AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

Her dad isn't turning her against you - you are - you have chosen a man over her and she will never forgive you

Clearly she has a different dynamic at her fathers house. It’s REALLY clear that your DP is the issue and that your ex must have heard things he really doesn’t like to have acted with such impunity, but you don’t seem to want to accept this so….

It’s sad you can’t make the connection that the reason her stepmother can tell her off is because she’s been involved with her for many years and your fiance hasn’t got those years of building trust and rapport. Poor girl, I hope she’s settling ok and happier.

My thoughts also.

It’s not unusual for teens to want to live with the more lenient parent. It also is common for the new partner to be authoritarian with teens and expect that to make the teen obedient 🤣
You married this guy knowing your daughter hates him, what did you expect would happen? Is there a hidden reason your daughter doesn’t want to live with him besides the discipline issue? Your ex loves and cares for your daughter while your current partner does not. Your ex must have been very alarmed to take the steps he did. You must dig deeper into your daughter’s concerns with current partner. Your daughter and your current partner may both lie to you, so involving a neutral third-party might be helpful.

I don’t think @Bigglebiggle is coming back - didn’t get the answer she wanted.

Yes... a revolving door of men. One in, one out in very quick succession. Her parents split aged 3... between the ages of 3 and 10 there were at least 3 other men moved into the house. At least one of those got married and had a child with the OP who is now engaged to yet another man.

The kid is living in a house where she has complained ONLY about this particularly man (not the multiple others or her stepmother). She has told school / authorities she doesn't feel safe... that has to be looked into. The OP and her fiance are constantly fighting about the daughter... thats got to be a fantastic atmosphere to live in surely.

The child has been complaining about this man and causing concerns to 3rd parties but Mummy dearest doesn't want to listen.

ETA: I am a step-parent myself. My stepson also has a stepfather and in both homes he knows that all parent within the household (biological or step) are to be listened to. I tell him to do chores and my DH also always made sure he knew to be respectful and listen to his stepfather too. I agree with you that if it was a case of a kid being annoyed they need to do chores and throwing a strop that's not something to pander to.... but the big clue here is that welfare authorities have already been involved previously and that an emergency court order was obtained. A judge doesn't even allow an emergency hearing unless there are real concerns.

One of the most bullshit posts I have ever read on here.

Please hear her. How on earth are you arguing about YOUR child with a man who is NOT her dad.

get him out. Listen to your child.

Revolving door of men? Yes work together to get to the bottom of it. Not going to be too challenging. She is a teenager and doesnt like being told what to do by a man who is not her Dad. Most teenagers dont like beibg told what to do. Here though she has the option to complain to her Dad and school who have over reacted and called in social services/courts. Yes there could me more to it so this could be justified. If there isnt then why should this lady dump her new partner of 3 years on the say so of a stroppy teenager and her Dad.

The ex partner who is actually listening to the child's concerns? It is NOT easy to get an emergency court order... the school and other welfare authorities were also involved following the daughters comments.

Absolutely 100% the child could be making things up... but honestly the OP shiuld be doing everything in her power to get to the bottom of what's going on instead of continuing to plan yet another marriage. A revolving door of men moved into a young girls home is absolutely cause for concern in itself.

Yes the 2 parents should be working together but given the Father has serious concerns (or an emergency order wouldn't have been granted), and the OPs response is to "DEMAND" her daughter back instead of sitting down and trying to work out the best approach is alarming!

Best to let her go if that is what she wants. All these posts about getting rid of your current partner are rubbish. She is behaving like a typical teenager and playing one off against the other. Its your ex partner who sounds like a dick and encouraging this behaviour. You should all be working together. Let her go and accept your relationship with your daughter is going to be slightly different.

Why are you chosing a man over your child?

Don’t marry this guy…

There's only one reason men want to get their feet under the table in a house that has a young girl in residence - and it isn't you.

Imagine actually having this ridiculous view of all step dads.

Why shouldn't she live with her dad?

I had the same when I was a kid, I hated my Mum's partner and went to live with my Dad. If she doesn't like your partner and he's strict on her, then I can completely understand why she wants to live with her Dad. I think you need to take a step back and try and understand how she's feeling. Whilst I get that you're engaged, it's not fair that your daughter is feeling pushed out, this man has moved into HER home and started laying down the law to her - it's not fair, and the situation should have been addressed long before now. I'd be seriously considering my options. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you need to look at moving your partner out, and slowing everything right down. She's obviously not ready for a new partner to be part of her life. Why does she dislike him so much? How has your partner been strict on her? I'll be honest, it's not his place to parent her, his role should very much be backing you up, not implementing discipline himself. You need to speak to her and see what she wants. Why has your ex got a court order? There must be more to this. Highly recommend you don't continue living with your partner, concentrate on your daughter's needs and see your partner when she's not there.

Yes and often the consequence of that is that the father-daughter relationship is lost. My DD is changing her surname as soon as she turns 16.. to my maiden name because she hasn’t seen her dad for 4 years ‘because he has a new life’…
OP’s daughter has said she feels unsafe, OP is unwilling to believe this, OP doesn’t have to dump her partner but if it’s specifically the wedding her DD is unhappy about OP could delay this for a few years.. if she doesn’t want to that’s fine… but if her daughter wants to live with her dad that is the price of OP’s happiness here xx

Sorry @Bigglebiggle but she’s 13, she’s made it very clear she doesn’t like your fiancé, she’s told you, she’s told school etc that she feels unsafe, You don’t believe her and are ignoring her.
You may have put her first in the past, but right now you have chosen your partner over your daughter.
She wants to live with her Dad, I’m afraid you need to respect that… I would go round there, calmly and ON YOU OWN… or text and ask her if you can meet her somewhere for a milkshake or somewhere, ask her if this is really what she wants, tell her you are heartbroken and will miss her but respect her decision.

You then have a few options…

Wait it out and see if her father and his new family can cope with her behaviour - they might be packing her bags and bringing her back next month!

BUT her behaviour also might be her acting out BECAUSE she doesn’t like your partner, she may have tolerated him but the engagement was too permanent for her, she told you this and it fell on deaf ears, so she started playing up to show you she was unhappy?!… you’ve also ignored this! So now she is doing the only thing she has left to do, let’s face it, we don’t live with people we don’t like, we divorce them etc… she is making that choice and moving out of the house because she doesn’t want to live with your partner that she doesn’t like!

She is telling you ‘choose between me and this man’… you’ve chosen your boyfriend… so she’s moving out! Try and stop her, she’ll hate you!

....

Not wanting to live with your creepy boyfriend doesn't make her entitled.

You're putting your needs over hers because you are a selfish woman.

I’m not sure how you’ve come to that conclusion, knowing nothing about the situation beyond OP’s version. That being said, even though OP has made every attempt to portray herself and her partner is the most flattering of lights, she’s still managed to wave more than one or two red flags.

There have been allegations made, and apparently they’ve been taken seriously enough to justify the father obtaining an emergency order. Those aren’t in fact just handed out freely, so there is almost certainly far more to this than a child being unhappy about her mother remarrying.