AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

I think her dad should let her live with him and keep her from you because clearly you’re a safeguarding issue regaurding you and the man you’re with. Seems like you care more about the man you are with more than your child’s safety/concerns…

Your daughter has been telling you you need to choose between her and him for quite a while now, and you consistently refuse to choose her. I don’t think you have any say if Dad has gotten a court order. Unfortunately, your daughter is not willing to live with your partner. She is saying she does not feel safe and she is willing to uproot her entire life to not be exposed to him. That’s a fairly dramatic statement. Kids can be dramatic-and God knows 13-year-olds can be unreasonable. I’ve had them myself so I do know. But you have to decide which one you want in your life because your daughter right right or wrong is saying that it cannot be both. And if you want to marry him and you want him to be in your life, then she will not be in your life. Bottom line if Dad is willing to take her and that’s where she and Dad wanna go because she does not like the environment at your house and does not feel safe…. I think you will lose custody. Ridiculous or not that’s where you are. She has options. She doesn’t have to live with and put up with your partner.

Dear Lord!
Have I read this right? You have moved a succession of different men into your daughter's home over the years since you and her DF split up?
No wonder she doesn't want yet another one moving in and taking over. Perhapsnow would be a good time to think about putting your daughter first for a change.

And you say you're heart broken.

did you think about her heart?

Why do you need to live with someone and marry them? FFS.

Your DD will be 18 in 5 years. If you prioritise a man over her, don't expect her to prioritise you ever again. You broke the parent child bond: children come first. It's unconditional but you put conditions on it, you said my happiness is more important than yours.

Of course she's acting out. She hates you because you made her feel worthless.

Hold back on the wedding. If he really loves you, he'll wait for 5 years. What's the rush? Is your DD your priority or is your love life?

You've known him 3 years and you sacrifice your own baby for a man? To me that's just utterly weird. I couldn't do it. I'm not desperate, I don't need a man in my life to be happy. I love my kids. They will always be number one.

I wouldnt go around to his demanding her back, firstly, you need to find out what the court order says. But also you bring her back against her wishes, isnt going to be good for the relationship, she wont suddenly be like this is fine, it will likely cause a lot of issues. I was the child, around that age that went to live with my dad, for very similar reasons and my mother kicked off massively about it. She may feel once she is living with her dad she may be able to talk more openly to you about why she struggles living with your partner, it can be very difficult to do that, when she's still living under the roof with them. The best thing you can probably do is let her but keep the lines of communication open.

Usually you would have got notice of the court legal proceedings so im guessing it was some emergency order - in which case evidence would have been provided along with taking into account the childs wishes. At age 13 the voice of the child is very prominent in child hearings. If she wants to live with her dad and says she is scared of your partner there is not a lot you can do. Your partner should have made an effort at building a relationship with her rather than telling her off all the time if he wanted things to work out. I think at this stage there isnt a lot you can do if you want to remain with your partner and marry him other than seek a court order for contact arrangements.

Finally someone with a bit of common sense.
As usual, mumsnet showing they actually hate women and hold them to different standards than men

YABU. My dsd did exactly thus. she was very unhappy at mums as mums boyfriend was not kind to her and both put their joint children first. Theres more...

Mum kicked off but there was nothing she could do, children are not possessions. She has lived with us for 6 years now and thrived. There are rules here too but we listen to her and respect her feelings. and dont use her as free childcare
She does have a relationship with mum, just not close. Thats ok, dsd has been allowed to express herself and develop into a kid we're all proud of.
Respect your DD's decision and perhaps counselling? DSD had a counsellor to help her talk through things, her mum chose not to attend joint sessions but maybe thats something you can look into?

Jesus Christ is OP not allowed a relationship? They have been together three years! This is not a flash in the pan or the latest in a series of casual shags and men coming and going.

OP, if you can be absolutely sure your DD isn’t justified in her dislike of your partner, then ignore the advice on here and don’t split up your relationship on the whims of a child who I’m sure would love to have you all to herself and is trying to manipulate the situation. What happens when she doesn’t like her dad’s partner, if/when he has one? She doesn’t like the boundaries and is spitting the dummy out.

First of all, he might have told the school he has a court order but have they actually seen it? I would have thought they would have to ‘serve’ it to you before it could be enacted, unless a copy is on its way to you. You need to get legal advice urgently.
It’s true that the courts are highly likely to allow her to stay, at her age, if that’s what she wants. All you can do is let her know how loved she is and how much you want her home. If it doesn’t go your way, push for a high level of contact.
But would I fuck be ending a long term committed relationship because a stroppy teen doesn’t like being told no.

My DD chose to go live with her Dad in another country. She was always online gaming here in the UK and didnt have many friends. She is thriving over there now with a great social life and so much happier with a lovely group of friends and living the life I wanted her to have. Sometimes.a change is what they need. I believe parents should put their children's wellbeing and mental health before their own and I don't regret the decision at all. I miss her like mad, but she calls all the time and talks to me more now then ever before. I might be sad some days when I miss her, but knowing how much happier she is ultimately makes me happy.

🫢. In a nicer way, your child doesn’t like your partner, please prioritise her.

I'd be worried something more is going on that she isn't saying. It's a strong reaction. She said she felt scared. Take her out for a day or weekend and really listen to her. Let her know it's safe to talk and you won't dismiss her feelings.

The fact she hasn’t had issues with any other of your partners rings alarm bells for me to be honest. Maybe there another reason that’s not the wedding that you don’t want to consider?

Your partner should not be telling your daughter what to do. She is your daughter if you can’t get her to do these things it a mother and daughter problem.

are You in the uk? Sadly there isn’t much you can do at the age of 13. Also the more you push the more you will push her away x

I'm really sorry this happened and it's very painful; to have s child caught in the crossfire..
I'm afraid she's growing up and becoming headstrong. Its so difficult to navigate. Please seek help for this or mediation.. lest you go mad- like nearly did in your situation. When a Dad and Daughter join forces there's not a lot you can do. To force her to come back ??????? Better cut her some slack and be with Dad. She will be back to visit but our children are not possessions and it's the hardest part: Letting them go , keep your Dignity and just take one day at a time. Do your best , have a good weep because they always want to break free just when they're getting interesting.Love has a price , and that price is Pain when you're apart. Give her your good wishes and keep her Room cosy for when she visits. Or comes back.I ve been through exact thing, don't let them see you cry, although you want to cry every day because you love her. Pretend you're OK with things. Get the garden lovely for You to enjoy this Summer!!!

My parents split up when I was 15, and I hated all my mother’s partners after that. If my Dad had been even vaguely interested in having me I would have gone like a shot. Your daughter will find it much easier to accept your ex husbands female partner(s) than your male one. You need to respect her feelings and decision.
I do hope that you can all sort it out between you and still enjoy a good relationship with DD. Are you sure that it’s not your partner trying to split you and DD up rather than the other way around?

I suspect terminology has been muddled and the most that has happened is father has made an application to Court for a CAO. Possibly for Live With and Spend Time With elements.

OP would have known by now if there had been an ex parte order.

Why is it so bad that she wants to live with her Dad? She is not your property, and she never was. Far too many people still view their children as their personal chattels. She is as much her father's daughter as she is your daughter. This ownership mentality is an absolutely crazy mentality. Let her decide. You, like every other parent, are owed nothing by your child.

How are you jumping to him being someone who ‘imposes his own strict rules and punishments’ from the provided information that is ‘She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc’ with the factual bit being ‘he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc’ and the word strict being a description of how the daughter feels he is. At no point in any of the OPs post is punishment mentioned. Quite possible he may have the parenting style of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman but we should go on the information provided.

I suspect this "court order" doesn't exist

Kick the boyfriend out.

OP i hope you understand the advice. It is not peronal, but would welcome ti hear your views.

She's been fine with all of your previous boyfriends, just not this one.
Your ex has managed to get a court order based on info that your daughter is at risk with you.
Your boyfriend has done a lot more than tell your daughter to clean her room - if you choose him over her then you deserve everything that is coming