AIBU to feel unable to cope with being seen naked?

So sorry your going through this. Perhaps consider counselling, as it seems there's a lot to work through. If a phobia/aversion, call it what you will, is interfering with medical treatment that's serious.
What's driving the abstinence before mariage too? Your free will? Or guilt?

Well your parents have really done a number on you. What a shame. Sex is fantastic and enjoyable and you need some help unpicking these feelings or you’re really going to struggle when you do get married.

I’m not your age nor your religion, but I do feel a reluctance to expose such private parts of my body. The way I get over it is to think of medical personal as a specific category of people who - frankly - see genitals day in, day out. That goes double for gynaecologists and midwives! So I tell myself that contrary to how I feel, for them it’s really just nothing special at all, it’s just their job. That helps me put it in a less embarrassing category and treat it in quite a business like way.

I'm neither catholic or female, so I may be way off base here, so feel free to utterly disregard what I'm about to say!

But have you talked to your boyfriend about this? And would he be willing to help you? To me, the problem seems to be that you're coupling nudity with sex, and you've been brought up to see sex as shameful unless your married.

I'm not going to get involved in the whole sex before marriage thing, but that seems like it's not necessarily a problem, as you're both fine with waiting anyway.

But the nudity thing can be a problem, because there are situations where you may need someone other than your future husband to see your genitals.

So, can you take baby steps with your boyfriend towards nudity, while still being abstinant? Most of the time me and DP are naked around each other, sex isn't involved in any way shape of form. It's just because one of us has gotten out of the shower, or is getting changed or ready for bed.

So if he's less bothered about nudity than you, ask him to just sit around with no clothes on while you watch TV together. And then if that goes well, you take steps to do the same, start with a swimming costume or something and progress from there.

I came across it in Kate Lister's excellent new book, FLICK: The Story of Female Pleasure. Well worth a read. https://amzn.to/3S0Aizg

I mean this quite kindly but honestly I think you are storing up problems for your future marriage.

The medical side of things has been explained and it's sensitively done and need not being scary.

But your relationship is not going to be a success unless you are totally comfortable with each other. That is what good marriage is. Not having sex before marriage is a bit unusual these days.

Personally I think not doing so is a mistake but regardless of whether you do or don't you and your partner can't do the "in sickness and in health" stuff without being comfortable physically with each other.

How you doing it is up to you but, as an idea, how about spending an evening naked together eating and watching TV. Talking about it first obviously. You need to do something to break this hang up!

@dh280125 Thanks for that, it is absolutely fascinating.

I was born in the 60's in a remote area of rural Ireland and I can really relate to that article.

We didn't get a TV or indoor running water/shower until the mid 70s. Up to that point we probably had one bath a year and that was reused for several children!

On a slightly related note it was probably the early 80s before I ever saw a woman (discreetly) breastfeeding a baby. Obviously it was a tourist because it wasn't something any local women partook in as far as I was aware.

Get some therapy. It's good to talk. In the meantime you might identify with this: https://www.vice.com/en/article/irish-nudity-sex/

Having people witnessing you giving birth is a horrible experience too. The old "when you giving birth, you won't care" is utter bollocks. Some of us DO care.

Yes admittedly each time I have insisted on keeping a black mini skirt on during labour, to help feel more comfortable.I hate being uncovered! Think the midwives thought i would cave and remove it and not care during the last stages but I never did!

I’m 38, have 4 children and had to be sedated to have a colposcopy twice. I cannot cope with it. In fact it was so awful, that the nurse last time thought I’d been sexually assaulted and had trauma from that. I haven’t, I just really really can’t deal with being seen naked (genitals, I understand I’m not fully naked). I also have to have gas and air for a smear test.

What I did learn the second time round is that I was perfectly within my rights to ask for any adjustments that make me comfortable. There was a specialist nurse at my latest smear, who deals with trauma and was just lovely about the whole thing. She initially set me yo
for an appointment to just talk through what was worrying me and what she could do etc and then I went back for the smear on a second appt, but she said I could have as many “chats” as I felt I needed before having it done, there was no judgement or pressure from her.

Have a call with your GP surgery and see if they can offer something similar, it was so
worth it.

You are really not helping.
So what if the OP is probably looking ‘better’ than 90% of bodies ! This attitude only reinforces the idea that some bodies are better than others and that the other 10% SHOULD be embarrassed. We are more than our dress size.

A huge well done for posting Op! You have taken an important step in doing so.
I agree with others that you should seek some counselling for this. You must put your health first and have the procedure done.
I’ve had examinations and procedures after a usual smear test. The staff were really lovely and professional- definitely tell them how you feel and they will help you. Good luck!

I don't think what you are describing is uncommon, especially in some cultures/upbringing. It is however something that could have a negative affect on your life so probably worth doing something about? Perhaps look online, there may be suggestions on how to work through this by yourself, or an appointment with a female gp? Sorry, not much help, but there will be ways to overcome this.

I think you are vastly overestimating how much the rest of us like anyone seeing us naked. I hate going to the obgyn. I am very conscious of it, it's very very personal. But part of maturing is realising that we have to do stuff we don't like. This is your health. Any shame and embarrassment has to come second. You just have to grit your teeth and go.

Intimacy with a partner is probably a harder thing to overcome in your situation, in my view. You should probably get some therapy now as, even though you are postponing things until marriage, it's not a happy way to spend your life.

And don't blame all this on your parents. They did the best they could, nobody is perfect. Your mum was raised that way, she didn't know any better either. At some point, you become an adult and have to take responsibility for yourself. Blaming your mother only goes so far.

I was brought up RC, went to an all girls convent school, Mass every Sunday, etc. Luckily for me my mum wasn't like yours, she taught us (6 kids) about our bodies, how we were different, and how certain parts are private, but never to be ashamed. She was actually quite body positive about the amazing things our bodies do, like having babies.

I'm so sorry that you were given such a negative view of your body. It sounds like you are still faithful since you're practising abstience, is that correct? Can your faith help you with your fears?

You must know that you don't need to feel shame or fear about getting medical help (you wouldn't want someone else to suffer if they were in your situation). All of us get shy or self concious in these situations, that's a normal reaction. You can talk it through with medical staff (i needed a little pep-talk for my first smear so i knew what was going to happen). The doctors will understand, they help people who are nervous all the time. They will be kind and they won't make you feel bad, you can also ask for someone (a friend or another member of staff) to be with you during the procedure.

That excitement and desire that you feel sometimes is good, because you're a good person and there are things in life that we are supposed to enjoy - they are gifts. The shame that invades your feelings belongs to someone else, it's not yours and it's time to hand it back.

I would definitely recommend seeking some therapy input. If you need medical investigation on a shorter timeframe, GPs can also prescribe mild sedatives which can help people tolerate assessments and procedures that otherwise would cause too much distress.

I'm sorry your upbringing has had this impact on you. This shame and embarrassment is not yours to bear.

Oh you really don't understand at all.

The Op isn’t embarrassed, she’s been conditioned into feeling shame by her parents. I really wish people would stop with the “doctors have seen it all before” comments, it’s not about the doctor and what they feel it’s about the person like the OP and how she feels. We all work on the assumption that HCPs are going to be professional and reasonably caring.

I think it’s very normal to feel shy about your naked body in front of strangers.

It definitely gets easier as you get older and are more used to showing your body.

The only reason I don’t care about having smear tests etc is because I’ve had children and I’m used to people seeing down there.

I’ve never had a mammogram though and so I’ll likely be a bit shy about having my boobs felt the first time by a complete stranger.

My only advice is that the doctors have honestly seen it all before.
They really don’t care about your genitals and so any anxiety will all be in your own head.

I’m not sure if you watch porn but many of those women have had surgery and so I hope you’re not comparing your body to theirs.

I can categorically tell you that as such a young women that hasn’t had children, your body will be in much better condition that 90% of the patients that they see.
So you honestly have nothing to be embarrassed about.

I would make an appointment with a female doctor and explain straight away that you have a lot of anxiety.

Please let us know how you get on 💐

Obviously we can all tell you it’ll be fine, there’s nothing to worry about etc. but this sounds deep rooted and potentially problematic for your health (in the short term) and your relationship(in the longer term). Can you afford therapy? If not I would go to the GP and get the ball rolling.

There is a well known term for struggling after being given negative ideas about sex/desire etc due to a religious upbringing, it’s religious trauma. There’s a lot of info online, videos on you tube, books etc.. Might be worth having a look. I think it would really help to get some counselling from someone with experience in this area, to help both with your feelings about your genitals and also sex. If someone has spent a lifetime being told sex is sinful, this doesn’t just dissipate because you get married. Therapy can really help with this. It’s totally possible to be religious and feel ok about sex.

Most women I know hate, many with a passion, to have to go through these kind of medical exams.
I couldn't care less if it's done by a man and a woman, it's not pleasant.

Having people witnessing you giving birth is a horrible experience too. The old "when you giving birth, you won't care" is utter bollocks. Some of us DO care.

So you are not alone or over-reacting, but it's just one of these things you grin and bear and get on with it. It gets marginally easier the more you have.

If you get a bikini wax, your therapist will see everything too, most don't really cover anything even if you only get a bikini trim and not a full hollywood

I know plenty of men with body hangups about various aspects of themselves. They don't tend to be very open about it as a rule since it's more socially 'normal' for women to be insecure.

OP I think you would benefit from some talking therapy about this as its not healthy to avoid medical care. It is likely to make your future sex life within marriage difficult as well which would be a great shame as it can be a great joy in a loving partnership. A good therapist will be able to talk you through these feelings while being respectful of your faith.

Op you understand your mother’s views are nothing about Catholicism and everything to do with her own issues ? It would seem you need therapy to move past and understand her issues and why you should not feel shame for being normal rather than live this way.

please don’t avoid the doctors, you can request a female doctor. And also a chaperone, no one will see you naked, we all have the same body parts they are not shameful.