Would you report neighbour?

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

"The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle"

Does nobody else think this is a bit of a worry?

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

Typical MN. Parents who drink around their kids, give their kids screens, never take their kids out etc etc etc are constantly vilified on here. But the second an op raises a concern about all of these things she is sad, weird, nosy, needs a hobby, is a peeping Tom.

Not much point in reporting as although it’s shitty parenting it provably doesn’t meet grounds for neglect. But why on earth people insist on sticking the boot into the op when she’s genuinely concerned about a very young child I don’t know.

Same here. I would talk to the NSPCA to see what they would suggest.

I am retired now so I am home all day but it’s been a while since I have had any children around but I used to be a childminder and found it exhausting, we went for walks in the woods, to the park, to the shops, we did messy play, painting, crafting, play doe and sand, read books and sang songs and I remember it being quite full on though this was 20 years ago.
My neighbour is at home all day with her little one who I’d say is almost 2 if not already.
She has no nets so unintentionally I can see into her living room from my bedroom which I sit in a lot as it’s sunny and I like to read by the window.
I notice she sits on the sofa looking at her phone almost all day and the little one just plays by himself, he has the telly on and she doesn’t play with him, doesn’t talk to him or look at him and he spends all day playing on the floor by himself.
Occasionally she will sit in the garden when the weather is nice with a full bottle of wine and put a few toys on the lawn while she sits on the lounger chair music in ears on staring at her phone.
The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle and then they’ll go in.
I hear the little one crying from about 6:30-7 so presumably she has put him to bed and he’s crying himself to sleep.

I don’t know them so haven’t spoken to them previously but I did see the mum and toddler in the local convenience store and said hello to the boy and mum said he doesn’t say anything yet.
I feel so sad that he spends all day watching tv and playing on the floor on his own while his mum ignores him on the sofa head in phone, I’ve no idea what she does but it’s constant.
No wonder he can’t talk if he’s never interacted with.

I have never seen anyone go to the house, she’s a very socially awkward and keeps herself to herself.
She has a husband but he leaves early and comes home late so it’s just the two of them all day.

Would you report for neglect?

"I also do feel very sad for that child and sad for the mother who doesn't look like she's coping very well."

Exactly - this is not a happy situation for Mother or Child and I am not surprised the OP is worried.

Yeah I quite like the human instinct. I think we've lost something as a society where we don't look out for our smallest members. The question is where to draw the line of leaving it vs getting involved. I think this is more of a 'leave it' scenario but still, nice that someone cares.

As I said on an earlier post I had quite bad depression a few years back and some very kind neighbors intervened. Invited me out. Sat me down and told me to get help. It was actually lovely as it came from a place of kindness. I did get help and I'm much better now.

I think your concern is legitimate and I understand why you're worried for the little boy. If he were old enough to be in nursery or school I would talk with them

I think it's clear you don't think he's in danger. The mum might be unsupported, depressed, maybe she didn't have a positive childhood with all the lovely normal experiences you facilitated as a childminder.

The fear with Social Services or Children's Services or whatever is always that some middle class people with clipboards are going to come and take your child/baby away and make judgements about your life.

In our school, as in many others in the UK, we use a reporting system called My Concern, this is really useful for building a picture around a child and seeing the patterns and ways in which they can best be supported, or where something might be a one off or actually lots of little things add up. I don't really know what's in place for pre-school babies and toddlers.

I lived in Flying Start areas when my children were new and little so I had free access to lots of parenting courses, baby play, talk and sing, baby massage, all sorts. And I know it wasn't aimed at me because I already saw value in nursery rhymes and reading to my babies and chatting to them with full words and sentences and getting down on the floor to fully engage with them. Because that was my norm and that's what I saw from family members and other mums around me and was what I remember as an older sibling of many. Some cultures and communities don't do it so much. Some parents who've not seen it modelled won't do it naturally. Some people don't do loads of research about parenting and some do.

My hope would be that this mum does make the change and engage as she'd get so much more out of the relationship too. Mainly though, the little boy will have a better time of it with speech and language development, social skills and emotional wellbeing.

Is there a way to chat with her and maybe invite them both over to spend a little bit of time at yours or at the park or in your garden? A chance to connect with the mum but also to model (in a very gentle and natural way) talking and playing with the boy, singing nursery rhymes, word games etc. Doesn't have to be anything big or fancy, something like "I spotted these bubble wands on offer at the shop and thought he'd enjoy it" and blow them in the garden while he chases them and talking about bubbles "ooo that's a big bubble, can you make it pop?" "yay, POP!"

I see the comments from people saying mind your own business but I genuinely think your concern has come from a place of care. Of course as mums we all have down time, we have the moments of scrolling or drinking, but it sounds like this family aren't also getting the fun interactive stuff and that's sad. Also, you've come here for advice, you've not chatted in the supermarket tutting about this mum, I believe that you want to help the mum to make a change.

We have so many 3 year olds come to nursery with lower levels of speech and language development (and toileting and so on) than children the same age in the same deprived area a decade ago. What you've described in this household in a huge part of that. She's probably caring well for him in every other way - clean clothes and bedding, good food, tooth brushing etc but that lack of play and communication really does matter.

I think it's a two pronged thing: 1. you building a relationship with the neighbour so there's someone she can trust and that can model positive communication, play and cheap days out (park, beach, museum) with the boy and 2. give the NSPCC a call for some specific advice around who you could talk to.

This advice from Action for Children could be helpful and suggests giving the NSPCC a call: Get help if you're worried about someone else’s child

"The little boy is just playing by himself and she will drink the full bottle"

Does nobody else think this is a bit of a worry?

More concerning that you are home all day

You asked how she knows; that's clearly what she is basing her assertion on so I was highlighting it to you.

Obviously it could have been 6 months ago, or a year even? The kid could be reciting Shakespeare by now, who knows?

The OP is describing her concern about the current situation so I think it's reasonable to assume the information is current. Given that a toddler's speech progresses massively in 6 months it would seem odd to include information from a meeting 6 months ago.

How often do we hear people say they wish they'd done something to help a child.

OP sees the activity in a home with a child whose mother, I assume, isn't interacting with, and is drinking. OP had a human reaction and I don't think she's being unreasonable to consider bringing it to someone's attention.

I'd be concerned as well, OP.

I think there are a lot of unhelpful comments on here. Whilst I partially agree that it's probably not your business, I also do feel very sad for that child and sad for the mother who doesn't look like she's coping very well.

If she genuinely doesn't have her own friends or family to call upon and she may be really lonely and you're in a fairly unique position to do something about that being her neighbour.

Rather than reporting her, why don't you do something? Why don't you call around? ask her around for a cup of tea? She may be really glad to have someone to speak to.

That could have been 6 months ago? She knows nothing about them