AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

@Bigglebiggle i don’t think you will get any court to rule in your favour to return her . She is old enough to have a voice now.

Not quite all your life, she is only 13 and gone through you and her dad splitting up. You have now taken away her safety and home by bringing another man to live there. Are you sure she’s not mentioned stuff before? I’m sure she has but it’s probably fallen on deaf ears or she hasn’t because she loves you,and you haven’t picked up on her discomfort. Now you’re getting married to the douche who thinks he has a right to tell your daughter off, it’s become permanent and she is scared. You have 2 options. 1/ carry on with plans to marry controlling douchebag and allow her to live with her dad. 2/ decide you love your daughter more, boot fiancé out if the house and give her her safe space back. Why do you feel the need to get married anyway?

Well done to her real Dad for stepping up.
Kids first always.

Maybe you should really listen to her. She’s clearly very unhappy.

You have not put your daughter first, you moved a man into her home, allowed him to boss her around and she knows full well that when you marry it will become worse. You never should have let your man tell her what to do, ever.

I don't condemn her for wanting a partner, I just don't see why he has to be living with them, never mind marrying. Many people have excellent, committed relationships in which each keeps their own home.

People are saying it's OK for the girl to to go and live with her dad because that is what she wants to do, right now. It is preferable,, in her eyes, to staying with mum and future stepfather. Only time will tell but from what I read, it seems like a good idea now, she can but try.

I wish the op would come back and let us know how things are going.

She sounds very unhappy with your fiancé but you’ve continued moving forward with him. You’ve made a choice here and she is also able to make choices in response.

I'd be interested to hear more about the OP's other children she says this issue has nothing to do with. Just a throw away comment at the end of her final post.

Who cares about the man. She is your girl. Grow up and look after your child. What is wrong with people these days. No man would ever be first in my eyes.

This is what really fucking angers me about people trying to blend families. It’s all done to suit the immature adults and not a flying fuck is given about the needs of the children

I really think you need to start listening to your dd if you don’t want to lose her.

She’s telling you she isn’t comfortable living with this man. Telling her off and arguing with you re her behaviour are not good signs, and this is on your own account.

Bringing another adult into a child’s home is not something that should just be done lightly, or without fully considering the effect on them. And unfair or not, bringing an unrelated man into the home is more problematic than an unrelated woman, usually.

you’ve chosen your partner over your daughter

If your daughter doesn't want to live with you and your partner, you have three choices.
Let her go.
Tell you partner to move out.
Talk to your daughter and see if there could be changes in your household that would make her want to stay, then agree with your partner to make them.
What is plain is that things can't continue the way they have been as your daughter is unhappy, has options and has the support she needs to choose a different one. Whether you think this is unjust to you and your partner is neither here nor there.

The issue of step parents telling a child what to do is a complex one. I would say that things like when they should tidy their room, how late they stay out, how much pocket money they get, who they hang out with, whether they come along on the weekend visit to grandma, their behaviour at school, for example are ones the biological parent should deal with. To expect the step parent to be entirely passive when it comes to general behaviour is weird in my view. I’ve done house shares when young and if I’ve a problem with a housemates behaviour I sure as hell don’t think I need to keep my mouth shut because I’m not their mother. Before anyone says a child is not a housemate, that’s just an example, equally applies to a friend, colleague or relative behaving unacceptably.

I would never pick a man over my daughter

I agree. I have been with my partner for nearly 23 years, but we have never lived together. DD was 12 and DS was 10 when we got together and I definitely wouldn't have had him move in. We both love each other, but we also both like our independence.

You haven’t listened to her. She’s been telling you she doesn’t like your partner and you haven’t put her feelings first. Now you want to demand she comes home. You sound very selfish, sorry

So she really doesn’t like this guy then. I feel really sorry for her, I was in the same position at her ages with a step dad telling me what to do and I couldn’t bear it I was so unhappy, it’s a weird relationship between a teenage girl and a step dad who is trying to parent her I don’t know why but it was horrible for me. I had a mum and a dad and I didn’t want this man telling me what to do. I also liked my dad’s wife as she didn’t do this and let my dad parent me. Listen to your daughter before you lose her. I don’t have the best relationship with my mum now and it all stems back to my teenage years and this situation

I highly doubt she has 'always come first' when you mention having brought multiple men into her life in the past and now this one. You've only been with him 3 years and he's telling her what to do? He has no business doing that when she has a dad of her own. Tell him to butt out. He didn't raise her. He came along too late into her childhood to develop a relationship where he's a parental figure to her. Tell him to step back into his place. Let her go and live with her dad if she wants to, you don't own her. She's as much his as she is yours and she wants to live with him.
On the court order, you won't have heard about it through the school. You would've had to attend a court hearing if you had lost custody of your own child. Schools don't just ring up to let you know here by the way you're not getting your child back.

You're right and if this is the case I doubt we will hear about it. If he did manage to get an ex parte hearing and order there's a lot more to this than we've been told.

Your daughter is only 13 years old and you are putting another man before her. Get rid of him and show your daughter some love and care. There is absolutely no way I would put my boyfriend first. Have you ever considered that the stories she told school may at the least have some truth to them? Even if she is making them up, that is concerning in itself. Bless her she sounds very unhappy.

I imagine that she does by now, yes, given that she made and (seemingly) left the thread yesterday.

The daughter has no history of hostility towards her stepmother, or towards her mother’s previous partners. She doesn’t like this particular man, and since he’s been in her life her behaviour has spiraled, which is something that can indicate her being a victim of abuse. She has indeed outright accused him of abuse, and outside agencies are now involved. This is a situation where her father absolutely could have obtained an emergency order.

It suits OP to present this as just a lying girl throwing a tantrum, but the reality may indeed be very different (and tbh I suspect it is).

Or your man is actually the problem and you need to get your priorities sorted

Speaking from heart wrenching experience, listen to your daughter. Do not prioritise a man over your her. Something feels very off here. Research consistently shows that children living with a stepfather are at a significantly higher statistical risk for abuse. I’ll just leave that thought there.

I've never been on this situation so maybe I'm being extremely naive but ... What type of parent has a partner move in that a child dislikes so much? How do you get to that?

She's getting into trouble, behaving erratically, including living school and says she's scared! Why are you marrying him? I'd be worrying about why my child hates them so much.