AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

What’s your long term plan? To move to your home country permanently?

I suggest you read your op. And don’t tell me what to do @Heymommy

You said “they gain new lives”, “we would return in an emergency”, “she can fly to us when she wants to” (clearly a joke when it’s 8 hours!), “parents are usually just hanging around by the phone”, “child is an adult now” etc. You clearly see your role as a parent is over. Very odd the way your needs, which seem very exaggerated, trump hers. Therefore, as a mother, I’d go for a much shorter period of time. You asked the question!

I voted YANBU, but I'm not English. I left home and moved to the other side of the world at 19 (which wasn't unusual at the time), so I find it shocking there seem to be so many young adults now who require mollycoddling. Having said that, if my child was vulnerable and would fail to thrive without another year or two of support, I would stay. I wonder why she feels she needs you (I don't mean that in a bad way)? Why does she not trust herself to start living her life? If something goes wrong, you said you'll fly back. If she just wants a weekend with you, she can fly to you or perhaps you can both meet someone else and have a nice weekend away. It's just such an exciting time, full of opportunity (for you both), that I'm surprised she needs such a safety net.

I think it would be fine, she can face time you. Go and enjoy it, she will be fine. She will fly out for Christmas and see you then, which isn’t long at all.

YANBU OP. Children should know their parents are full people in their own right and deserve to live the life they have - to some degree - put on hold while devoting their time, energy and resources to giving their children a wonderful upbringing.

You are moving locations for part of the year, not changing your name, throwing your phone away and disappearing in the dead of night never to be seen again.

There is a lot of infantilising on this thread! I can only give my experience, which is that I went away to a uni that was 8 hours travel from home. As my parents worked I knew there was no way they could pop along to see me at the drop of a hat, and neither they nor I could pop home at a weekend. But we had the phone for any wobbles I had! This was really important for me as I am autistic, and this was a really good way of me learning to be independent. I went home at Xmas and during the summer, although for the last two years I stayed near uni and worked during the summer and my parents came to visit me instead.

Uni is about gaining independence and flying the nest in a safe and supportive way. If you don't let your children do it now, when will they get the chance?

The thing is you cant predict how things are going to go once she starts

My daughter stared uni last September after taking a year out (so a year older than yours)

She really struggled the first few months, with making friends, the change in work load and just finding her feet. She was back a couple of weekends a month just for comfort. Just knowing she could do that stopped her from quiting

Fast forward to now and she doesn't want to come home, has a great social life and boyfriend and loves the course and uni life. But those early days were very touch and go and she really needed to be able to just come home to us when she was struggling

Stay in the UK for the first winter, until she finds her feet and is confident, but make it clear that being abroad is the plan for subsequent years.

If it were me, I'd wait another year. First year especially is a very varying experience for young people. Sometimes there are significant academic mismatch of expectations, also finding their feet socially, adjusting to halls and even finding friends to rent with for the following year, can be emotive. I think the transition to Uni can be big enough without your parents being far away. Also many first years return home every month or so for a weekend. Maybe not the first month or two of Uni when things feel new and exciting, but there's a point where reality sets in.

Can you wait until 2nd year or 3rd year of Uni? Or go for shorter periods of time? Does she have other family here or very close family friends that could fill in? If it were me I wouldn't contemplate leaving the country for the winter this year and if I did second year I'd do it for shorter periods to see how it goes.

I'm not into baby-ing young people but there's also not some magic button at 18 where suddenly you are a fully formed adult who has drastically different needs, skills and formal supports, compared to at age 17. I think there can be a huge shift that takes place, but so much of that first year of Uni is requiring growth in other ways, having consistency with your parents can be key.

Listen to your DD.

Also, exams take place in January, will she want to travel for Christmas? She may want to revise.

I think maybe give it 6 months and see, but ultimately your DD is 18 now and you can’t stick around forever incase she might want to pop by. My DD is also 18, just sitting A levels, and we are both relocating in August, 250 miles away. She has known for years the intention, as I cannot afford to buy here in South East, but can there in the North West (and I grew up there so have family / friends still). She is actually happy to come, but could have stayed at her dad’s house with her brother and his gf) if she really didn’t want to come. But I wouldn’t have changed my plans incase she wanted to pop back to the South East and visit me there. I need to think of my future, and paying off a mortgage before I retire. I’d just hold off short term, and then go.

Wait to see how he settles in the first term; for what she said she may feel abandoned if you just go off as soon as she starts university; like she was a bother and you couldn’t wait her to be off. I know this is not the case as I also find winters depressing in the UK.

One thing that helped me last winter was joining Virgin active for the pool, jacuzzi and steam room. It made a difference, plus all the vitamins. I know is not the same as I also dream of escaping the UK each winter since I moved here many years ago

I think the fact she’s upset about it makes it clear. I’d put it off for the first year, or at least until after Christmas when she might feel more confident and settled.

God no

I'm a Brit and couldn't go home easily as a student due to families location so I wasn't popping back between terms. I don't think American students do keep popping back either as distances are significant here.
Issue isn't the basic idea but the fact that the dd is unhappy with it. My dc have chosen to go to UK and while I support it I would also have supported a USA destination.

When I was at university I didn’t know anyone who ever went home in the terms - they’re only about 10 weeks after all. We did have the mid term parent visit where they would come, take us out for lunch and load up the fridge but that
wasn’t every parent - mine only did it in term 1 and 3.

We live in Australia and my son is considering universities in the U.K. and Asia because in Sydney nearly everyone stays at home for uni and he thinks that sounds boring - and I agree! Unfortunately the best universities are here in Sydney so there’s no point going to a different city.

Anyway, as someone else said, you know your own child but if she’s really worried about it, maybe go for a month the first year and then extend it in future years.

You know your child more than anyone on here OP

From personal experience
I went to Uni and didn’t return home till Christmas.
and all three of my children were the same
We were all more than happy to enjoy our independence

Since you’ve said you’ll return home in a heartbeat if needed I think you’ve thought it through and found a compromise if needed

@onlygeese It’s a thing with some uk students to come home and visit friends. Birthday events etc mean they want to come home occasionally. Many students like their friends who haven’t gone to university and do like to keep in touch. Maybe that’s what she’s thinking and it’s not every weekend! Maybe once or twice a term. Some dc even quite like the idea of seeing their parents, siblings and pets occasionally. Don’t Americans ever touch base with parents? After all, staying in state usually gives a fee reduction.

Our dc are going to UK uni and we are in the USA, so they won't be popping home for weekends. What you're suggesting doesn't sound unreasonable but obviously it's making your dc uncomfortable.
It sounds as though you may need to find a compromise.

@Heymommy You wrote that your DD is upset! I responded to that comment plus you thought university is a completely new life, and by implication you could disappear for months. Now you are rowing back on that but that wasn’t in your op. Not all students can be self sufficient at 18/19 and she’s saying she might not be. You are ignoring her. It looks cold and selfish I’m afraid.

My parents did this - I was 19 and a full adult. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to need my parents at my beck and call at that age. Id already been travelling before university and couldn’t wait to get on with my grown up life.