AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

Also it's refreshing to see a father standing up for his child. He sounds like he's looking out for her mental wellbeing and is happy to go down the legal route to ensure she is heard. Good on him.

Put your daughter first

if your partner is a "random shouty man", you need to make better choices.

Do you often make unreasonable and unworkable ultimatums like 'you're not living with your father'...

If so, that may be part of your problem. You actually do not have the right to dictate which parent she lives with and you've played right into his/her hands in doing that.

Be honest - was she ok with the current boyfriend before marriage was on the cards? Why is he parenting her anyway, that should be your job not his, he should at most, be backing you up, not disciplining her independently.

I am sure your partner will be very happy to have you to himself without your annoying daughter. FFS put your child first - you will lose her. Kick out the man and let her feel happy in her own home. This is your fault not her dads - he is doing the right thing.

We do have occasional arguments, however they are normally in regards to DDs behaviour and no more then any other couple.

Okay, so that sounds like he disagrees with you with how you are raising her. From what you have said, he is strict and you are probably "too lax for his liking"? That is a massive problem in your relationship and you should not be getting married with such a fundamental difference in parenting techniques.

If she was fine with previous relationships then it is your current partner that is the problem, he isn't her dad, his role is support you as a parent, not to parent her himself and get angry at both of you for not agreeing with his way of doing things.

Why are you letting him do that?

Yes, I should tell her to move out and pay extortionate rent on her own place so I can have my boyfriend and his child move in. What a great idea for all involved.

Your partner who is not her dad should not be arguing with her or about her with you, what do you argue about. Does he have his own children or any experience of looking after teens. If he's bossy now what's he going to be like when she's 16.

I think you need to open your eyes and pay a bit more attention to what your daughter is trying to tell you.

If she hasn't had a problem with any of your previous boyfriends or her dad's wife, then it's clearly this man in particular.

There may be more to this than you know or are admitting to yourself...

At 13 a court will listen to what she wants so you can't just drag her back to your house. She has a voice, whether you want to hear it or not.

If I were you I'd put the wedding on hold and work out your relationship with your daughter.

A freaking stranger lives in her home and tells her to tidy her room and nags her.

OP do you have any self esteem?

You know you don't need a man to live life to the fullest?

Your 'partner' is annoying your teenage daughter, where are your priorities? Or is it money related? He is a good earner and you are riding on that? What is the reason?

I cannot begin to imagine.

100% this. I told my ex that we could live together once our DCs had all moved out and he didn’t want to wait so we finished the relationship. I don’t want to live with his DC any more than I want him living with mine. It’s just not necessary.

Well that suggests there's something specific to your boyfriend that she's not happy with. Perhaps the arguments?

Is he worth more than she is?

How did she feel when you married the husband you had in 2023? The one who also had a child and presumably is the dad of your toddler? Your daughter has seen a massive amount of change in your life, maybe she hates the new guy, maybe she just finds her dad and his wife a bit more settled and wants out of the chaos and drama.

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs and your feelings- looking at the cold facts - which are 1) that your daughter doesn’t want to live in your house with you and your partner,
2) that the courts will be likely to respect her wishes where her father is a fit parent, you have a choice to make:

a) partner moves out and stays out of your home or
b) she lives with her dad.

A 19 year old woman should have her own digs and be creating her own vibe, not dictating who her mum shags

Why is your partner getting involved in any way with parenting? You have not got a handle on this at all. And if the ex has applied to court do NOT go anywhere near the house. You have to wait for the court hearing now.

(not that we should necessarily be slagging OP off as such, but I do think it's fair to point out that disregarding her child's feelings of security to this extent are not great parenting)

It’s her home FFS! Same way I don’t want her deciding to move her boyfriend into our house, I’m not dictating anything, I just don’t see why anyone should expect their housemates to be ok with some random shouty man being in their space. This may be a reaction to previous domestic violence, but there’s no way I’m allowing some man to disrupt our peace at home.

You ca try to fight it, but ultimately your DD will be allowed to decide how much time she spends at each address, including no time at all.

Talk to her. Be genuinely curious about what she is unhappy with. Take action based on what she tells you, including moving your boyfriend back out of your home if that’s what is needed to make her feel seen, heard, and safe.

Yes, some do - and all of those are shit fathers who also deserve to be slagged off.

Harsh but possibly true

Has it not occurred to you that she seemed to be ok with the previous relationships because she was too young to realise she COULD do anything to change the situation?. Now she is old enough to realise that she doesn't have to put up with a succession of men moving into her home. You really are not coming across as caring what is best for your child, just what you want.

This

You are the AH because your child doesn’t want you to marry this guy and you are anyway. You’ve squeezed her out of her own home by ignoring her feelings about how your family is changing. It’s not a popular opinion but I believe while your kids are under 18 they should be the priority and should come before partners or dating. You could have planned to get married or even live together in a few years when her childhood is over. Home at this point needs to be her safe place.

Sounds like her dad is settled and in a permanent long relationship and you have brought numerous strange men into your daughter's home @Bigglebiggle

She's better off somewhere stable with her dad, her step mum and sibling than living with you and yet another feckless man. Don't you know anything about safeguarding your child? This man shouldn't be anywhere near her bedroom.