AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

I'd be concerned my child dislikes my partner that much. I don't think I'd have a partner that long if she felt so strongly against him at that age.

If she doesn't want to live with you and your partner who she doesn't like, forcing her to do so will not help anything will it?

She's not a possession, so no you can't 'demand her back.' Not against her consent. Unless the dad is dangerous or neglectful which it doesn't sound like he is.

Chose you child.

This exactly
and now the OP is upset
I’m thinking how upset her daughter must be it’s a disgrace

Why is your partner ordering her around so much? Surely it’s your job to decide how you want to parent your child and he should follow your lead?

I have a 13 year old and I know they can be hormonally, overly sensitive creatures, and if you said she's previously loved living with her dad, or did 50/50, I'd say maybe she's just having a jealous pout about mum's new man, but moving out to somewhere she is less happy to spite you for daring to love again makes NO sense. She's deeply uncomfortable around your man... ditch him if you care about your daughter.

So she got along with all your previous partners AND her dad's wife, but she's clearly telling you she doesn't like your new boyfriend, and is scared of him. She bothered to tell her school, to tell her dad, and he was worried enough to get a court order. AND still you think the problem is with HER, she's 'telling everyone lies' and is planning to move out, just because your partner asked her to do a couple of chores? Right..

Also, and I'm fully aware that's judgy, and I don't care. 'All your previous partners'? How many were there? So you divorced her dad, then (according to your previous) married someone else quite recently, and now have yet another 'fiancé'? I'm not coming from any sort of 'sluttyness' position, but this inability to live without a man for 5 mins, dick before kids, it's all a bit pathetic. And I can definitely sympathise with the girl here, oh look, mum's partner of 2026 moving in, will we get yet another brand new one for Christmas 2027??

Date if you want to, that's fine. Just don't move in every Tom, Dick and Harry and don't marry each and every one of them, ffs.

I have an almost 14-year-old DD and a partner of 8 years. I divorced DD's dad when she was 3. I dated during those years, but nothing serious; DD never met any of them. Now I have a partner of almost 8 years. DD knows him and likes him fine, but we have no plans to move in together. Although she likes him enough, and he has no inclination (and I'd never allow him) to 'discipline' her or tell her what to do, I still get that she doesn't want an unrelated man moving into her space. I also wouldn't want that in her place. Our home is her safe haven, where she can relax, be silly, prance around semi-dressed, and do whatever. She's a young teen. She'd be uncomfortable, and I respect that.

You really need to think hard about what you just said here. She's not lying if you yourself say that there have been more than one argument about her.

Why is she aware of this? Can't you see how damaging it is to her to hear you argue about her.

As others have said. Why is he parenting YOUR daughter when the relationship with him is poor and your not even married yet. Why aren't you saying. Okay Fred, this isn't working, I will step up and do all the parenting and especially the chore setting / discipline. If he's not happy with your parenting then that's between the two of you, in private NOT and argument about your daughter as a person.

She is at a difficult age, your relationship with her matters.

Speaking as a stepdaughter, my stepdad came into our lives quite early on and didn't discipline us or tell us what to do for a good few years - although I'm sure he wanted to! Only once he was firmly in our lives and 'friends' with us, would he tell us to step up and help out more, not talk to people 'like that' etc., and he actually asked us first if we would be happy with him marrying our mum. He'd tried really hard to develop good relationships with us first. We absolutely had our ups and downs over the years though, don't get me wrong!

Will you get an opportunity to talk to your daughter soon? Listen to her concerns, let her know she is absolutely your priority and that step dad will go easy on her from now on? It might be best if she stays at her dad's for a while, while everyone has a chance to breathe. You need to decide what's more important, keeping your fiance in your home or having your daughter back. She may well be being difficult, but she is a child and not well equipped to deal with the emotions she's having although she has been pretty clear in her wants and needs by the sounds of it.

Best of luck it sounds like a very difficult situation.

"Due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up."

Since she was 10? Looks like you've treating her as competition rather than a vulnerable child.

I don't think her dad is being over the top.

If I was your daughter I'd leave too what is is with stupid woman putting partners before their kids? Then you wonder why they hate you? Ditch the guy and she'll stay

I have read the whole thread and it seems that you have another dc from another marriage separate to dd's father, plus other relationships in between.

I am actually agog at this being any young girl's home life. No wonder she has gone to live with her father. You have failed to provide any proper stability for this girl, and you have also made her live with random men. One of which now scares her enough that she has gone to live with her dad.

She now has the agency you have denied her. At 13 I imagine no court will override her wishes and make her live with you if her home at her fathers is serving her interests better - and that is where she expresses she wants to be.

Poor girl. I have a 12 year old dd and I cannot imagine doing to her what you have done to your dd. You also speak about her as if she is a possession... while letting your latest shag drive her away.

YABU utterly and outrageously so.

Your daughter has told you what her problem is, listen. The fact she’s fine with her dad’s partner shows she’s open to the idea of step parents but doesn’t like the partner you’ve chosen.

I was your daughter and I wish I’d had a dad I could stay with back then. I didn’t and my mum ignored me, writing off my feelings as a teenage phase like you are. Our relationship is permanently damaged even now because she has shown me she is unable to prioritise my safety and happiness.

She probably thinks you’re going to split up like you did with the other ones and wants you to get on with it! Poor girl, why do you need a man right now??

Like it or not, this life/these experiences are shaping her for life- no couple should be arguing with kids in the house. Do it when they’re out, or more quietly. Or, ideally- learn how to work through issues like grown ups.

She has lived with a couple over the years? Just how many men have you moved in to live with her and then split up with?

You’ve only been with this guy for 3 years. He shouldn’t even be living there.

I’m a single parent. I’ve been with my boyfriend 2.5 years. He met my kids after 18 months but didn’t stay over at mine with them in the house until a few weeks ago. Why is this man living with you, when you’re disgusted has already been made to live with other men you’ve paraded through her life?

She doesn’t want him there. Something is wrong. You need to listen to her. He needs to love out, been temporarily, whilst you take your daughter to family counselling and find a way through this. You’re ignoring what she is is saying and plowing on ahead regardless of what it’s doing. It’s really selfish, shit parenting. Thank god her dad is doing right by her.

Mmmm I smell a rat
Definitely more to it
Partner really shouldn't be so involved in parenting of DD
He sounds jealous and needy

The most dangerous thing that can happen to a child is to have an unrelated male move into their home. Your daughter is taking care of herself because you won't.

You have allowed a man into your home who orders your child about and apparently criticises her at every turn and you somehow think SHE’S at fault here?

Team DD

Your daughter isn’t a possession, she’s a human being with her own emotions and preferences.
What right do you have to move a man into her home who she is scared of and who disciplines her?!
You sound totally disinterested in your daughter’s wellbeing. It’s all about having control of her, isn’t it?
She will leave and go NC as soon as she’s old enough, but hey, crack on with the great man who you’re always arguing with 👍🏻

I'm sorry, this must be heartbreaking for you. But your partner should not be telling your daughter off or instructing her what to do at all. I have a partner, we each have a child, we have not parented each other's child at all, other than to keep them safe. If something bothers us we tell the child's parent (very quietly, in private), who deals with it. We've done that for 13 years and the kids, who are both adults now, say that we did the right thing.

Children should not be told off or told what to do in their home by a partner who is not their parent, it builds deep resentment and sometimes hatred of the partner. If you and your partner are also arguing about her behavior inside her home she will have heard every word each of you is saying. It will have been extremely upsetting for her to have to listen to that. Your daughter is very upset, it sounds like she's been trying to tell you how miserable it's making her for a long time, and you're just dismissing her with "she's trying to split me and my partner up".

At 13 I'm afraid the courts will take your daughter's opinion into account when deciding where she should live. Her father is her parent too, she has a right to chose to live there as long as she is safe. All you can do now is actually listen to her, talk and try to rebuild the relationship.

Gently, are you or have you listened to her? Because it feels like she clearly states how she feels over the years and you sort of disregard her feelings as you knowing best.

Your boyfriend/fiance should not be disciplining your daughter, it sounds like there has been an overstep/overreach of the step parent dynamic (particularly in the early portion of a relationship - fair enough if they've been in her life for a long time through all her childhood) and that may well be what she's responding to. You can't just demand her back, she's 13.

I think you’ll have to put up and shut up for the time being.
You should, however make every effort to mend your relationship with your daughter (your partner needs to do this too).
Perhaps days out you know she’ll enjoy just you and her, NOT in your home!
Then in the future when things are hopefully better (fingers crossed) your partner could be involved too - but don’t argue in front of her.
Cinema, musicals, shopping, sports, hobbies etc. - as long as it’s stuff she wants to do.
Hopefully you’ll have the ‘good’ bits of teenage life to concentrate on without going on about homework/chores etc.

Harsh wording but this!!

She’s 13 she doesn’t want to live with this man. Can you not wait until she is 18/20, it’s not that long away.

Why would you therefore assume that there isn’t a specific issue with this man?

I think at 13 she is very young and probably feels awkward .What is the rush to get married anyway? Surely better to live apart ATM .when she is so uncomfortable.See partner when shes at her dads.