AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

Are girls different from boys didn’t have any emergencies with my lot they did come home but nothing regular even. In he first year

I'd find this really, really selfish.
You chose to have her here but now rip away her home and community. Being away for such a long time will make her feel abandoned. It's like you're washing your hands off her.

I wouldn't in her first year - it's a huge adjustment, and she will want to lean on you for support. I needed my parents a lot in the first 2 years of Uni, granted I did have stuff going in which meant I needed them more but being able to go back home and see them on weekends was so important to me and clearly she feels the same right now - in a year or two it might be totally different once she's had time to settle, make friends and make her own way in the world. Can understand your side too though, maybe you could go for 1-2 months rather than the whole winter?

My eldest is 18 and starting uni in September. I would never in a million years leave the country for half the year.

Maybe her 3rd year, but as a first year without your home to go back to as an older teen Is just rubbish. She’s only 18. She needs you more now than ever!

i barely came home when I went to uni, I got a job and made a life there. If you were my mum, the plan would be fine!

Given and seems upset I’d hold off on the full winter plan. Your revised plan sounds fine. You might find it’s a non issue if she settles in well.

My parents did something similar. My dad worked abroad and my mum moved to join him once I went to uni. I encouraged her to go, told her I'd be fine, expected to be fine. Then completely fell apart. It was awful.

I just felt like I had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to when things went wrong. Friends went home to catch up with school friends for birthdays and occasions, they had Christmas at home, they could go get a hug from their mum when they got dumped or fell out with their housemates etc etc.

It wasn't the end of the world, I coped, but it was WAY harder than I expected and I wouldn't recommend it if it's not necessary. At least stay through the first year if you can.

Why are people so intent on infantilising their DC as they approach adulthood? It’s one thing to provide love and support but adolescent is meant to be about growing into becoming a fully functioning adult not just being an oversized child. Being in a different country whilst your child is at university is fine @Heymommy

@MeetMeOnTheCorner

What your, or my uni students want to do at at Christmas isn't relevant.

If you read the ops updates, her DD wants to be with the family abroad at Christmas, as usual.
They are not selling the family home. They will still be in the UK from Easter to October.
They aren't making her homeless and you have no idea what longer term provisions they are making.
For all we know the parents may be able to give her a deposit.
Its you who had made a massive assumption - as well as not reading the thread

Face time is not the same as popping home. It’s far too long to leave her. My DDs didn’t come home much but DD1 had reading weeks and did volunteering from home and then did some work experience when based here at Christmas.

Theres also the ludicrous assumption she will be able to afford housing when she has a degree. Thousands of grads don’t get jobs at all! So just leaving her with all this uncertainty feels selfish and unkind. Visit relatives for a few weeks but maintain a home here for DD. Surely she means more than relatives abroad?

This is the best compromise.

Your DD is probably very nervous about this next chapter if her life and knowing you’ve left for another country weeks after she’s moved to university probably makes her feel she’s being abandoned. You’re not, but I think you’ll should postpone your plans for at least her first year.

By the time you sell your house and are ready to move, DD will be halfway through her course and ready to let you go.

Do you intend to downsize to a lock-and-go flat where you can all stay when in the UK?

I haven't RTFT but thought I would chime in with some experience:

I went to uni in a different country from where my parents were living and loved it but I wanted to go and they lived in a different country when I was at (boarding) school too so it wasn't at all weird or difficult for me to be away from my parents like that. Can an 18 year old live in a different country from their parents? Yes, absolutely, and especially if they want to. (OP, I see you had a similar experience.)

DS has just finished Y1 uni, a 4 hour drive away from where we live now. Honestly, it took him a while to settle (til Easter) and he came home more often than I thought he would given the expense and the distance. I am glad we were able to be here for him.

Given what you have said about your daughter, in your place, I would hold off for another year until she's settled. You'll know when she settles, and that will be the time to prepare to move.

Good luck. x

@Heymommy

There is of course that little thing called face time
My Goddaughter lives and works in Dubai.
She is very close to her mum - they do a video call a few times a week and still manage to be part of each other's lives.
You could agree to set aside a regular time to 'share " a cup of tea or even a meal
A former colleague of mine used to read her nieces and nephews in Argentina, stories from birth. She went home once a year, the children knew who she was.
There are ways to stay connected and be supportive

I think you are being a bit short sighted here - she will perhaps want to come home or need you sometimes so go to her? My Dd was plagued with illness from freshers week onwards. She felt overwhelmed and so she came home for nights. I took her to the gp and nursed her better. They all don’t take to uni like ducks to water. My dd said she struggled as myself and my ex h did so much for her ( which is true) so she didn’t have the skills. We did try to teach her before she went but she just liked being looked after and as we were doing it all your younger dd, we couldn’t just stop.

It might just be nerves talking too in case she hates uni

Does she get reading weeks in Oct/feb? If so you could go between those? Then it’s only really November and January she won’t see you. Are you keeping the house on, empty? She could pop home still just you won’t be there! How long is your home town from her uni?

Maybe its a generational thing but I was a very sheltered girl when I went to university yet I hardly ever went home. Parents didn't visit. If you are paying for flights for me to join you on school holidays in a sunny country I'd have been very happy with the situation

Not good enough, OP, you should be helping others in your free time outside of work too. This will stop you focusing on your own selfish desires

I feel for you OP as I also suffer from SAD; but I understand your daughter too and think you may have to wait a bit longer; at least until she is settled ; but maybe travel more often to your home country,

My DD went off to Uni in the UK at 17. We live in Frnace. Lots of friends and family within an hour. She want and saw her DGM once in the first 2 years and once in the 4th. No one else ever.