educated students, she says it’s frowned upon. This attitude annoys me as they most certainly did benefit and it rather disregards the sacrifices I made to afford it. My DD seems to conveniently forget that we looked at a state school for sixth form which she rejected.
My kids had left before the VAT ruling - I could not afford it now.
I went to state school and if there was a good one that my kids got into that’s where they would have gone. We were fortunate that we had the funds for private when a state school place was not an option.

Yup we hit that exactly. Prep school was never part of our plan.

Probably my punctuation at fault there in trying to be brief! I meant that of the people in the catchment area who earn at a similar level to me, a very high % of them choose to educate their kids privately. That is an estimate obviously! There are very many more people in the catchment area who cannot afford private education.

Agreed, but I think most of those sending their child there after trying primary or secondary for a few years are going to avoid violence and disruption.

That must be quite an unusual (and wealthy) area if 95% of families privately educate? It’s around 3% in the large village I live in! It’s not an affluent area, hence our very low mortgage.