AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

It's really interesting hearing about the differences in opinions about 18 year olds. I really didn't think people felt this way. I'm just trying to do the best for my daughter.
Someone suggested I waited 4 years I'm not sure how to respond to that. We are talking about a healthy girl/woman. How will she even learn to grow knowing mom is just home hanging around for her? I don't think it's a good example. But I'm hearing how difficult it is right now.
I don’t understand what you mean by hanging around for her. I was born in the UK, and unfortunately for me don’t have the option to work from anywhere or go home to escape the winter!
Two of my kids have gone to university in the UK and have grown up to be independent adults perfectly well despite me and their Dad setting a terrible example by living in our home being a couple of hours away. We’re not hanging around we’re living our lives!

I think your December - Feb/March compromise sounds fine. Coming from a dual nationality family myself, living or spending extended amounts of time in the other country is quite normal. Your daughter will acclimatise, although I do understand that it is a lot of change for her. However, you sound as if you are a good parent so will have given her the tools she needs to cope. All you can do is try it and see what happens. You can always come back if need be.

I think it was a bad idea to leave as soon as she started uni but going in December, having her come out and then coming back a bit later might be a good compromise. Starting uni is a huge adjustment for teenagers.

I would keep the tickets open if you can so if she's having a terrible time at uni you can come back earlier and if she's having a great time you can stay out till Easter.

I would present this as having listened carefully to her, considered her position and come up with a compromise - rather than saying you were put straight by people on MN! She'll feel much happier I:m sure if she thinks you're listening to her and trying to find a compromise that works for you both.

They don't all spend the first year in halls. Mine was in a 48 week tenancy from the start

Everyone thought I would breeze through uni but my first year was horrible - bullied in halls etc. I pretended everything was fine to my parents as I didn’t want to upset them but it was very much not. If they’d not been there, as a safe presence in our family home, it would have made things 10x worse. I would personally delay this plan until second year at least.

I don't think you should leave your child. I went home a lot from uni for weekends, especially in the first year when it was all a little scary.

You created this transatlantic (if that is what it is) life for your family so I think you should continue to deal with it.

I personally want to make sure my DS knows things are just the same at home when he starts in September, so he can come back whenever he wants to and feel that he has a solid base. In the first year, in halls, they'll be back more often than subsequent years, too. I would hold off until the end of university.

I would ( and do) spend time away in winters. However DS also has a perfectly good father he can go and spend time with if he wished.

It seems strange to me its considered necessary for parents to stay at home in case they eir kids want to visit but no obligation on the kids to return. MY DS didn't come home any weekends ( hard a nightclub job and friends) or any summers as working abroad and traveling in Europe on year and backpacking asia the next.

So why would I have needed to be say indoors just in case?

Yes that sounds fair enough. I was just thinking if your SAD is really terrible you could have a month in Tenerife or Spain in November and you'd be home before she was if needed and she's 4 hours away.

She is, thank you. She knows she has more to look forward to next year.
She's so outgoing and independent it was quite a shock to see her so depressed and sad all the time.
I hope your DD is doing better now too 😊

@Heymommy one piece of advice I would give is get her Menigitis jabs done before uni. You will need to pay for them privately but it’s a worry you can do without. I got my daughter vaccinated when there was the scare earlier this year ( she’s had both shots) so in a way that’s one worry off my mind ( though I know it’s not 100% that’s she’s safe from that deadly disease).

@AllGoodNamesRGone similar Dd to yours and yes mine struggled too! Not to that extent but her first semester wasn’t great, I also got the 2am calls as well. It settled down but she spent whole Easter break home then went for a week, went back for a week then came back again as she found it easier to study at home, it’s certainly not what I imagined. We all expect our children to have an amazing time and not want to come home but sadly sometimes once children fly the nest they feel quite vulnerable. I hope she’s ok now x

Yes, I did see you had said that.
For us, personally, we've had these issues upto her coming home a week ago.
The only silver lining is she met a great group of friends about two months ago and she will be sharing a house with them from September.
I'm sure if you have honest conversations with your daughter, the fact you're planning on staying until December, then only away for a couple of months - I think works well.
Ours was not a situation we anticipated and I'm sure we are in the minority.
I think you should also be able to have a new life outside of parenting now and I'm sure she'll understand that too.
I think between September and December you'll get a good feeling for how she's settling in.
I just wanted to give you our story, as things don't always pan out the way you expect.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

I don’t think your plan is unreasonable at all, but it does very much depend on your daughter, her character, her abilities, her needs. When I went to university (long before mobile phones or laptops) I was very independent, rarely called home and certainly never visited at weekends (I was about 4 hours away). My parents could have gone to the moon and I wouldn’t have cared, not because we weren’t on good terms, but because I didn’t need them at that time. When my own son went to university, he was similar, though we had more phone contact. My daughter is going this September and she is a different kettle of fish altogether and I know she will need more contact and support, possibly visits. Only you and her father really know what your child is like and what she needs.

Sorry just read all your updates, could you even wait until mid december and you all fly over together? I know she's 18 but travelling that far on her own might also be a bit of a worry for her? Then she could come back in January for uni and you could stay until march

Could you stick it out this winter for one more year just until she's done her first year at uni?
I don't think you'd be unreasonable to go but I personally wouldn't want to. My niece moved away to uni last september, 2.5 hours from home. She has been home a lot more than I expected, reading week etc and I think so much is on line now they seem to not be there that much. I would at least wait until DD at least starts uni to see how she'll settle in

I wouldn’t do it in her first year of uni, and I’d maybe plan on coming back for at least a week half way through your time away each year too. 18 is still very young to have your parents an eight hour flight away, and going off to uni can be unsettling for many and doesn’t always work out. She may feel abandoned and if something bad happens to her you’re miles away. I wouldn’t have liked my DM to do this and I don’t think I could do it to my DC. Don’t do it in her first year and maybe consider holding off until her twenties.

I wouldn’t consider it in her first year. I think I went home for Christmas in my first year, but was never welcome home after that, never had the option to just go home and be looked after a bit, and it drove a massive wedge between me and the rest of my family.

you sound as though you feel your life is on hold until she goes, then you can live how you want to. That must be awful for her to know (how ever well you think you are hiding it)

Could you get an air BnB for a month in November somewhere a shorter flight away but still warm and then take her to your country for Christmas them stay there until March? I was determined to go away to Uni but had a terrible first year in an awful house share and ended up home every weekend before dropping out. DS is going to uni close to home but still living out but I've told him not to make a habit of coming home all the time, but reading all these, I'll make sure he knows he's welcome home too! It is a difficult one. My parents did the same as you when we were much older ( I had small children ) and I can't say I didn't resent a bit that they never had Christmas with their GC until they got too ill to travel. I would spend every Christmas with my PIL. NOW Id love to bugger off to my parents home country for 3 months over winter!

As a parent of a DC the exact same age, I think YABVU and, in effect, chucking her out of home as soon as she goes to uni. When we have DC we had a duty of care to them. If you want to take that duty very literally then sure, it ends at the age of 18 or when they leave school. You've raised them to adulthood and after that you're not legally responsible for them any more. But I can't understand the mindset of any adult who would just bugger off an 8-hour flight away for six months of the year at that point.

I understand SAD - I have it myself - and I've often thought how amazing it would be to avoid the English winter. In fact, once DH and I are retired and the DC are proper adults who won't 'need' us any more I plan to spend a chunk of each miserable English winter somewhere where the sun shines. But I would no sooner do this the coming winter than I would stick pins in my eyes. 18-year-olds need to have a home to come to, they need to know their parents are there if they need them, that there is a warm bed and a hot meal waiting for them if they can't cope and need or just want to come home for a weekend or for the holidays. But you're essentially saying to her 'Nope, not doing that any more. You want to see us, you'll have to jump on a plane and fly for 8 hours, the home will be closed up and cold and no one is going to be there', which is horrible IMO and you sound very selfish to think that this is okay and she's just being a bit wet. Would it kill you to wait a bit longer?