To want to move back to england with my 5 children

I've been reading on and off since i posted and i keep seeing people saying im only interested in moving back for benefits and honestly its really upsetting.

Im not.

If i wanted an easy life i wouldn't have spent the last 11 years here raising children.

The reason im even thinking about England is because i want to protect my children from how things are becoming at home.

People keep talking about my oldest as though hes some terrible kid because i mentioned the shoplifting and trouble at school.

Hes not a bad kid.

Hes angry.

Theres a difference.

I dont blame him for being angry either.

Imagine being 15 and having your dad constantly aiming homophobic slurs at you because hes decided you must be gay.

My son says he isnt.

Not that it would matter if he was.

The reason his dad thinks it is because hes not interested in dating and doesnt spend all his time talking about girls.

My partner says all teenage boys think about girls and sex all the time and because my son doesnt talk about it he must be gay.

Its ridiculous.

And now my son is old enough to answer back and challenge him and it turns into arguments constantly.

People keep saying make friends and get a job as though ive never thought of that.

Before i got pregnant this time i told him i wanted a job.

The youngest was only a few months old but i was starting to feel more like myself again and wanted something outside the house.

He kept trying to talk me out of it.

Then i found out i was pregnant again.

This baby wasnt planned.

I know people probably wont believe that.

But after everything that happened with my youngest i genuinely thought our family was complete.

I had a traumatic birth, emergency c section, a premature baby and weeks of worry.

He was still in hospital and my partner was already talking about sex.

At the time i didnt really think about how odd that was.

Now i do.

When i found out i was pregnant again he was thrilled.

Kept talking about another baby.

Now suddenly because i think it might be a girl he doesnt seem nearly as enthusiastic.

Every mention of a daughter gets an eye roll or a comment or him saying hopefully not.

As for his family, people keep saying maybe they could persuade him.

They cant.

We were supposed to all go to England for Christmas and see everyone and then he cancelled it at the last minute.

His brother and sister were furious.

They havent seen the children since my 3 year old was born

They would probably have seen them last year if we'd gone.

His attitude is always if they want to see the children they can come here.

Something else a few people have pointed out that i hadn't really thought about.

I turned 19 a few months after my oldest was born.

My partner was 26.

Then i was 22 turning 23 when our second was born and he was 30.

We moved to Poland a few months later.

At the time i thought i was very grown up and knew exactly what i was doing.

Now im 34 and looking at my eldest getting closer to the age i was when i met his dad and it feels very strange.

Sorry this is long.

I think writing things down is making me realise how much ive just accepted over the years without really questioning it.

And if she returns she will pay tax, like everyone else, it won't be long before her oldest is out of school anyway.

Seriously people need to have some empathy.

Would you want to stay in a foreign country, isolated with a different culture, little chance to make friends, or build a support network.

All because someone seemed attractive when you were very young and very vulnerable?

Again how can she find a job when her youngest child hasn’t even been born?

It is great to be supportive but it isn’t as easy as just turning up.

If they are put in a B&B then it’s going to be overcrowded and who knows what other people will be there? I have seen plenty of these places.

Have a go if you like but I have lived in the UK all my life, worked without a break since I was 17 and never claimed a penny of benefits.

That’s disgusting. How much tax you personally pay? Are you a net contributor to the system?

usually the loudest are the ones who are net takers themselves

dont listen to people who moan about the fact you may need welfare if you get back here.

im as far as from benefits person as it gets, high earner yada yada but you will not be the country’s biggest problem if you manage to get back, you know what I mean? If you need support you need support and I hope you’ll find a way to get on your feet and move back and find a job and be happy.

The trouble is that you have legal barriers to just move and you are in abusive / controlling relationship. Try to find out what support you have in Poland, Polish equivalent of women’s aid.

When exactly do you think she can pay tax? It will be 5 years before her youngest will be at school and in that time she and her family are likely to need to be fully supported with benefits. And they will need a fairly big house. Plus she would have to be able to afford childcare if she does work.

The eldest is likely to need extra support as well.

It’s an awful situation but don’t think the answer is to come back to the UK.

She doesn’t have family here so she presumably wouldn’t be any better anyway. Why not move to a similar country as someone upthread suggested.

its possible to empathise while also not being able to accommodate her wishes

Have you never heard of VAT???
Nobody seems to get by without some 'non-essentials' in life.

She is still very young, as I suspected, with about 40 years of working life in front of her. Her children won't be young forever.

I've been reading on and off since i posted and i keep seeing people saying im only interested in moving back for benefits and honestly its really upsetting.

Im not.

If i wanted an easy life i wouldn't have spent the last 11 years here raising children.

The reason im even thinking about England is because i want to protect my children from how things are becoming at home.

People keep talking about my oldest as though hes some terrible kid because i mentioned the shoplifting and trouble at school.

Hes not a bad kid.

Hes angry.

Theres a difference.

I dont blame him for being angry either.

Imagine being 15 and having your dad constantly aiming homophobic slurs at you because hes decided you must be gay.

My son says he isnt.

Not that it would matter if he was.

The reason his dad thinks it is because hes not interested in dating and doesnt spend all his time talking about girls.

My partner says all teenage boys think about girls and sex all the time and because my son doesnt talk about it he must be gay.

Its ridiculous.

And now my son is old enough to answer back and challenge him and it turns into arguments constantly.

People keep saying make friends and get a job as though ive never thought of that.

Before i got pregnant this time i told him i wanted a job.

The youngest was only a few months old but i was starting to feel more like myself again and wanted something outside the house.

He kept trying to talk me out of it.

Then i found out i was pregnant again.

This baby wasnt planned.

I know people probably wont believe that.

But after everything that happened with my youngest i genuinely thought our family was complete.

I had a traumatic birth, emergency c section, a premature baby and weeks of worry.

He was still in hospital and my partner was already talking about sex.

At the time i didnt really think about how odd that was.

Now i do.

When i found out i was pregnant again he was thrilled.

Kept talking about another baby.

Now suddenly because i think it might be a girl he doesnt seem nearly as enthusiastic.

Every mention of a daughter gets an eye roll or a comment or him saying hopefully not.

As for his family, people keep saying maybe they could persuade him.

They cant.

We were supposed to all go to England for Christmas and see everyone and then he cancelled it at the last minute.

His brother and sister were furious.

They havent seen the children since my 3 year old was born

They would probably have seen them last year if we'd gone.

His attitude is always if they want to see the children they can come here.

Something else a few people have pointed out that i hadn't really thought about.

I turned 19 a few months after my oldest was born.

My partner was 26.

Then i was 22 turning 23 when our second was born and he was 30.

We moved to Poland a few months later.

At the time i thought i was very grown up and knew exactly what i was doing.

Now im 34 and looking at my eldest getting closer to the age i was when i met his dad and it feels very strange.

Sorry this is long.

I think writing things down is making me realise how much ive just accepted over the years without really questioning it.

That’s if she doesn’t get pregnant again. She’s only 34

Have you never heard of VAT???
Nobody seems to get by without some 'non-essentials' in life.

She is still very young, as I suspected, with about 40 years of working life in front of her. Her children won't be young forever.

When exactly do you think she can pay tax? It will be 5 years before her youngest will be at school and in that time she and her family are likely to need to be fully supported with benefits. And they will need a fairly big house. Plus she would have to be able to afford childcare if she does work.

The eldest is likely to need extra support as well.

It’s an awful situation but don’t think the answer is to come back to the UK.

She doesn’t have family here so she presumably wouldn’t be any better anyway. Why not move to a similar country as someone upthread suggested.

its possible to empathise while also not being able to accommodate her wishes

I've been reading on and off since i posted and i keep seeing people saying im only interested in moving back for benefits and honestly its really upsetting.

Im not.

If i wanted an easy life i wouldn't have spent the last 11 years here raising children.

The reason im even thinking about England is because i want to protect my children from how things are becoming at home.

People keep talking about my oldest as though hes some terrible kid because i mentioned the shoplifting and trouble at school.

Hes not a bad kid.

Hes angry.

Theres a difference.

I dont blame him for being angry either.

Imagine being 15 and having your dad constantly aiming homophobic slurs at you because hes decided you must be gay.

My son says he isnt.

Not that it would matter if he was.

The reason his dad thinks it is because hes not interested in dating and doesnt spend all his time talking about girls.

My partner says all teenage boys think about girls and sex all the time and because my son doesnt talk about it he must be gay.

Its ridiculous.

And now my son is old enough to answer back and challenge him and it turns into arguments constantly.

People keep saying make friends and get a job as though ive never thought of that.

Before i got pregnant this time i told him i wanted a job.

The youngest was only a few months old but i was starting to feel more like myself again and wanted something outside the house.

He kept trying to talk me out of it.

Then i found out i was pregnant again.

This baby wasnt planned.

I know people probably wont believe that.

But after everything that happened with my youngest i genuinely thought our family was complete.

I had a traumatic birth, emergency c section, a premature baby and weeks of worry.

He was still in hospital and my partner was already talking about sex.

At the time i didnt really think about how odd that was.

Now i do.

When i found out i was pregnant again he was thrilled.

Kept talking about another baby.

Now suddenly because i think it might be a girl he doesnt seem nearly as enthusiastic.

Every mention of a daughter gets an eye roll or a comment or him saying hopefully not.

As for his family, people keep saying maybe they could persuade him.

They cant.

We were supposed to all go to England for Christmas and see everyone and then he cancelled it at the last minute.

His brother and sister were furious.

They havent seen the children since my 3 year old was born

They would probably have seen them last year if we'd gone.

His attitude is always if they want to see the children they can come here.

Something else a few people have pointed out that i hadn't really thought about.

I turned 19 a few months after my oldest was born.

My partner was 26.

Then i was 22 turning 23 when our second was born and he was 30.

We moved to Poland a few months later.

At the time i thought i was very grown up and knew exactly what i was doing.

Now im 34 and looking at my eldest getting closer to the age i was when i met his dad and it feels very strange.

Sorry this is long.

I think writing things down is making me realise how much ive just accepted over the years without really questioning it.

And if she returns she will pay tax, like everyone else, it won't be long before her oldest is out of school anyway.

Seriously people need to have some empathy.

Would you want to stay in a foreign country, isolated with a different culture, little chance to make friends, or build a support network.

All because someone seemed attractive when you were very young and very vulnerable?

Presumably if they had lived here all along at least one of the adults would have at least been paying tax

If he hadn't persuaded her to move countries the UK would be supporting her any way.

Charity begins at home, as a nation we should support UK people before we support asylum seekers or anyone else.

She must have been very young when she met him, absolute most 25. And a kid out the UK care system.

I'll take a guess she was actually a teen mum, groomed by him, the UK absolutely should support her.

No not if you have been out of the country over a certain amount of time. You would need to pass tests or wait a period of time. I can't remember what it is called.

Because growing up in care without the guidance of parents or a family has probably led to these poor choices. Plus it doesn't just take one person to make a baby? The responsibility should surely lie with the husband too?

If you fell on hard times who would you run to? Who would look after you?

What does that have to do with it? Eligibility for government money isn’t dependent on whether someone had made unfortunate choices.