AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

@Heymommy the specific advice is stay home the first semester then crack on. I can’t believe you are not getting it,

Yes I was a 2 hour flight away! And she has a home with her dad that she very happy to stay at as her sister was there anyway and her grandparents home is 20 mins away from uni. So one of them would have collected her if she was in distress as she’s very close to her grandparents. I am only saying that I did not imagine her first year would be so bumpy and I would never imagine she would get so sick and also struggle too! All kids are different but I’m saying approach with caution.

People are trying to tell you to stay at home just in case daughter wants mummy to hold her hand and cook a hot dinner. In other words how dare you have a life of your own rather than waiting around for any little want of DDs

If there was a genuine emergency I'm sure you'd find a way to be available. And it seems you've brought up to DD to be a confident traveller already so I suppose she could join you in the holidays if she wanted

Sometimes bad things happen to cause severe mental health stress in the 6 weeks of starting uni, well not even just sometimes, you said usually

@Heymommy Most 4 day trips are not 8 hours flight away and dd hasn’t got an option to see her mum as you originally said you were going for 6 months! Completely different!

@HeymommyYour opening post says October to Easter! Now you say just February! Which is it? Has dd a reading week in Feb?

Your experience is therefore different to mine

and sometimes the signs have been there but the immediate family was used to working around issues that it’s just normal life to them

ans sometimes bad things happen

I think the advice you are not listening to is although your daughter thinks she will be “fine” , you don’t know how it’s going to pan out. You can’t see into the future. I would rather be a few hours drive away than in another country for months. I did go away when dd was in her first month of uni but it was for 4 days and my ex h was available for her as well as his family.

DD got Covid 3 weeks into term and came home for a week.
She also came home a few other times (sometimes bringing friends) and I popped to see her at her request but she is less than 2 hours away
Its personal choice but I would not be out of the country for long periods just yet

The health thing is something to think about it. This was not serious, but my daughter had an episode of something like flu in her first term. She didn’t ask me to visit. But I did pop over and ended up staying the night as she looked so unwell. I bought her tablets, changed the sheets that she had drenched through, and stocked up her fridge with the right kind of food and drink.

Of course she didn’t need me there urgently. But she would not have felt comfortable at that stage to ask people around her to get her food and drink. It was nice to make her room clean and fresh again. This is not a ‘must have’ but it is a ‘nice to have’ for new students and it’s something worth considering.

Sorry if I have missed it, but I assume she won’t have to vacate her property in the holidays. Because that can be tricky without parents and a car.

I had neurotypical well-adjusted kids. But I have to say the start of uni for both of them was more ‘brutal’ than we ever predicted. It took a while for them to embed in their social lives and I was surprised how much we were emotionally needed in that time. I left for uni at 18 but had unapproachable parents so dealt with it all on my own. I don’t think that was the right thing at all as I felt unsupported and sad. I’m glad that I was there for my kids.

One of my kids is in their final year and has had some health problems. I am very glad that we have been here for them, either to visit or to bring them home when unwell.

I would listen to what your daughter is saying and work out a compromise from there. There is still time to adjust plans so that everybody is happy.

It's probably a fear of the unknown starting university, exams ongoing at the moment and basically realising she's growing up which has her reacting like this. Your plan sounds fine OP she's an 18 year old woman not an 8 year old child. Everyone has instant phone communication with everyone else so she'll be fine.

Some of the mumsnet martyrs would have you sitting around waiting to be useful until the kid was 30 ffs. Go live your life and I'm bloody jealous as Irish winters are uafásach.

My parents moved away when I was at university. My dad was offered an overseas position in Asia.

I won’t lie, I found it very hard, I felt like I had no base, or safe space when things were rough, or I just wanted to be in my own room at home. It made me feel very vulnerable at the time. I think I also stayed in unhealthy relationships & friendships longer than I should have, just because they gave me something to cling to. I felt if I walked away from those, I’d really be on my own. It also made the goodbyes with my parents (when they’d come home, or I’d be leaving after a visit) really emotional. They were far more emotional than they would have been had I just popped home for the weekend, because you knew it would be so long before you could see each other again.

All that said, I’m here now, unscathed and it did no lasting damage. I’ve had healthy relationships since then & it probably taught me resilience and self reliance. So the traumatic aspect of it was very much related to how it felt at the time.

As others have said, 18 is still so young. It’s your first experience of being away from home and I was desperately homesick for the first few terms. I needed my parents, as my anchor.

I don’t think I would go the first year. I think I would give your daughter the chance to adjust and see how she finds it.

I wouldn’t leave my DS or DD in their first year of university.

I understand that UK winters are hard for you too though, so I wish you well in your decision xx

Mother of a (finished exams last week) first year. A couple of thoughts:

Doesn’t leaving a house empty for more than 30 days invalidate your insurance cover?

Doesn’t your daughter have any school/local friends she’d dearly love to see?

Isn’t being away for so long really going to mess up your tax liabilities here and abroad?

Back to my experience this past year: I don’t think DD came home in term 1 (didn’t have a reading week and we are 4-5 hours away), BUT we visited her to spoil her with meals out/new clothes and stuff she’d forgotten to pack.

Despite the Uni published calendars, the academic year seems to vary A LOT depending on what you study and your modules. Yes there are some international students around for all the holidays (and various societies/welfare will organise things), but it does feel lonely when a flat empties for various reasons. Most are 18 and only just getting the hang of trying to adult.

In your position, get online to find cheap dates for flights and maybe do 3-4 week blocks this year if you really must.

Usually?? Wow obviously you know different people to me as I've not known of any MH problems ( especially severe ones) ,that appear in a few weeks after starting uni if they students haven't had them before. .

I’d wait it out for the first year - there is usually a lot of severe mental health problems that kick off around week 6 - late October early November and at the end of the first year

even if your child is usually ok, just getting in with the wrong crowd at the start can cause no end of problems for them

i think it’s too long to be away in first year. Start of with 2 extra weeks than you would usually go for this year and gradually increase the time you’re abroad in subsequent years.

"closed up and cold" 😂
Do you think OP lives in downton abbey or something, with cavernous halls and dust sheets over the furniture? Get an absolute grip!

"closed up" = unlock the door
"cold" = turn the heating on!
"hot meal" = she is 18! she should be able to cook for herself! It's not like she'll be living off cold gruel at uni.

Some posters have made some sensible points but the sad face excessive guilt tripping others are trying is just ridiculous!

At the end of the day WANTING her mum isn't the same as NEEDING her.
Feeling homesick or upset isn't life ending, it's completely normal for almost every uni student at some point. FWIW I agree that a compromise of being abroad something like Dec- March would be best, coupled with a week or two away in spain or somewhere else with cheap flights in November or whenever to help break up the winter. Then reconsider next year.

This is what I would do too

@MeetMeOnTheCorner

Fyi

'Mom' is very common in the midlands, as is mam in the north

@Cariad52Ditto here! We enjoyed holidays without dc when they were at university and afterwards. Waiting around we were not! But on occasions they came home to see friends. The op is approaching this like a job. It’s done and dusted when dc reach 18. I imagine not British - using word Mom. I do think overseas students know parents are a long flight away, but many British based students like Mom around for very occasional visits!