AIBU to object to my 13-year-old daughter moving in with her dad?

Thankfully my father didn't remarry until I was 18 but there was no way I could have shared MY HOME with my stepmother so I left.
I hope the daughter builds a new HOME with her father and his new family.

The fact the OP hasn't responded is also a little worrying tbh, hopefully everything is ok there.

Ultimately I think the majority of people are just trying to help her salvage her relationship with her child.

She can definitely still have a relationship, I don't think she should have to stay single forever but she has to make sure she is choosing the right partner and that the child is comfortable living with them.

Why isn't the partner trying to work on ways to improve his relationship with the child? If his laying down the law and interfering is pushing the child away then they should both know he needs to back off with that.

Surely he should want a good relationship with the child and also for the mum and daughter to have one too. No good, well intentioned person wants to come between their partner and their child.

I get a child might act out but this is pretty extreme for it to have gone so far as to let her dad believe he needs to take out a court order.

I don't understand your point, this isn't her dad telling her off and shouting at her. It's her mum's boyfriend.

Her mum even disagrees with him, which is why they also row about it.

You're comparing apples and oranges.

Sure... but why should ANYONE be forced to live with yet another random man that she doesn't get on with?

Every kid can go off the rails for a number of reasons. But surely a parent should be doing everything to avoid this.. like stop thinking of your latest shag before your kids.

Ask Galadriel. She's the one who thinks the primary concern here should be MN's supposed vilification of men 🤷‍♀️

No but many of them have dreadful relationships with their parents with frequent nasty rows, swearing, violence etc. So kids in nuclear families aren’t necessarily happier or immune from going off the rails.

Perhaps this is the third (at least) man she’s not related to that her mum has made her share a home with and as she’s a teenager now she’s decided she doesn’t want to live with an unrelated male? Let alone one she doesn’t get on with. Fair enough if you ask me.

Maybe mum should have been a bit less keen to move in multiple men with her daughter over the years, she’s had enough.

The issue I think is your partner. I don’t think you need to break up with him, you just need to tell him to back off and that discipline will be done by you. I think agree this with him then sit down the 3 of you and agree to make a fresh start.

What do children of parents who are married do, when there isn't another home to run too.

Well presumably children of nuclear family setups don't also have Mummy moving a revolving door of men into their homes?

probably not, if she doesn't live for any real amount of time, chances are her experience at that house are more like a guest, rather than a member of the household expected to do chores. Or maybe she does but her dad is the one parenting her appropriately and she is happy there.

The problem here is that OPs boyfriend disagrees with OPs parenting style and imposes his own strict rules and punishments for not adhering to his rules. Wrong on all levels to be honest.

Maybe she’ll try to pull this shit with her stepmum once she moves in but she probably won’t because she already knows her dad wouldn’t pick her. He’s happy to wade in and make court applications when it’s about his ex wife though.

And why has the female OP been almost unanimously condemned by the responses?

The ops not said anything to be concerned about regarding the dad. Why would anyone vilify a man with no evidence?

If men are so vilified on this site, why is there such a strong consensus saying it's fine for the child to live with her dad?

Perhaps she hasn't been asked to do any chores.

"her dad is married with another child and she has no problem with their relationship"

What's she going to do when her dad gets a partner who expects her to do chores.

What do children of parents who are married do, when there isn't another home to run too.

At her age she can make her own decisions. Whether they are the right ones who knows. Part and parcel of splitting up and having two homes In afraid that the child's living circumstances may change.

jesus op - chose your daughter not a man!

I don't think it's a case of vilifying the man, it should 100% raise the same concerns despite the sex of the partner.

I know men and women who have had awful stepmothers.

A very close relative and another friend of mine also grew up with "Disney dads" whilst their mothers struggled alone doing all the hard work and taking the emotional backlash and brunt of everything with very little thanks or appreciation in those days.

I still think there is more to this than the OP is letting on.

She doesn't have to immediately end her relationship but she should be taking her daughter's feelings/concerns seriously and taking the necessary steps to get to the bottom of it.

If that means her relationship takes a bit of a step back for a while then so be it, her partner should completely understand and she won't have to live with regrets that she never stood by her child and should have taken her distress/trauma seriously.

If it turns out that the daughter is just going through a difficult phase (which could still be because her emotional needs aren't being met at home) then at least the mum can know she did everything she could to ensure her child's safety and repair her relationship with her.

That's really interesting, I don't think I've been to a wedding where they've been dating less than 3 years. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and it still feels too soon for me to move in together and neither of us have kids.

However, this website always vilifies the man.

First of all, it doesn't. It's just female centred, which is unusual and precisely why we attract so many angry MRA types who think a forum of mostly women is morally failing if it reflects its demographic rather than acting like the Old Bailey. There are very few places like this, so they come here. (If you want to fight sexism, start with the manosphere. It's bigger and it's worse.)

Secondly, and more importantly though, this is an absolutely shitty premise to start from when looking at this situation. You demonstrate that your priority is not the security, safety or wellbeing of either the child or OP, but whether or not men in general are coddled enough in a female centred space. The child is being forced to live with an unrelated man whom she has demonstrated she is unhappy with, and would rather live with her father and his other family than be subjected to that, and your first and primary thought is "well what about men on MN, they're such victims"?

You say you were a shit as a teen, ok I believe you, but that's just as irrelevant as your overarching priority being women coddling men on MN. It really doesn't matter that a largely female forum centres women or that you were an arse as a teen. Try looking at something other than women prioritising men, and yourself.

I'm not saying I'm necessarily right. None of us can gauge the situation from a forum post. However, this website always vilifies the man.

Teenage girls can be absolute little cows. I certainly was. I was drinking and smoking weed by 15 and absolutely hated my mum half the time despite the fact she only had my best interests at heart. I loved my dad because he let me get away with murder. I only ever argued with him when he was supporting my mum, and in retrospect he was 100% right. I'd have hated a stepdad for sure.

The dad has moved on and it's possible the only reason the daughter has no issue is because she hasn't had to live with them. If she's getting the hump about being asked to do chores by her future stepdad after running rings around her mum for years is she going to be happy with the stepmum laying down the rules when she moves in with her dad? Because with a younger child and having been with the dad much longer it's likely the stepmum will see it as 'her house' to a much greater degree than the mum's partner will.

There have been countless threads on here about spoilt daughters who've been given everything and yet tell their mums they hate them all the time, especially when asked to tidy their rooms etc. Often there's a 'Disney dad' in the background who doesn't have to do any of hard stuff - get them up in the morning and enforce homework/bedtimes etc.

Often it's all movie nights etc with the dad and we frequently see teenagers wanting to go and live with the dad because they're allowed to stay up as late as they want etc. OP could cancel her wedding and still end up with a grumpy teenager. That'd be a hard pill to swallow when daughter moves out and OP is single and lonely and her husband to be has moved on.

"She has lived with a couple over the years".
A couple of what?
How many children do you have, op?

From my own childhood experience I can't even begin to tell you how wrong and damaging this outlook is.

I think it is far more likely that the OP has codependent tendancies (perhaps due to their own trauma) and is in complete denial here. Often when people are in these relationships they can't see the wood from the trees. It is only once they are out of them that the blinkers come off.

The child isn't just taking a dislike to her mum's partner for no good reason. Her parents have been split up for most of her life so it's not something like acting out because she wants them to get back together.

She's not had an issue with mum's previous partners living with them and she doesn't have an issue with the dad's partner, so much so she is choosing to live with his partner over her mum's.

Something is going on here.

I suggested Sarah's law way back on the thread. The OP didn't bother to be reply. There's not a chance in hell I'd move an unknown man into my house with two daughters without this check. 33% of UK men have a criminal record.