To think having children makes women miserable?

Like a PP said this is about your parent’s relationship not your mum being there for you. I think the sheer amount of effort it takes to look after a newborn and small child is tremendous and it’s easy to not even notice this or acknowledge as we naturally don’t recall these years. Living them now with my own DC, I definitely changed my judgements on my parents. They deserve a round the world trip for their efforts. They didn’t do it once but three times. They did the best they knew how.

Not miserable no but tired yes it’s a hard job really demanding but one I’d never regret

Busted 🤣

I didn’t say it was. But by and large I believe it is.

It makes me miserable sometimes on a day to day or hour to hour basis, on a relatively superficial level usually. But it makes me deeply content and fulfilled in general and most days are filled with a good amount of joy from things my children said or did, or even just being with them, watching them play or sleep. It really is an extreme of highs and lows. It's not for everyone.

From your description sounds like it’s the crap dad that makes mothers unhappy and not the kids.

Both can make you unhappy. It's the biggest parental taboo. A bloke who is disengaged, even if he 'wanted' children is draining but men walking away is far more socially acceptable. Many women, certainly in the past had fewer options to get out of it, either away from their husband/ partner or kids. Children suck the life out of some most adults. Women tend to be stuck with their decisions, bad men and poor judgment over having children, conscious or otherwise.

Its not having children which makes women miserable. Its having partners who don’t pull their weight and leave the women carrying the burden of looking after the children.

Your father was a selfish dick, but that doesn't mean your mother was/is miserable about being a .

I'm a single parent, love being a mother, full time job etc etc but not having a horrible man in the home, as your mum has, undoubtedly contributed to my happiness.

I suspect your mum is staying with him 'for the sake of the children' so you definately should talk to her about it.

I'm sure she'd much rather be a grandmother than spend her old age with your father.

Having children doesn’t make women miserable, having a lazy husband who doesn’t help out enough and spends all their free time on themselves or their hobbies makes women miserable. Your mum was miserable because your dad was selfish and lazy in regards to parenting and house jobs

i don’t think having children was your mums issue. I think being married to a shitty man child was. More and unhappy marriage than unhappy motherhood

Hang on a minute, everything you’ve said in your OP mentions what a piece of shit your dad is. If your mother is miserable (I don’t blame her) it’s because of the aforementioned piece of shit. Not you and not being a mother to you.

FWIW I’ve been unhappy while being a mother before. But not because of my children, I love them more than anything and I love being their mum. But I’ve learnt the hard way that who you co parent with makes all the difference.

I was unhappy in my relationship OP but never unhappy in having my children.

Ha.

I was 37 when I met DH; I wasn’t a wide eyed teen. He was decent, kind, respectful and considerate. Then … Ds happened and somehow my old life vanished and is still MIA while DHs continues more or less as it ever did!

It is pointless analysing when and how it happened but I don’t think it’s possible at all, certainly not in all cases.

Your dad made your mum miserable, not having children.

Nothing in life is ever guaranteed but I do actually think it’s fairly easy to tell if your partner will be a shit dad or not, before you have kids. I have yet to come across anyone in my life or my friend’s and family member’s lives where is came as a surprise that their partner ended up being a terrible father. The red flags are there for those who wish to see them.

Maybe it’s having useless partners that makes women miserable not having children

Only if you're married to a prick, who sits on his bum all day.

My children have been the biggest blessing in my life.

Having children makes me miserable but im a single parent and I think that’s why. I don’t regret them now they are here but If I had my time again…

I don’t know about you but I also didn’t realise I was being a law onto myself and not letting dad take charge as I didn’t want my DD to feel upset.

Even now if she’s crying for me (at bed time usually) but I need a break, I have to remind myself she’s with her dad and I need a break too.

I think a lot of us Mothers don’t let dads take over enough or take time for ourselves generally as we feel mum guilt and that breeds even more resentment.

I cannot when they are screaming. It goes right through me.

My DD does this thing where she endlessly repeats herself. It really has a nails on a blackboard effect on me.

I had to get tough with myself about this. If I need to do something for myself I do it. When DS was a newborn it was harder, but now he's a toddler he goes in his playpen if I need to get a drink, have a shower, go to the toilet or even just have five minutes to breathe. He might scream, but I refuse to feel guilty. I'd feel much worse if I lost my temper and shouted at him.

Happy with the kids, they’ve been and are an incredibly fulfilling part of my life (although I do think there are other ways of being fulfilled especially if you aren’t super into the idea of kids). It’s the fathers (2 in my case) that are the issue.

I hate this rather modern narrative that having kids is rubbish, oppressive etc.

What’s oppressive or rubbish is usually the man you choose to have them with and how many couples don’t discuss things like careers and finances before embarking on that journey. E.g I’ve said in many threads on this sort of topic that I refused (even before conception) to use my savings to pay for my maternity leave. More women need to tell the bloke to sod off with this rhetoric that we should pay as we’re at home looking after the baby and stalling our careers. These sorts of discussions can help prevent resentment.

It’s always interesting to me that people will delay marriage for years but rush into babies with limited discussion. Yeah sure, he may not follow it afterwards but at least you were upfront.

In October 2023 you wrote;

”Currently looking at weekly boarding schools for DS (currently in Y5). Myself and DH both boarded as teenagers and absolutely loved it. He boarded full time and I did weekly and we've decided that we would like our DC…”

Sounds like your mum is miserable because your dad is an arsehole. I'm a single mum, I'm quite happy with just me and DS and no man around to drag me down. I had DS later in life as I was 35 when he was born, so I had plenty of time to just be me.