Page 22 | AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

Glowingup · 11/06/2026 15:44

I am surprised if he has managed to get a without notice court order to say she lives with him. If you want to save this situation, can your DP stop telling her off? It’s causing an issue. He needs to stop giving a shit. Fine if she’s being noisy or disruptive to tell her to stop it but cleaning her room and doing chores needs to be what you do. You also need to stop arguing where she can hear it.

Alternatively, let her go and live with her dad. If he’s not a terrible parent, why not? She’s lived with you all these years so let him take over for a bit if that’s what she wants.

Goodluckanddontfitup · 11/06/2026 15:41

This is a horrible read. Imagine as a 13 year old girl having a random man come into your home and start telling you what to do. Irregardless of these what may or may not be ‘lies’ this is a horrible and uncomfortable situation for your daughter and I feel sad that this man is clearly being prioritised over her

andweallsingalong · 11/06/2026 15:41

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

So she's started acting out since the new man?

And you don't think there is a link?

Please get individual and family counselling. And by family I mean you and your daughter.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 11/06/2026 15:39

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

So by your own admission you’ve been a bad parent? Let her go to her dads, maybe he can do better with boundaries and consequences since you haven’t put that in place.

You don’t seem to like your imaginary daughter

SooPanda · 11/06/2026 15:37

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

Not wanting to live with an adult man who makes her unhappy is not “entitled”

leh13579 · 11/06/2026 15:36

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:11

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

Why is your partner parenting your child? They have no right to do that and you should make them stop immediately. My daughter struggled living with my husband and his two boys (split from her dad when she was 5, moved in with current husband when she was 7) and she moved in with her dad when she was about 13. Yes, I thought I was dying for quite a long time. But she's now almost 18 and happy as anything and I see her very regularly and our relationship is great. It's not really about what you want, it's about what she wants and what is best for her. Do you think her dad will be able to look after her adequately? Couldn't you say let's have a trial and see how you get on and if you want to come back then the door is always open?

Namechangeforthisdilemma1 · 11/06/2026 15:36

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

how many men have been brought in her life since her dad?

is she the eldest? Are the siblings “full” or “half” siblings?

why is your partner of just 3 years trying to discipline her? Why is that not for you and ex to agree on?

It’s all relevant and I don’t think her issues are from being “entitled” somehow…

OriginalUsername2 · 11/06/2026 15:35

He shouldn’t be telling her off. Step parents, especially those that join in the teen years, should act more like uncles and aunties imo.

It’s how me and my partner do things and we have great relationships with our step-children. We both had “mums new boyfriend making our lives miserable” situations as children and didn’t want to repeat that for ours.

Bridesmaidorexfriend · 11/06/2026 15:35

I feel like this is the perfect story to wind up the antistepfamily side of mumsnet, but say it is true, then let her go to her dads if he will have her. You’re making a choice about changing her life, she has another parent who she would rather live with so she should have a choice over living with her dad, or staying with you and having a new parental figure she doesn’t want, and lets me honest the risk of abuse has gone up in your home now

BeNoisyPeachOrca · 11/06/2026 15:34

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

If she is such a problem now, why is her dad and his new wife/partner going to such lengths to let her live with them? This just does not add up at all

VickyEadie · 11/06/2026 15:34

ScarlettOYara · 11/06/2026 15:26

What's this? There are other children?.

Show quote history

3 years ago there was a husband, a 2 year old and a 10 year old step son, with no mention of the now 13 year old DD.

JoWilkinsonsno1fan · 11/06/2026 15:34

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:32

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now.

So if she is fine with everyone else, your ex’s and her Dad’s partner- what is that saying about your current partner?

I cannot believe you are not listening to a child that had clearly told you, time and time again that she is not happy!! and then you accuse her of lying??!! She may actually be lying to be heard and get listened to and who can blame her.

If she feels safe at her Dads then thats where she stays! And just because you think they are normal asks (you should be asking her to do her bedroom, not him!) and normal arguments it doesn’t mean to say your DD does!! Keep communication open with her and make sure she knows how much you love her.

I have too say after many years working with children you just don’t get a court order - there will need to be a good reason as to why the courts proceeded with this.

The answer to this though is clearly obvious to everyone but you!

allthingsinmoderation · 11/06/2026 15:34

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:11

Have a DD age 13, for the last 10 years she has lived with me primarily and stayed with dad every other weekend and through the holidays. There has been periods in the past she has said she does not like dads and did not want to go, however I have always encouraged this.

I have been with my partner for 3 years, due to get married next year and ever since the engagement DD has been trying to split us up. Recently she has told her dad and school information that is not true, leading to the welfare officer being involved. She does not like my partner as she feels he is strict on her, however he asks her to do what most 13 year olds do, tidy her room, help with chores etc.

DD has informed us and her school she wants to live with dad, however I know this is just a phase and informed her and her dad this is not going to happen, I dont want my child living away from me. Today I have got a call from the school to say DDs dad has picked her up and taken out a court order, im at a loss of what to do, im heart broken.

AIBU to think he is just being over the top and to go to their his house to demand her back?

I can understand this is worrying for you.
You DD is clearly unhappy with the way your partner treats her and tbh he should not be disciplining her or telling her what to do, thats your job.
Your DD is old enough for her wishes to be honoured by the courts so you may not have the decision making power here.
If there is a court order you arent in a position to do any demanding back and that aside with a teenager demanding wont work.
I think the issue is you have allowed this man who you have only known for 3 yrs to get involved with disciplining your DD and that was unwise at best.
You havent listened to your DD feelings in this matter .
Speak to your ex and express your concerns and ask to see the court order and speak to your DD saying you want her to be happy and ask her what she wants to happen.
If thats live with her dad,support that and arrange visitation.
If thats, not marry your partner for a few years,decide what is your priority .
Yes you ABU to demand her back.

Original poster

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 15:32

All my life she has come first, perhaps too much as ive always done everything for her and always tried to understand her instead of giving consequences for any mis behaviour, because of this she is now acting out at school, stealing and constantly getting into trouble. I love her to bits but my failings as a mother in her early years have now led to her being entitled. This is nothing to do with my other children.

OP posts:

JudgeJ · 11/06/2026 15:30

I dont want my child living away from me.

But her father has to live away from his daughter, she has two parents, neither is more important than the other.

FairKoala · 11/06/2026 15:30

Grammarnut · 11/06/2026 15:14

Teenagers routinely try to disrupt their parents' new relationships. You are entirely right to back your new partner e.g. in requiring chores etc of DD. Your ex has decided to weaponise your DD's strategy to break you and your partner up. If she is that keen to live with your ex I would let her go. Tell her she can come home whenever she pleases and is expected to attend your wedding - tell your ex this as well and make sure he knows the date so has no excuse to prevent DD attending.

The dd hasn’t broken up any of the other relationships her parents have been involved with so there is nothing routine about this.

As this is the only one that she hates, and just reading what Bigglebiggle has written about him, I can see why the dd hates him.

This sort of advice would have dd going NC.

She doesn’t want to have anything to do with this guy and ordering her to attend the wedding is a sure fire way of alienating her for good and wrecking the wedding.

SnoopyPajamas · 11/06/2026 15:30

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:32

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now.

Or it's this man in particular. Your daughter is at the age where men start letching.

She may well be too embarrassed, or scared of upsetting you, to tell you the truth about why he makes her so uncomfortable. So she's making stuff up instead.

ScarlettOYara · 11/06/2026 15:29

Listen to your daughter. There is a problem with this man.

Aluna · 11/06/2026 15:28

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:32

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now.

So it’s particular to this guy, and you’re not listening.

She has every right to go and live with her dad. You stick to your guns you lose your DD. What kind of outcome is that?

OneFineDay22 · 11/06/2026 15:28

You say you’ve always encouraged DD to stay with her dad so you obviously don’t think he’s a safeguarding risk of any sort, so what’s the problem with her living with him?

It’s about what’s best for her, not what you would like for yourself. She says she’s scared of your fiancé and you are ignoring her. Her dad is listening and supporting her. You should try to understand instead of dismissing her.

ScarlettOYara · 11/06/2026 15:26

NiftyKoala · 11/06/2026 15:21

I had posted chose your child. But I take that back. Your child is far better off with her father. Interesting you don't mention the 2 and 10 year old you used to have.

What's this? There are other children?.

MJagain · 11/06/2026 15:26

Bigglebiggle · 11/06/2026 13:32

She has lived with a couple over the years, her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship. She hasn't had problems with any of my previous relationships either, it seems to be the marriage she is having problems with. I have explained to her it won't change anything from what it is now.

How on earth could she believe nothing will change when all she has known in her short life is constant change?

Multiple relationships, men moving in etc. Absolutely ridiculous. Maybe she sees her dad’s new relationship as the more stable and homely offer right now.

ZoeCM · 11/06/2026 15:24

TequillaSunset · 11/06/2026 14:45

I have read the whole thread and it seems that you have another dc from another marriage separate to dd's father, plus other relationships in between.

I am actually agog at this being any young girl's home life. No wonder she has gone to live with her father. You have failed to provide any proper stability for this girl, and you have also made her live with random men. One of which now scares her enough that she has gone to live with her dad.

She now has the agency you have denied her. At 13 I imagine no court will override her wishes and make her live with you if her home at her fathers is serving her interests better - and that is where she expresses she wants to be.

Poor girl. I have a 12 year old dd and I cannot imagine doing to her what you have done to your dd. You also speak about her as if she is a possession... while letting your latest shag drive her away.

YABU utterly and outrageously so.

When I think back to being thirteen - all the stress of hormones, being harassed by boys at school, and so on - the idea of having to deal with all that on top of a strange man living in my home and my mother prioritising him over me... it's horrific. And this isn't even the first time the OP has moved a man in with her kids.

notanothermother · 11/06/2026 15:24

New boyfriend is giving red flags that your 13 year old can see but you can’t.

I can’t ever imagine putting a guy in front of my own child. If she’s liked other boyfriends and other partners of her dad but this one guy she doesn’t like. There HAS to be a reason. I’d have ditched him after a few months if it wasn’t working out between my kids and him.

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 11/06/2026 15:24

Yikes, at the end of the day you are trying to force your child to live with someone who isn’t her parent and whom she doesn’t feel comfortable living with. Whether you think her feelings are justified doesn’t matter. You really need to prioritise your child’s needs here.

He also shouldn’t be telling her what to do or what is “expected,” he’s not her parent.