Help!!! Child nursery meltdown

We had this when our little girl started what helped was splitting her 2 full days into 4 x mornings for a few weeks and she settled after about 3 weeks of doing this!

So maybe little and often for preschool would work- is it in another setting? If it is a fresh start might be good?!

Take him out. Aim for a preschool in September. Mine is going to a mornings only one, just three hours. He's also got a childminder who he's very attached too - nurseries just aren't for everyone?

It’s just not suiting your child at all. I would definitely pull them out. find somewhere else that may be a better fit. Perhaps a Montessori nursery or a forest school or childminder /nanny.

My youngest ds cried everyday of nursery, for 3 years, every day of reception, every single day of year 1 so far, its absolutely relentless!!

I think he’s telling you he doesn’t like it. I’d see if you can try him somewhere else. It can be any reason, like maybe the smell of the cleaning products they use or a cupboard that looks scary that you’ll never know. Maybe he just needs somewhere else.

My brother is in his 30s and still remembers the trauma of being made to go to a nursery he hated. We persisted sending him (i cared for him a lot, long story) because it was a lovely place! Nice staff nice facilities. As an adult he explained it was something with the routine / setup that he hated, some kind of rule he always got wrong and stressed him out. Something that would have seemed totally innocuous.

My DC1 hated their nursery and cried everyday. It was very difficult as we needed them to there two days a week due to work but they definitely weren’t impressed. I wish I had explored other options, something like a term time only pre school (which I think are sometimes a bit quieter and less overwhelming) or a local childminder. Do you have the option for either of these things OP?

Saying all of this, my DC1 immediately settled at school. We never had any crying and they hugely thrived in that environment - part of it was the quieter set up, part of it was going 5 days a week and having consistency and part of it was just being older. You are not doing anything wrong sending your child to nursery, guilt is a very hard emotion but try not to let it overwhelm you as it sounds you’re doing your absolute best by your little boy.

My DD hated going to nursery and reception class but settled when she was there and then would complain when I picked her up that she wanted to stay longer!

I'd say try doing the full day for a few weeks. At both nurseries I used the mornings were more structured and they'd start activities which would carry on into the afternoon as most children were there from 8-4 or later, and then afternoons were a bit of a jumble in the toddler room as some kids went for a nap while both of mine didn't sleep so would play instead. You're paying for it so you might as well use it!

@Floppyearedlab She has another nursery option.

I think dc are ok with less time at 3. Mine just went in the mornings. Seemless into school.

I used to work in a nursery. I would never send a child for any less than 2 days otherwise they aren't there long enough to get used to it. I absolutely think there's a benefit to them going after 2 years though as it's good preparation for eventually spending the whole week at school.

Which 2 days a week is he going? This matters as there could be a huge gap between sessions which affects them settling in.

What does drop of look like? Is it a quick goodbye, do you sneak out, do you go in and try to help him settle?

What does pick up look like? Tears, relief, happy?

What is the room like when you drop him off, I used to pick my DS up at 12:30 and he would be playing in the dark on his own while all the other kids sleep which i don't think would be very nice at the start of the session.

All those saying ‘take him out’ without offering an alternative solution aren’t really helping OP.
She works nights. She needs to rest before her shift. Do you honestly recommend she stays awake 24 hours doing childcare and then working? Because that isn’t sustainable.

Definitely, I would take him out.

I was thinking to start with it might be that 2 days isn’t enough - then you said he only does 4 hours on those days, so i definitely think that’s contributing to it! He’s not there enough to actually get into a routine etc. it might be harder to find someone to play with as the other kids will have been there since the morning, so will already be playing together.

When my sons were little, we found that they got far more upset with me dropping them to nursery than they did when my husband dropped them. Someone up thread suggested getting someone had to drop him off, I think that’s worth a try!

How soon after he gets home do you go to work? I’m wondering if he’s associating going to nursery as coinciding with the going to work when he gets home? Obviously if you don’t start til after he’s gone to bed it’s not likely the case, but if it’s collect him, go home, and you head off to work, you could try mornings instead if you aren’t going to up his days?

@Bryonyberries The dc is nearly three but I agree with you about playing cooperatively. It’s usually age 3-4. However any good nursery should split dc up into quieter craft activities and keep the noisy boys doing other things. I didn’t notice noise and chaos in either nursery my DDs attended. Not sure parents would have paid the fees for chaos at the private school. I’d have moved them if the nursery staff allowed this for prolonged periods. One nursery had a letter of the day or sound of the day and DDs, effectively, did phonics at 3. Most dc managed to sit on the floor and join in.

My DS has been struggling at his nursery. It’s busy and loud. Sometimes he’s okay but he often has to come home early because he struggles to cope. He also has speech delay. We have found another nursery with fewer kids, more space and better understanding of SEN. We are hoping he can start there next term. Have you looked at alternative settings?

If he doesn’t need to be there take him out for the summer and try a new preschool next year.

Toddler rooms are loud and chaotic and a lot of two years olds struggle to settle. Obviously some love it but this is the age group that can struggle most. The best age for the child (as opposed to what parents need) is preschool age as this is the stage they really start to enjoy playing with others and sharing isn’t so difficult for them.

I think 2x per week is actually harder on kids than every day. They don’t really ever get into a routine with it or spend enough time there that make proper friends or connect with the staff.

Any change you could increase his hours?! Sounds counterproductive but may just help.

@irishchick93It’s very upsetting isn’t it? I had exactly this with DD2. Total tantrum when I dropped her off every day. Banging on the door to be let out and really crying. She had been to another day care nursery and was fine. This one started at age 3 and dc transferred to our local school, so it had made sense to start there. Other dd had loved it there. After a term, I gave up.

We started her at a private school nursery (in effect the school) and she never cried once! Not once. Went in to the room with me and chose an activity, and she was happy! The school had a play uniform and it was like going to school. I think she wanted to be like her older sister in terms of uniform and school. So, I would move him if you have the chance. I don’t think there’s anything to lose and all to gain. If his language isn’t great, he does need to go to nursery.

Kids that young don't need 'socialising'.

They need consistent care from one or two caregivers and opportunities to play in a park or soft play from time to time.

Why are you doing this? Looks like a collosal waste of money to me, and he'll be missing routines. E.g. they might have circle time first thing in the morning and talk about what they'll be doing that day. They might be going to have snacks or play in the garden at 4 and you're removing him.

My son was very upset when he was only attending 2 days per week. Funnily enough, going for 3 days helped him settle down faster.

He's 3 now and we're debating putting him in 4 days a week but think we'll hold off until January.

This nursery might just be a poor fit for him and after a year I'd probably look for a fresh start in September.

I would remove him as he’s clearly miserable .
Try pre school later .

Pull him out, he sounds deeply unhappy - the crying and not eating is him communicating he is unsettled in the setting.
Preschool place from September sounds worth trying.
My children only went to preschool at 3, and for 2/3 mornings only, and were absolutely fine in school. Children need their parents in the main - socialising will come in time and is not needed at this age in a nursery setting.

If he's not getting there til 12, what time is the nap? maybe getting in earlier would help?It's such a tricky one isn't it, a couple of my children had separation anxiety too and the guilt of leaving them is so much.

Is it hard for him to go half way through the day? Do most of the children go in in the morning? I imagine arriving for lunch (that he doesn’t like) and nap time isn’t as fun as arriving first thing when activities are all go.
If you are paying for a full day and trust your friend who sees him there and says he is ok then I’d be tempted to try that.
I’d also try having someone else drop him off and see if that makes a difference.

I think separation anxiety is a bit of an umbrella term, and it can certainly be precipitated or prolonged by genuine distress in a particular environment. The fact that it only happens with this nursery, that it happens every time and that he is mentioning it every time he gets in the car, to me suggests a specific aversion to that place. Bear in mind also that nursery staff will almost always tell parents that their children were fine as soon as they left, and that it isn’t always the truth.