AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

For 3 years - almost a quarter of her life - she’s had to live with an unrelated man whom she dislikes.

And you ask whether you are being reasonable???

He's not decent, though. He's imperious, scares the child and apparently isn't bothered about the child leaving the home rather than live with him, unless there's a lot of stuff OP isn't telling us.

However rare a decent man supposedly is, your children are more important anyway. We are supposed to let our kids be driven away or live in misery because we might not find a man otherwise? Seriously?

And the stuff about people only valuing and prioritising their children because they don't love their partners is actually the silliest thing I've read on here all week, and there's been some competition. Can't even get worked up over something so daft.

I find it strange that people are coming out with this ditch him stance (commenting here on the assumption that your daughter’s complaints are unfounded as you have suggested be the case). There are so many threads going on about how awful the stock of decent men is, yet when your daughter is acting up it’s ‘ditch him’, like you’ll find another man you love at the drop of a hat in five years time. I suspect half the Mumsnet posters don’t really love their partners (a general point not directed at the quote I replied on) as they consider them so easily replaceable. You’ve mentioned your daughter being entitled - ditching the partner to appease her will only further this.

OP, please 'read the room'.

Go to Court and let CAFCASS, her and the Court decide what's in her best interests.

It sounds like you didn’t listen to her when she expressed her dislike of her new living arrangements. Saying you don’t want to live apart from your child is not really your choice at 13 when she has a dad and wants to be with him.
She said she’s scared, teenagers can make
stuff up and be horribly manipulative but that doesn’t mean what she’s said in that moment isn’t true. Concentrate on building a new relationship with her as it sounds like this one has broken down far enough for dad to get a court order

There's a fair point to this. If you can choose who you live with then why can't she?

Your boyfriend needs to back off with the strict father bullshit. It's not his place. He has no right to come into her home and start thinking he's the big man of the house and can throw his weight around. Who does he think he is??
Its a huge red flag that he thinks he can come into your lives and dominate you all to the extent your daughter wants to leave.
I'm saying this as someone who had a stepdad and also my husband is my eldests stepdad, so I'm not against you moving on with your life and having partners. You need your head screwed on though because statistically bringing a stepfather into the home is the most dangerous thing you can do to a kid.

You are responsible for her. You aren't responsible for your boyfriend and you should put your child WAY ahead of him.

The way you play this now will make or break your your daughter's future attachment styles and her mental health.

Ah okay. But I think it’s the discipline thing that’s an issue. Not a stepparent doing nice or caring things for their stepchild. I’ve seen posts on here from people who had a stepdad who basically never spoke to them, just ate and slept at their house and that was it. No care and no interest in their lives.

Consequences don't work. But if she is behaving badly at school and stealing and in trouble, there are problems there. The answer wouldn't be consequences. If you look up "ahaparenting" you will be taken to a website (i can't remember what it is called but ahaparenting will take you there) in which a clinical psychologist gives advice on parenting based on some 60 or 70 years of bonafide research - look up "punishments" and "consequences" for 13 year olds, and it will help you find out how you can help your dd. The answer basically is both to have high expectations and to give huge amounts of support - it isn't a "soft" option.

I am another one saying you should put your dd first and ditch the relationship and tell her that is what you are going to do and tell her that you are going to give her more support with everything, and see if she wants to come home on that basis. I think that you need to find out a lot more about how she is thinking and feeling about everything including about your partner. It sounds as though a lot has gone wrong for her and there is a lot to unravel. I hope you can make it work, and it is worth starting a new thread saying "my dd is stealing.." etc and see if you can get some advice on that - there are two schools of thought on MN - one is consequnces and punishments is the way to go (this is not in accordance with research) and the other is more in accordance with research - again the latter is not the soft option and is worth looking into (ie it is the one which requires you to have high expectations but to also give a lot of support).

I don't think OP is coming back!

Women, stop bringing strange men to your home with young female teens!

My mum was a SAHM so did all that and I spent every weekend with my dad.

As I grew up yes I asked him for advice as that was my choice as we slowly built a good relationship. He now lives round the corner from me.

Why are you choosing the man over your daughter.

Do you mean disciplining? Because it would be weird if a stepparent never ever cooked for a stepchild, never gave them a lift, never offered advice or a shoulder to cry on, never lent them any money, never helped with homework or school projects. All of which are part of parenting.

Of course she should live there if she's happier. I'm just wondering what people are complaining about if they think it's so important that OP marry this prince. OP marries him, child lives elsewhere. What are they complaining about?

Your partner should not be parenting your child. My step dad never once got involved in parenting me.

Exactly.

Yes, this no one is saying be single forever. You don’t need to move a man in at once.

Carry on dating - go engaged if you want

No need to live with you both

It’s her dad, ie her other equal parent. Why shouldn’t she live there if she’s happier? Why should she necessarily live with her mum? I’d definitely let a 13 year old live with the other parent if she really wanted to. I wouldn’t reward lies to authority figures to try to get her own way.

The fact that her dad is now married and she never had an issue with your other boyfriends should be a massive red flag. Listen to your DD

I used to work in a school. It’s not unusual for women to move a man in, usually with no children or ones who live with them, who start taking control of discipline in the households. You can always see how defeated these children are by it. Even if they try to get involved with what is happening in school luckily they have no authority.
I have a friend who didn’t move in with her partner for years AND her children liked him. It can be done.

My second husband didn't actually live full time with me for a couple of years, because I had a 15 year old son, who would have found it awkward, so we waited until he was about to go to university. My husband kept his own house about 50 miles away near a City, it was also good for me to stay there when we had been out to the theatre or other entertainment not available in my town. It worked out well and both my sons got on well with my husband, because they didn't feel he had been forced on them.

I'd be extremely surprised if the problem turns out to be that you're too understanding.

Well all you people who think parents should run roughshod over their kids to park their partners in their homes even if the child is so miserable about it that they leave should be delighted about this situation. OP gets to marry the boyfriend who acts so imperiously towards the child who's not his daughter and fights with her mother about her, child leaves and gets to live elsewhere where she's happier. What's the problem?

Well OP’s not listening to DD and she’s moving to her dad’s so it depends what kind of lonely OP wants.