To think having children makes women miserable?

I’m not miserable, I’ve got a lovely little life with my two children. I wouldn’t be without them. Yes, sometimes it’s hard and relentless but the good times far outweigh those hard times! I’ve sacrificed my job and earning my own money to be a mum and a SAHP but I’d make the same decision tomorrow.

You're absolutely right! We met when he was 18 and I had just turned 19. He was very mature, kind and sensible, even then. I knew I'd be mad to let him get away.

Sometimes it is.

It’s not the children that make mothers unhappy…

While my DH hasn’t died @Dameputtingonabraveface i can relate to a lot of that.

In our case, chronic pain has largely taken the person he was away. All he thinks about his himself, very bluntly. I get it: he can’t see anything other than in terms of the pain he’s in. It’s the sole topic of conversation and the only thing he really thinks or cares about.

Where that leaves me and our children jury is out. More and more they aren’t bothering with him and come to me. He ignores them; he is irritable with them. It’s very sad

But as you say, it’s difficult to enjoy when there’s no one to enjoy it with.

Agree.

Actual parenting can feel joyless a lot of the time. The mechanics of parenting young children can be pretty soul destroying, repetitive and isolating, however within a functioning relationship or with an extended network to share the joyful aspects of raising amazing little humans this is negated. Not everyone has this, which should not be a suprise to anyone really.

When my DH died DC was still very young, I still loved them to bits, but I was really aware that the fun and absolute shared understanding of the little things that parents/close people understood and laughed about and cherished also died. It is difficult to explain, and it is something you do not realise until it has gone. I still did the same things, was fiercely protective of DC but did not and could not enjoy being their parent in the way I did before. And yes, I hated myself for this. Time is a healer and we have a wonderful relationship now. I am very proud and know as a parent, whilst making mistakes, I did stepped up when our lives changed one Sunday afternoon. We had no control over the outcome and I have made wrong choices at times. For at least two years, it was just survival and whilst my DC has no awareness of this, I hated that I felt no happiness in being their parent. Just numbness.

I work in child protection and the majority of parents I work with have had an horrific upbringing. All love their children and know they want better for them, but have had no positive example of parenting and society judges them. It is incredibly complex and early help has been eradicated due to budget cuts. I am so conscious that lots of parents I work with are being asked to parent in a way they have had no experience of with very little support.

Certain men also use pregnancy as a weapon to keep women dependant. The judgement is always of the woman, not the man. As a society this really need to be discussed and men held accountable.

They are only young; 5 and 3. I keep hoping things will get better but 1 and 3 was awful; 4 and 2 wasn’t much better and I really had hoped things would be easing off by 5 and 3!

That is not your title question!
you are not asking if having children makes women miserable, you are asking if having children with an asshole makes women miserable. And the answer would be: yes!

If you think it sounds miserable, don’t have kids?

I thought I would like it and I do. I’m having a great time. I could do with more sleep but otherwise it’s not miserable at all. They are full of wonder and improved my outloook on life.

How old are they? It's tough when they are young.

Shit men make women miserable. Never my children. Maybe if your mum had left your dad she wouldn't have been miserable. I left my ex and I'm happy with just me and my children now.

I think that it is possible to enjoy being a parent even if you have a crap partner. My husband is amazing but I am childfree as I just don't want children: they are too much hard work and are too restricting to my life. I would imagine that your mother found solace in her relationship with you and your siblings, especially as you grew old enough to relate to her more as an equal.

It’s not having children that makes women miserable. Guarantee there are just as many unhappy women who are single or in childfree relationships.

I firmly feel that some people should really not have children but do. It can be pretty terrible for all concerned when that happens, so it is definitely worth considering whether you really want to do it.

Fwiw, I have been very lucky to have the family I wanted and it has not made me miserable. I won't say I have loved every minute because that isn't realistic. But I am very happy with my life choices

I’m just lucky that we all get along - it’s not something to feel guilty about - it’s pure luck.

I think the problem is that a lot of men are not very nice. If you’ve got a good one I’ll bet you got together relatively early. If you get it wrong, you’re in trouble.

Actually I’m a lone parent and I still feel happy having raised my children mostly alone with limited input from their father.

This makes me feel guilty as I love mine so much but I don’t much enjoy them together and I am already dreading the summer holidays.

From my standpoint, YABU but that’s because I’ve always, always wanted children and mine are the main thing that makes me happy. I suppose I am lucky that I get on well with them and I genuinely enjoy their company.

Having children with the wrong man makes women miserable. I don’t know any woman with kids and a hands on supportive partner that is miserable!

And be stuck on your own with the kids. Yeah just fantastic

Women with shit partners are miserable. Having kids with them makes it much more miserable. I have a great DH and having our children has been the best part of our lives.

Totally agree but that's where my DH at least picked up so much of the housework, that made a huge difference with an EBF clingy baby that never wanted to be put down. I never used a bouncer though and he hated all forms of transport (pram, car seat etc) that wasn't the sling. It did make 3-6 months harder and I had him round the clock. If we had another I'd definitely try things like bouncer, proper travel system with a car seat that I could take out easily - had the Doona and never learned to take mine out, dumb that I am.

Obv if you have two you have to cope with them being left to cry a bit while you sort the other one out and so on anyway don't you!

I worried about this when I was younger, having had a completely crap and awful father. I think you have to really take your time getting to know your partner and see them in many different and challenging situations before getting married - travel yes, but also a loved one being ill, trouble at work. If not moving in together permanently then spending extended time together - we spent six months together during lockdown. How are they financially? Can they cook? Clean? How do they treat you when you've had a bad day, are ill or upset? Do they keep track of who's putting in what effort or do they go above and beyond to make sure you're okay, see housework as everyone's job?

I also think sometimes women may enjoy the novelty of playing house earlier in the relationship and not notice the imbalance. I certainly had that in a previous relationship.

DH now does more cleaning than me, he's the default dinner maker since I had bad morning sickness actually. He is so hardworking and giving with me and all his family and friends. That's another point to pay attention to actually, how do they treat their loved ones especially their mum? He is quite traditional but sees his role of protecting the family as making sure all of us are healthy, happy and okay even to his detriment, eg if he has lots on at work (he has a job and a business).

Also, there's bits of having a baby that feel relentless but it goes so quick and there's so much joy at the same time. I love mine more than anything. We'd love 1-2 more but I'd only consider it because I've seen how well DH handled the first one. I can definitely see how having a child can really show up any existing selfishness in men.

I think many of us accept that it won’t be 50/50, especially if you breastfeed. The problem is that sometimes it can become more like 80/20, with the 20 given begrudgingly and to a poor standard. That’s when resentment creeps in, and it is toxic, I know, but very hard to avoid.