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Original poster

Exhausted balancing my AuADHD and NT child's needs?

38 replies

CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 11:04

Hi all,

I am posting here for traffic. I have a year 4 high functioning AuADHD dc with PDA, and rejection sensitivity disorder.

I am finding his behaviour progressively exhausting. I know he cannot help it. We are currently waiting for the medication to reach a therapeutic effect after numerous trials of others. Mornings are horrendous and his NT younger sibling struggles with the behaviour, so I am finding myself pulled in both directions to try to please both of them. I am utterly drained before I even leave the house, then I see all of the parents with their NT kids strolling on, I feel terrible for being envious. Some really do not understand fully either, but I wouldn't either if the shoe was on the other foot. How can you truly understand anything unless you're actively living it.

My youngest has a club after school, and walking home one to one he said, "Mummy, it is so lovely and quiet, I am really pleased X isn't here shouting and talking over me." It was heartbreaking to hear him say that .
I also realise what a doddle it is with NT child, and dealing with behaviour. I adore dc1 and wouldn't change him personality wise for the world, but I would take his struggles away in a heartbeat; it is painful to see. I dread pickups, waiting to see how his day was, if a member of staff will come out with him. I dread when the school ring, thinking what has happened now. The kind of profile he has can be extremely demanding, and I feel I have ran out of energy after years of it.
The things I am also finding challenging to navigate is that he can do a 360 on tasks e.g, he is okay for a task at school then majorly dysregulated, and vice versa. The school must think I'm crazy, as I will ask them to make a reasonable adjustment then suddenly he is fine now to do it. He is highly intelligent, above average which I feel is complicating the situation even more.
I am not sure what I am really looking for from this thread, maybe some similar experiences.

Thank you.

OP posts:
drspouse · 10/06/2026 18:40

For the "walking on eggshells" feelings I highly recommend ADHD Dude. He's basically turned our family life round. We find that once you remove a trigger, another thing becomes triggering. We try very hard not to remove triggers...
Also is there a reason you aren't trying a stimulant? We started with that and it helped, and it's first line of treatment where there are no medical reasons not to. DS now also takes a non stimulant though it's a very low dose, but it really helps to have both.

AnythingNotEverything · 10/06/2026 18:39

@CoffeeandCakeEnvy It might be really helpful to focus on his strengths. My AUDHD PDA kid is hard work BUT she is always sharp as a tack, hilarious, brilliant at packing for a trip away and super stylish. That will help you to help him with his own self image.

Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 10/06/2026 18:35

It's soooo hard.

Juggling work, life and NT kids is hard enough. Then you add all the exhaustion, guilt and worry that comes with extra needs.

I have two ND kids but with very different needs, traits and personalities and it feels impossible to meet both their needs to the point we have discussed having two homes. They really rub each other up the wrong way a lot. It's utterly exhausting.

Original poster
CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 18:21

AnythingNotEverything · 10/06/2026 18:05

We’re in a similar boat. I have nothing really to add other than trying to identify the triggers, maintain your boundaries, and work with him rather than against him.

Raising kids like ours is so hard on their nervous system. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Thank you, I hope you get some time to yourself. I worry about his future, especially the teenage years. He is only 9, and I just feel so guilty, like I have caused it genetically. Undoubtedly dh is autistic, and adhd for me I suspect, (we have came to realise this as adults). So the poor kid has went and inherited both.

OP posts:
AnythingNotEverything · 10/06/2026 18:05

We’re in a similar boat. I have nothing really to add other than trying to identify the triggers, maintain your boundaries, and work with him rather than against him.

Raising kids like ours is so hard on their nervous system. Please remember to take care of yourself too.

Original poster
CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 18:04

TiredYetExhausted · 10/06/2026 17:56

@CoffeeandCakeEnvyits not awful, I've thought the same thing many times. Even debated having another child so that he can have the 'normal' sibling experience. And the guilt of trying, and often failing, to meet both their needs.

Thank you for saying that. Me too, except the risk of a second ND child was too risky, and would disrupt things even further so I chose not to. To be honest dc1 was so demanding he was almost an only child. I'm so pleased I did have dc2, because it made me realise I hadn't caused dc1's issues and led to the diagnosis. For ages I thought I was this really bad Mum who was doing things wrong, and causing the developmental delays, then dc2 came along and did all of those things and I realised it wasn't me. Solidarity to you, parenting is bloody tough.

OP posts:
TiredYetExhausted · 10/06/2026 17:56

@CoffeeandCakeEnvyits not awful, I've thought the same thing many times. Even debated having another child so that he can have the 'normal' sibling experience. And the guilt of trying, and often failing, to meet both their needs.

Original poster
CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 17:49

TiredYetExhausted · 10/06/2026 16:51

Yes this is us. 10 year old with multiple diagnoses and NT 7 year old. It's extremely difficult to balance their conflicting needs and there are few places my ND child will actually go now so I am already dreading the summer holidays! We take the 7 year old out and about as much as possible, but he is of course aware of the things we dont do, like eat together in a restaurant as a family. So I hear you.

It's shit isn't it? I feel bad for saying that, and of course I adore my kids but it isn't what I envisioned. It is like to please one, you have to disappoint the other, except one has triple the reaction, and I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I've had a little chat with my 6 year old after school today, and we're going to do something just us on the weekend. I grew up with the needs of a sibling being put above mine, and I won't have this happen to ny youngest. Sometimes I just envision a NT sibling for him who will just be nice and sweet to him, as awful as that sounds.

OP posts:
TiredYetExhausted · 10/06/2026 16:51

Yes this is us. 10 year old with multiple diagnoses and NT 7 year old. It's extremely difficult to balance their conflicting needs and there are few places my ND child will actually go now so I am already dreading the summer holidays! We take the 7 year old out and about as much as possible, but he is of course aware of the things we dont do, like eat together in a restaurant as a family. So I hear you.

Original poster
CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 16:26

Bump. Hoping to get some more responses dysregulation after school today. 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 12:07

Oh, forgot to mention that we have no outside support apart from CYPS who have told us that he is too young for them to offer CBT.
Family are useless, dm came out with a corker the other day. We were talking about pregnancies; mine were both difficult with both babies in SCBU. She said, " Oh your cousin's wife sailed through hers, both easy healthy babies, and she is in her 40s, but she is so slim and healthy! I had my babies in early 30s and was also slim and healthy. The ignorance from others is astounding, like I have somehow caused his ND.

Just feeling so low.

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeeandCakeEnvy · 10/06/2026 12:03

LizardLore · 10/06/2026 11:28

I feel you OP. It’s so hard. Slightly similar situation here in that I am balancing needs of seriously learning disabled child with typical children.

You don’t mention a partner but if you have one - or another support network who can do some childcare - can you try and get one on one time with each child at the weekend?

For example we have our disabled child enrolled in a group at weekends, so no matter what the other kids get time with one of us that isn’t dominated by his needs, while the other parent takes him to his group. The we try as much as we can to bild in extra one in one time in addition to that, swapping which parent has each child.

It isn’t remotely the whole answer (let me know if you find that!) but it helps a bit.

Thank you so much for replying, it really does help to know others understand that exhausting balancing act. I am so sorry to hear you are in a similar boat,balancing the needs of a seriously learning disabled child alongside typical children must be incredibly challenging and draining for you too. Sending you a lot of virtual support.
I do have a husband, but he works very long hours. We do try our best to split and do the one to one time where possible with each child at the weekends whenever we can. When we're all together, DC1 constantly demands the attention of whichever parent is trying to focus on his younger brother. It feels like no matter how much attention I give him, it is never enough.
Lately, he’s been so angry with me just for giving his younger brother the basic attention he needs. I feel like I am walking on eggshells; choosing my wording so carefully as not to offend him or trigger his rejection sensitivity is absolutely exhausting.
I’ve really noticed lately that he becomes particularly dysregulated when he has to go along with something for somebody else. We recently went to an event specifically for his little brother, which he had been looking forward to for weeks. DC1 had horrendous meltdowns, moodiness, and he even shouted out in a low key outdoor seating area (where we were getting him icecream on his request, "Why do you punch me?!" when absolutely nobody hits him, I felt like crying. We left the cafe, and his little brother ended up crying because we almost had to leave the entire place, which also broke my heart because he is always so genuinely excited for DC1 when we do things DC1 wants to do. Yet, we can go somewhere ten times busier for DC1, and because it’s his choice, he is completely fine. My husband and I had to have a very calm talk with him in the car about whats is and isn't okay to say, but it is just so draining.
If dc1 has had a particularly trying day, he will launch into a baby voice, which is my cue that I need to take him home immediately. School days are just such a massive struggle before and after right now, and I am at my wits end.
He is currently trialling a non-stimulant, and while we haven't reached the therapeutic effect yet, I am just crossing everything that it helps with this side of things. At least we have no side effects so far, so I am holding onto that hope.

OP posts:
LizardLore · 10/06/2026 11:28

I feel you OP. It’s so hard. Slightly similar situation here in that I am balancing needs of seriously learning disabled child with typical children.

You don’t mention a partner but if you have one - or another support network who can do some childcare - can you try and get one on one time with each child at the weekend?

For example we have our disabled child enrolled in a group at weekends, so no matter what the other kids get time with one of us that isn’t dominated by his needs, while the other parent takes him to his group. The we try as much as we can to bild in extra one in one time in addition to that, swapping which parent has each child.

It isn’t remotely the whole answer (let me know if you find that!) but it helps a bit.