Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

Could being held back a year have something to do with her low self esteem? I have two summer born DS’s and both have thrived and have been fine.
My 16 year old is just finishing GCSE’s and is very ready to move on, over the last 6 months he has really developed in maturity I imagine he would really struggle if he was only just about to start GCSE’s watching people his age progress.

I do agree with posters saying maybe another school or college for GCSE’s so your DD can be somewhere she feels she can be more herself with less strict rules.

I went to school in a New Labour progressive school with a hippy headteacher who liked children expressing themselves so this sort of thing was not only allowed but in fact the norm. It was the height of emo/goth/scene kid culture in the 00s so loads of us had excessive make up, crazy coloured hair and indeed facial piercings.

I got my first lip piercing at 13 behind my mum’s back, she went ballistic but I refused to remove it. I then got another on the other side - “snake bites” and followed this up with nose rings on either side, septum ring, a bridge piercing, more lip piercings, my neck, wrist and even my nipple! Totally against the law but I went to same piercer who I think just thought it was Christmas when I walked in…

My school was like Lord of the Flies. Not directly linked to the fact we could (and did) walk around with rainbow coloured hair but I don’t think it helped. Uniform rules like this help them adapt to the real world. Sure, businesses can’t discriminate except they absolutely do. Very few are hiring the person with pink hair and facial piercings.

She either has to comply with the rules of school or go to a college that has different rules.

She has a right to express her individuality but an organization has a right to set its own rules and standards.

So she has to choose which of these two things matters more to her.

It makes a difference because the school have rules and choose to enforce them.
The parent chose to put their child in a private school and pay a lot of money for all the benefits of that - smaller classes, more individual tuition, better behaved classmates, more sports, more extra curricular activities, etc.
The flipside of that is that the school has "standards" and "rules" about how the pupils behave including how they dress. Now these rules and standards may be out of step with the times but they are nonetheless what the parent signed up to for their child and seemed quite happy with, right up until it affected their child.

I would ask the school what they propose to do if she continues e.g. would they expell her? Then I would explain to your daughter that all groups/workplaces etc have rules for inclusion, spoken and unspoken and that if she continues she will meet the natural consequences (whatever the school said they would do) and that you won't step in to prevent that happening since she has chosen this. Then invite her to think carefully about what that might mean for her and consider whether false eyelashes are more important.

If the school has no limit (i.e. no real consequences for not following the rule) then I would be saying to the school that maybe they need one since a clever student like your daughter has figured that out. Where she perhaps is not quite so clever is that often bending the rules is tolerated whereas defiantly opposing them becomes a stand off which the school can't afford to lose. But maybe she wants to try on the identify of the rebel?

She sounds fine though, testing the limits which is pretty normal teenage behaviour.

I wouldn't give this much headspace TBH. I would calmly emphasise that if part of any education/work community one will usually need to make compromises about appearance and leave it at that. She can deal with the detentions etc. A parent doubling down and confiscating stuff is likely to further entrench a teenager's position, and will damage your relationship with her unnecessarily.

I agree as well that I would offer to pay for the facial piercing on the understanding that she waits until the end of YR11 - I did this with my elder DC (septum) and have the same understanding with my younger DC (eyebrow), and this worked as they're both a bit tight.

Mumsnet
"Kids today are absolutely feral and have no discipline, the schools have to do something".
School
"OK we're suspending your child for not following the school rules that you signed up to when she started here"
Mumsnet
"It's not fair the school are making my child unhappy with their stupid rules"...

Make up/lashes and piercings are perfectly acceptable in business/work places

But are they appropriate in Yr 10, which is where this girl is? Some Yr 10s will still be only 14. Should 14yos have piercings and false lashes?

(And piercings won't be appropriate in all workplaces, for safety reasons.)

This is one of the downsides of choosing a private school which works for her other needs but which have extreme rules. You do not learn less well if you have make up on.
Maybe it needs a multi pronged approach.
Speak to the school, talk about her confidence issues to them, ask for time to work on it. Do they have a counselling service? If so use it. Involve her in some meetings, at sixteen she should be being encouraged to take steps towards independence.
Talk to her in detail about the possible consequences of continuing to rebel, having to move school, reducing her chances of doing well at exams which reduces her next step options. She only has to get through a year, break that down to days and find a way of marking them off.
Get her whatever help is needed in tackling the underlying feeling of being unattractive. From what you have said the routine of putting on her face might be soothing in itself. Either the ritual or the mask she creates may be props to help her face the world.
We are not far off the long summer holiday, alongside any other things can you encourage her to have no make up days? To develop a skincare routine without make up? To move towards less make up gradually?
If all else fails can you argue that this is a necessary adaptation for her ND?

And tell the school that's what you are doing

Could you reach a compromise of more natural makeup for school for the next year and offer to take her for a lash lift & tint to stop her using the falsies? If she’s only got a year left I’d try and do what you need to keep both her and the school reasonably happy.

My DD was very rebellious at school because of what she perceived as petty rules. In the end, she realised that it was a system that she was part of, and used school as a means to an end. She’s very intelligent and had a career path mapped out that required good grades and positive school reports so she played the game.
I would be pointing out to your DD that by refusing to follow the rules, no matter how petty, she is targeting herself as a troublemaker by the very people who she may need to support her in her chosen career. BTW, a make up or nail / lash technician isn’t a career path, it’s a job that at best will provide a mediocre income working unsociable hours.
I would also be firm with her - once you are able to comply with the rules of the school we are paying a lot for you to attend, then we will return your phone - type of conversation. Don’t get dragged into an argument about it. Her refusal to comply with the rules show a level of immaturity but it could also be a result of her being kept down a year in school.

Is she doing well academically? Is her behaviour at school disruptive?

Have you asked the school to explain how her eye make up and false lashes are preventing her from doing her school work? Will a piercing also mean she can’t pass her exams?

These kind of petty uniform rules need challenging. Make up/lashes and piercings are perfectly acceptable in business/work places, ACAS has guidelines for employers on not discriminating against employees with piercings and tattoos. If I were you @IcarusFallingDown I’d ask for a meeting with school and turn up with dramatic eye make up, fluffy lashes and a big nose ring and ask them why it’s not ok for your daughter to have bodily autonomy and why they think they can dictate something that has no bearing on her behaviour or academic performance.

She’s 16 - get her eye lashes tinted and get some decent tinted moisturiser. If she doesn’t want to tow the line then she leaves and goes to the tech side of 6th form next year to do GCSEs with them. Slightly less extreme but I have a dc who hates school uniform - they occasionally go in pe kit instead - I don’t mind this but we have an agreement that if they’re caught/reprimanded they have to go back to standard uniform no questions and accept the accompanying punishment with no drama. I really pity teachers these days.

This? You are in charge. Until she's paying her own way she does what you say. Have you been quite soft on discipline at home & led her to thinking there are no consequences for bad behaviour?

Also to add to this my daughter was in a terrible place also with severe social anxiety and getting her into school each morning was my priority - whilst she was there she worked hard was always respectful she just had multiple piercings and an extremely short skirt. In fairness to her teachers (the ones who knew her) they would just say hoops out or skirt down as they walked past her. It was the teachers that didn’t know her that would give her the detentions.

my personal advice is to allow her to do what she is doing and accept the consequences no arguing back etc
it will all be a distant memory and such a nonsense soon

Oh no, not a state school!!

Tbh, many state academies pour all their energies into hunting and disciplining minor uniform infractions like this.

The issue here is she is 16 and has outgrown school. Everyone else her age is leaving this week. Having another whole year to go is the issue.

I believe pointless rules that affect your bodily autonomy and integrity ought to be ignored yes. However I have no desire to raise obedient automatons with no ability to question things they don’t agree with.

She’s incredibly arty so she wants to do a fashion course next or makeup or nail and lash technician.

Private school sounds like a waste of money in that case. Tell her you'll pull her out and send her to state school if wearing false eyelashes is that important to her. Every minute the poor teachers have to spend dealing with this is time taken from other students.

If she is good in every other aspect then pick your battles.

its a silly rule and one she won’t have to worry about after GCSE.

To add my niece suffered terribly with mental ill health with self harm and her make up was her mask - she’s now well and barely wears any

Yes, this.

I don't agree with posters who say that she needs to learn to follow all rules laid down by authorities, no matter how pointless they are.

This is a good chance for her to learn a different lesson: how to work around pointless rules, how to be a bit sneaky and compromise, so that you get a measure of what you want (eg makeup) without losing other stuff you want (staying at your school).

I had the same with my daughter - I advised her they were the rules and if she chose to break them then she had to accept the consequences. She had numerous lunch time and after school detentions in yr 10 and 11 it was what it was - now she’s at a fantastic college where they can wear what they want and the learning environment is mutually respectful.

I would go this way. I would agree with her about silly school rules that appear to be just for the sake of saying no and heard control. Maybe a lash lift and tint, and a more natural approach to skin so they don’t notice. I would say that it might be best to get the lip piercing after school so she can keep it in (so it doesn’t heal up) and focus on her GCSEs at present. I would offer to pay for that for my daughter if she could wait a bit longer.

Your daughter has outgrown school, maybe consider a sixth form college where she will be treated as a young adult.