To think introducing independence at 8/9yo isn't neglectful?

My son was walking to school alone at his own request at age 7.

We lived in a quiet Surrey village and the school was at the bottom of the garden but he had to walk around the block to get to it. No roads to cross. School rules required an adult to collect him though unfortunately

DD was less independent minded and went to a different school a short drive away. I would however frequently drop her at the closest parking space so she could walk in alone.

Both were independently catching the bus at age 11 to get to their respective secondary schools.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer with this as it depends on the child’s personality and the area you live in. I have only recently allowed my ten year old to go to the park without me, go on a bike ride around the village etc. That felt the right age and he’s got his big brother to oversee some of it if they are at the park together.

I don’t leave him home alone ever, although I know friends who do. When my older child is 14 legally he can care for his sibling while I shoot out for milk.

I don't think either of you is unreasonable, exactly. I wish I were like you but really I am more like your friend. 😅I have a daughter the same age as yours and she is very sensible, but I feel quite sick at the thought of her crossing roads by herself, and in general being completely out of my sight and reach. I am not paranoid about abductions and such things, but I do worry a lot about traffic. We unfortunately live in an area where you have to cross many roads to get to any kind of green space.

I think the saddest thing about modern parenting is 1. Lack of playing out 2. Phones for young children.

Playing out from age 7yrs was the best time of my
life.

It depends on the child’s maturity however age 8yrs not being able to do anything alone I don’t think sets up the child well for future difficulties. If they cannot walk a short distance at that age I would question the parenting. I personally don’t believe that the world is more dangerous than 50yrs ago (excluding social media harm).

A relatively quiet neighbourhood with drugs, stabbings and gangs? Good grief. Are you living on Wisteria Lane?

I agree. I actually think that the most dangerous place for children walking by themselves is outside their own school due to the awful driving of some parents!

Children might be sensible and trustworthy and able to cross roads beautifully but all that goes out of the window when a school run parent suddenly decides to ramp a pavement while you’re walking there! Especially if children are small and can’t be seen to easily from the towering heights of some of the school run tanks you see!

So my decision on my DC walking wasn’t so much based on the trust I had in them, but the dangerous behaviour of others!

It’s like that meme, you can have two kids close in age, one is mature and you trust them, the other you wouldn’t let them hold an umbrella. My oldest was the first and middle the latter.
However 9 would have been too young in the small town we were in. Traffic was insane and a mile to school crossing busy roads.

Times have definitely changed. When I was 7 I would be out for hours every day, sometimes we’d be on our bikes about 2 miles away without my parents knowing. It occurred to me the other day that my 7 year old has never even crossed a road by herself.

I think I would personally like them to still be in sight at all times. Cases like the awful recent one with Athena Strand really take up space in my mind. But I also wouldn’t go so far as to say you are neglectful.

There’s wrong-uns in every country. They all hide in plain sight.

Depends on the child, but personally I wouldn't be comfortable with primary aged. However, our route home isn't the easiest.

I am working abroad temporarily and it is lovely to see the children here walking to and from school on their own, out with friends on bikes, going to shops, etc. It's a smallish city and the drivers here tend to be very vigilant about stopping for pedestrians which no doubt gives parents considerable reassurance. There is also a cultural outlook that all adults are responsible for all children, which seems quite different to the general mindset in the UK.

@LastWord26 The alternative view is let them develop independence over a longer period of time in smaller increments as that reduces risk.

So walking 5 or 10 mins to primary school along known routes with other parents about prepares them for longer journeys to secondary without parents.

You have to let go at some point, and as I said upthread parents have very varying views between ages 8-12.

Problem is, even ‘safe’ neighbourhoods have people who may not be safe in them, or travelling through them. And while it might be extremely rare for awful things to happen, when they do they really are awful.

I am sort of torn on this because I don’t think it depends on the child so much as children become what they have to be. I’ve possibly explained that badly but children aren’t born streetwise; they become streetwise because they are on the streets.

But a lot of it is just an ever changing world: I worry about my children’s maths skills as they aren’t using or counting money in the way I did. So while I would go and choose penny sweets in the corner shop and count and take away without realising it, my children don’t do this. Even just going to the shop isn’t a routine thing any more with Morrisons deliveries and the like.

I never allowed my DD to walk home from primary school on her own, why would I if I was available to collect her and then remove any unnecessary risk. She was fine with it and never actually asked. She always knew I trusted her, it was others I didn’t trust.

I allowed my DS to come home alone from primary school if he was riding his bike. He wanted the independence so we compromised that he took his bike to and from school with no stops either way. We also tracked his phone, so knew immediately if he ever needed help.

Kids don’t need too much independence at 9 years old, their safety comes first. There’s plenty of time for developing independence when they reach secondary school.

@popocatepetlgoesboom OP, your friend is right to keep her child safe first, independence second.

Is she some kind of Victorian laydeee? Who could possibly be shocked by something so mundane?

But why does it matter what she does, she will do her and you do you and you will both be happy with your choices

We dont all have to be the same

I agree with your approach. When I was growing up, my parents were considered rather over-protective. But by today's standards, they would be seen by some as shockingly neglectful. 😅In reality, I think they got most things right and I follow a similar approach. Constant supervision with no opportunity to develop independence does most children no favours whatsoever IMO. It is one aspect of childhood that has changed dramatically in the past couple of decades and definitely not for the better.

I'm always shocked when parents refuse to allow their 10-year-old child to walk to school alone in a safe neighbourhood but at the same time hand over a smartphone to that same child with very little oversight. In my view, the latter is considerably more dangerous than the former for many reasons.

Your child / your choice but if you are allowing him to go to the shops I can’t see why you won’t let him out to play , I can’t see much difference from a safety pov .

This is very child specific. Kids develop at different rates in this regard.

Of course you must risk assess, and teach your child to risk assess and teach them (and role play) what to do in the event of a problem.

I agree that children should gradually be extended more and more independence in increments, the aim is to build a fully functioning adult by the time they leave home.

It’s an ongoing journey though, my DC are at uni, some of their peers are entirely independent and some need their parents help for every little thing.

Having met teenagers who are 15 and are unable to make a cup of tea or a simple bowl of pasta with a jar of sauce or cheese on top (no disabilities or SEN) I think you are doing a good thing.

independence doesn’t come instantly and gradually teaching age appropriate skills seems to me to be a sign of good parenting to help kids mature and develop into autonomous adults

Your friend needs to watch "Old Enough" on Netflix. Kids aged 4ish being sent on errands to the shops etc (obviously the hidden camera crew is there and so there is no real danger). It's really funny.

We all make our own risk judgements.

I am happy for my 9 year old to be home alone for up to half an hour - I am confident he is sensible and knows what to do in case of fire etc

But I wouldn't let him play out - that feels a lot less safe to me. I know a lot of people on here would make the opposite judgement

He doesn't generally walk to school alone as he has a younger sibling but I have sent him in alone when younger one wasn't well. But we live on the same street as the school and there are no roads to cross