AIBU to spend winters abroad once my daughter starts university?

I am sure your DD will cope absolutely fine with your plan of being abroad. Plenty of people cope with far worse after all. The fact that you are keeping the family home and not moving away permanently makes it a good idea.

The tricky bit is going to be sorting through what's a minor crisis and what is "no I need to get in the 8 hour flight and return home now" from a distance away when everything is new for both of you. A bout of flu or a fall out with flatmates can be two difficult weeks or it can be the thing that derails her entire first term. A young person I know of cut his hand quite badly during freshers week and although it didn't seem that big of a deal at the time, it tipped him into dropping out because he couldn't wash, couldn't write, couldn't get himself to health appointments to deal with the stitches and it all became too much and too isolating for him. I wouldn't have flown home for a cut hand if I were the parent and eight hours away, but being there might have made it better. I would like to think my DC would have either coped better or asked for help more effectively but I just don't know.

Ideally if there could be a family member or close friend in the country your DD could call on during the first term it two it would be better

Having lived in a warm climate for over a decade myself, I sympathise with your need to escape the grim UK grey winters.

My daughter attends a university a short flight away, she is independent and has been used to travelling alone from a young age, and she was keen to explore a new country when she went to study. However, she really needed to come home and feel secure and loved/pampered every 6 weeks or so. As others have experienced , her university halls flatmates were a little unpleasant, unfriendly, and did a lot of drugs. It took her a while to settle. Emotionally she found it vital to be able to come home every 6-8 weeks, and home was wherever I was. In your shoes , I think I would go as you suggest in late November/early December, see her at Christmas break for as long as possible, but be available to her again in the UK by the end of February.

If she has a half term week off in mid February then I would consider flying her abroad to me for that break too and then extend my warm stay abroad until the end of March. Good luck with finding the best compromise.

I’d aim to give it a year, let her find her feet and make sure she settles and finds a good friendship group. She’s really still a kid with a massive life adjustment pending.

She will likely be fine. Suck it and see.

Do you not have a job ?

@Thechaseison71 Most people I’ve known with dc around the world see them max twice a year and for some £500 each and extensive flying IS an issue. However they are GB passport holders and live here. They are not duel nationalities who rather have a foot in both camps!

The Chinese point is interesting. A friend’s DS works there and lived with his Chinese girlfriend. They wanted to marry. Her parents said no and took her “home”. She was forced to marry someone else and now has dc. She writes to my friend’s DS. Totally awful. I cannot say my friend found it easy being a mum so far away.

Yes I know But the 4.5 hours is far enough that I don't get to see my UK grandchildren more than a couple of times a year.

And I do actually spend 2 months a year abroad making Australia nearer than the UK ( I have a NZ passport also)
.
Besides there are other places for DC to emigrate you know One of OHd is Malaysia which you can actually travel to for under £<500

Oh and thinking about it another friend has a son living in China, married to a Chinese woman and she goes over there to see them. They DIL and child never come to UK though( think might be visa issues)

Mmm, I’ve been thinking about this thread and in all honesty, I wouldn’t move yet. DD has now finished her degree but during that first year, she was home loads. She needed us emotionally, which is something I hadn’t anticipated. I have cancer and I think part of her many visits, was to check in with me. I reassured her that as lovely as it was to see DD, I would keep her posted on scan results and my well being etc. That reassured her and by the second and third year, she came home less.

Just hold off any plans of moving for now, I would. DD may need you more than you expect.

@Thechaseison71 Aus and NZ are more than 4.5 hours! You need money to see them every year! My dc have great lives here. Excess heat etc in Aus isn’t for them and one would never have her career or earnings there! Depends what you want I guess.

I’d probably wait until my dd was settled at uni, and only go if she was happy with my choice. When she’s in second year I would definitely go, all being well.

Oh my partner is perfectly happing with his adult kids living abroad, they have better life than in the UK. My own DS is planning it as well and I don't mind in the slightest

As for relationships with grandchildren, well I have a set that are 4.5hours away in the UK I see maybe twice a year so abroad wouldn't be much difference

@Thechaseison71 I don’t think many parents relish losing dc to the other side of the world either! Plus what do that permanently at 18? Most parents I know with dc in Aus or NZ understand why dc are there but I’ve never met any who actively like it. The dc have gone as adults and keeping relationships going can be hard! Relationships with grandchildren very difficult.

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe

The great thing about advice is that you are not obliged to accept any one individual's 'specific ' advice.
Your advice may be to wait a term, other people don't agree.
As far as I can see the op has made some adjustments to her original plan, been clear that the family home is not being sold and that her DD is ok with the plan.

@Heymommy could you not just wait until your daughter is say…30 or something like that, as in a proper established adult before you consider living away in the winter?

But it's ok when the adult children move the other side of the world? Crazy

I went to uni a three hour flight away from my parents at the age of seventeen. My choice. I’d fly home to see them four times year ie all holidays.

Was it hard at times? Yes. Did it help me build resilience and become an adult? Also yes.

I’d do it. You’ll be in the Uk six months of the year and you’ll also break up the other six months with Christmas. It’s fine.

In terms of moving
People here were talking about parents moving house away from kids school friends
That particular comment wasnt about moving abroad

so yes I know many many people that have moved
some involving kids moving school
some whilst kids stayed at the same school
and after kids left for Uni to another part of the country

Thinking about it I also know of parents that moved abroad, whilst dc at Uni. Son eventually moved to another country for work too

But that’s not actually what the conversation relating to my comment was about anyway
It was about moving within the same country

@WhatsAWeekend I know no one who moved or downsized when dc was at university. My DC boarded and they had friends scattered about but liked home! It gave security. If dc cannot get a job after uni, and 1 in 8 grads doesn’t, what then if you have retired to the back of beyond or abroad? University has changed and dc are now by no means certain to earn enough to live independently or even earn at all!

Maybe stay one more winter (unless you have a pressing need to go, like elderly parents to look after etc). After that first year - crack on! They will have gotten used to independent living by then

I wouldn’t do this but then I wouldn’t ever deliberately move 8 hours away from my dd.

I don’t think you ever stop needing your mum, I’d be upset if my mum did this and I’m 47 🙈😂

Yes, that’s completely mad. If your eighteen year old can’t stay in touch with old school friends who’ve stayed local off his/her own bat, it really isn’t a reason to stay living somewhere.

Does that really mean moving house is never OK if you’ve got children with friends

Thats madness

Is semester a term? If so she's doing that anyway and not leaving until December

I echo this. We live in the Home Counties and as our youngest has gone to Uni - we want to move to central London only 30 mins on the train - but she is deeply close to all her school friends - she has just finished first year and her Xmas holidays at home with all her mates reconnecting was magical for her - same now in summer holidays. If you want to go out - maybe go after Xmas for 3 months - and if she has a reading week half way in that term plan for her to come out to you. Their friendships and home town anchors are very precious and foundational in these uncertain times. I wouldn’t risk any emotional upset at this early age when you have got her so far.

@DoesthislookgoodOnMe I think most of us do! It’s a bit like starting school all over again - unexpected glitches and bugs!