Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

Get someone to write a letter saying she has body dysmorphia and needs to wear make up for her self esteem and in order to attend.

Private therapist should do that for you no problem.

She clearly has serious issues with her self esteem and physical appearance.

I'd work with the school, explain the above and that you are trying to work with her on these issues. Maybe counselling?

The school will need to do what they have to, but will feel more respectful if they know you are on their side and trying to get to the bottom of it.

This is where I have come to.

I don't actually think the school should put time and energy into such trivial things.

Luckily mine is leaving this week!

Lashes and makeup policies are a bit 1930s. I'm not sure facial piercings are appropriate for school at that age, though.

I have great sympathy with schools that have a zero make-up policy. However, zero make-up doesn't mean zero grooming! And imho it's way better to spend the time and money on a fantastic haircut, an effective skincare régime (consult a dermatologist) and some subtle treatments (eyelash dye, waxing) to make the most of oneself.

You can do much more than just ‘discussing’ with her. You can remove things from her, stop her doing things, stop money. Actual consequences to her behaviour. But you know that. Are you really going to be ok with the school removing her in year 10 because you’re worried about her self esteem?

100% agreed. If a student is well presented, always does her home work, focuses during lessons and is well behaved what difference does make up and piercings make. Ones make up, hair and piercings etc should be their own choice. Schools should not have any say in ones appearance (and uniform is different) this is too personal. I do wonder when the schools here are going to move on to the 21st century. And before anyone says workplaces have uniform rules - you can choose where you work. School is compulsory - teenagers experiment.

I would let her face her own battles and just have a sensible, calm conversation about the possible consequences. I would not start removing any make up, pocket money etc. I agree school rules should be followed but not when it comes to personal choices like this. Just let her be her.

Ok, she feels she is adult, in that case take her out of school and insist she finds a job and contributes to the household- the she can wear make up and false eyelashes to her heart's content. Point out she has to be 18 for a piercing to be legal without parental consent. Take her photo to every piercing place in town , and make it clear you will sue if they give her a lip piercing before she is 18.

I'd say that at 16, and being held back a year, is likely now playing a part in her behaviour. She's probably the oldest in her year (unless others have been held back a year) and the difference between Year 10 and 11 students is showing. She must also realise that if she hadn't been held back a year, she'd be leaving school in a few short weeks. That must be a hard pill to swallow!

I agree with another poster, she's 16, old enough to understand the consequences, not only to her, but the detrimental effect it has on you too. I also think you need a conversation with her regarding the private school....is she trying to get herself suspended because she doesn't want to be there? Are there alternatives? College for example?

Being summer born, doesn't automatically mean a child should be kept back a year. Unless there were real concerns regarding her development, academic ability etc, then I'm not sure why this happened. In the majority of cases summer born babies catch up with their peers, and I think this is exactly what's happened here.

Does your nearest comprehensive have places available?

I would check that out and see if she can have a visit. She might see lots of DC who look like her.

Then she has a choice. If she wants to keep her make up etc, then her private school will possibly suspend or expel her. So this would be her new school. She wouldn’t have an individual look in the way she does at private school, but she would have a tribe. Her choice. Keep the make up and change schools, or keep the school and drop the make up.

Up to her.

I'm all for backing the school over genuine behaviour problems and homework - but this kind of thing pisses me off to be honest. She is 16, not 12 and her makeup looks nice (taking your word for it OP). The school has rules, which I understand they want to enforce - but why do they insist on making it the parents problem!?

Others have said cut off her phone, ground her, take away her allowance and all her money - why? To cause a giant fight at home over something thats nothing to do with home life? All that does is damage your relationship with her and disturb the harmony of your household. Its the schools battle that they want you to fight for them.

OP how are the school if you or your child has a problem? Do they make as much effort as they are expecting you to, to resolve situations on your behalf?

This is a good idea. Help her to focus on what she wants out of the last year of her secondary education..

Is she likely to be amenable to logical argument?

You can lay out the facts
-the school has a no makeup and jewellery rule
-she won't be allowed to stay in school if she wears them
-she needs to go to school to get GCSEs
-she needs GCSEs to do <whatever it is she wants to do>

and see what she suggests. If she suggests something like "the school needs to change their rule" you can ask how she would go about making that happen e.g. the school might be open to a request with legitimate reasons.

Rules around makeup etc are not necessarily all about makeup but more about teaching kids about boundaries, structure and discipline. It's a lifeskill as whatever happens in life we will all have to do things we don't want to whether it's sticking to speed limits, doing the dull bit of your job or doing the washing up. What kind of lesson are we setting kids if parents tell them they can pick and choose what rules they adhere to?

She’s 16, I think it’s completely unreasonable to stop her wearing make up. Leave her to make her own decisions as to how she wants to look. She understands the consequences. Also surely this is only an issue for a few more weeks at most if she is 16? Maybe the lip piercing could wait until after exams as a celebration?

I would visit some other schools with her with a possibility of her moving schools - this is traumatic ime and I’d be surprised if she wanted to do that so might shake her into following the rules more willingly
Also I would visit different colleges where she might continue her studies so if she has something to look forward to or to aim for might make her appreciate why she is at school and doing exams -thinking of her future could be exciting
i would imagine art or fashion schools everyone is demonstrating their unique identity

Trying to control it and take away her make up is bad advice. She is likely to refuse to go to school because what is underlying it is a self esteem issue.

@IcarusFallingDown half of the girls are wearing makeup in ds class (y8). They have strict rules for clothes, hats, piercings but makeup is not on the list.

I would tell your dd that you agree that wearing makeup is not impacting her learning when in school but that irl you have to compy with rules you don't agree with. Some workplaces have strict codes- you can take that as an example. You have to comply even if you don't agree.

I would be firmer than you though. If she's wearing concealer they won't notice but fake lashes are noticeable. If she doesn't comply I would confiscate her phone, money and everything else. She's got one job: school. Or switch to a state school.

@SpudGunToo don’t be a di*k, there is no need.

You are falling into the trap of seeing school and home as two separate entities. They are
not. Whatever she chooses to do at school she is also disobeying your wishes at home. You need to take it all away from her and step up the consequences at home too. It doesn’t matter if she agrees with the rules or not, they are the rules. Such is life.

No you really can’t! Not from anywhere that you should be getting piercings from. I say this as a teenager with a nose and lip ring!!! Unfortunately I can’t offer much advice because they just expelled me….

There you are then. That’s the very first question we all need to ask - ‘why?’

Because she has low self esteem and body issues.

So taking away her make up etc would be a dreadful idea. She would likely stop going into school.

I think she needs to make her own choices and then experience the consequences at school.

As her parent - conversations and active listening. Curiosity. Empathy. Interest. Seek to understand where she is at without trying to force anything. Support around her self esteem.

I’d give her two choices.

She complies or leaves- then has to do a college course and take GCSE Maths and English alongside.

Maybe a bit drastic but as you’re not going to remove her make up, phone and money, I don’t see what other choices you have.

Normal teenage behaviour back in my day and I'm only 30. Honestly I agree with her. God we looked bloody ridiculous with orange faces and sweeping brushes for eyes. You can't tell the women who dressed like that from the women who didn't wear makeup now. It's not about education, it's about rules for rules sake and I can't get behind that.

Its not even like we're talking about super short skirts showing her pants, it's just makeup.

Personally I'd just leave her to it and tell school I can't pin her down and pull them off, and neither can they. she's made her decision please stop pestering me about it. Let me know if her grades drop or she gets caught smoking or shagging a teacher but quite frankly I have bigger things to worry about when raising teenagers. And really so do they, how about they focus on cracking down on bullying but schools rarely do because that's being done by big aggressive boys and it's easier to go on at a girl that is trying to feel comfortable in her skin when the world is telling her to criticise herself constantly.

But I'd have a word with her about the potential consequences. Many detentions means no prom sometimes. And also make an effort to boost her confidence.

I think, if you trust that your daughter is generally able to understand consequences, you probably need to discuss - calmly but factually - with her those consequences (including that it may result in her being asked to leave) and then let her make her own choices. The school have their sanctions and she will have to weigh up how much of it she is willing to accept, and how strongly she feels to keep this going

Realistically, you cannot force her to do anything. You can be heavy-handed if you like and take her make-up and phone but it sounds as if this doesn't really work and will simply cause trouble at home. You may find she complies to a degree, and enough to tolerate the final year, but if she really really won't you cannot make her, regardless of any futile punishments.

If the school is going to police a 16-year-old girl's makeup, I'd be tempted to tell them she wears concealer because of severe acne and eye makeup to distract from the scarring and ask whether they're really prepared to force her to come to school feeling self-conscious about her appearance.