Teenager refusing to follow school rules on make-up and piercings

If she's not prepared to bend that's the reality she's facing.

However, I do agree with your point. My daughter is at uni now but when she was at her strict grammar sixth form she (sort of) got away with murder because she was a really good student. It was a very strict school but she was able to bend (not completely break) the rules. So she could wear clothes that were more artsy than the 'business attire' rule. She had loads of piercings and strong make-up but she was so hard working and respectful not one teacher ever mentioned anything.

I agree with you, I said similar further up thread. I would imagine being 16, knowing you are the oldest in the year group, and could be leaving school, but can't for another year, would piss off most 16 year olds! The OP's daughter has 'caught up' with her peers, being summer born, and is ready to leave school, like all the other 16 year olds. I would imagine it's embarrassing for her being the eldest, and people knowing she's older but has been held back a year. It's not going to do much for her self-esteem and self-confidence, so probably not surprising she's now rebelling.

I just spotted that it was a private school. I have no idea of how private schools work so maybe my suggestion of letting them deal with her is wrong.

It's a private school and I suspect they want her to leave.

Whilst I am a big believer in what a child wears to school doesn't affect their learning so it shouldn't matter it is about learning that in life there are somethings we have to do whether we like it or not as it is the rules.

I would let school deal with it as it is their rules that she is breaking and therefore she needs to suffer the consequences.

I would respond to their email to say that you have spoken to her and that she is adamant she will not follow the rules so therefore they should deal with her as they see fit. If this means constant detentions or working in isolation then so be it. She has to learn that sometimes, whether we like it or not we have to follow rules.

However, if they decide to exclude her for it then I would be jumping in to disagree as that is a step too far!

If she’s old enough to make these decisions then she is old enough to bear the consequences. I’d make it clear that whether she agrees or not her school has rules she needs to obey or they will decide what the consequences are. And worse case scenario is she is asked to leave. She could end up repeating another year but if she thinks wearing fake eyelashes is worth it then fine. Also I’d suggest if she’s grown up enough to decide all of this she’s grown up enough to get a job, do her washing and a chunk of house work. You don’t get to play at being an adult.

Yes I think that's a wise way of looking at it
Ops DD needs to work out what her priorities are,.what power she has/does not have, and then decide her next steps

Sure, and that was a strong bargaining chip you held. It was astute of you to realise this and use it to your advantage. Teenagers can be really good at things like this!

OP's DD's situation may be a bit different, but she can still think strategically. It may be that doing her GCSE year elsewhere turns out to be her best option - but she could do it as an active choice rather than being booted out.

Quite. Op has chosen to send her daughter to private school. Unless she picked a particularly progressive one - and it doesn't sound like she has - then her and her DD are stuck with the rules they signed up to.

That said, if her DD wants to go into the beauty industry she surely has the skills and inclination to learn how to apply natural make up well, so that it is not detectable

I agree with this. From the sounds of it, her make-up isn't outlandish and isn't affecting her school work or general conduct and has made her more confident. Workplaces don't tend to manage people's make up and if she's wanting a more arty careerr she's likely okay for piercings too. I'd leave her be.

Inform DD that you will help enforce the rules and that if she gets a lip piecing she will lose her phone. Remove her make up and eye lahes only allowing them back for social outings if she promises not to wear them for school.

Follow through with whatever you say are the consequences. And use whatever discipline measures that matter to her.
Mean business.

Also spend more time with DD. Take her and one law abiding friend out to cimema or shopping, fishing or camping regularly.
Complement her make up when xhe goes out socially but do not give in to her plan for lip piecings and make up for school.

Take DD to the dentist for a check up and ask dentist's view on getting a lip piecing when she leaves school. (Not good for teeth)

OP you sound incredibly soft with her... "I've told her I do not sanction this"? That's not parenting, that's telling her do as you wish but the consequence isn't my problem. She's 15, you can't let her ruin her education because she's insecure about her looks. You've got to be firm, not allow access to money for the piercing and confiscate make up if needs be.

This ^ .

She was held back a year, so she should be in yr11, but is actually in yr10.

There's a comment on here about nail techs making small money. Tell that to Daisy Kalnina at The gelbottle who's personal fortune is £70m in ten years!
However I do think it's worth having a good business education behind you. A' level business studies would be a good shout if your daughter wants to be self employed.

What do you think she would do if the school eventually said if she refuses to comply with school rules they would have no alternative other than to ask her to leave. The trouble is despite the fact your daughter is ND if they allowed one pupil to wear piercings, makeup & false eyelashes they would have to scrap the rules in that respect & have a free for all which would never happen.

Edit.

read updates, so another year at school.

She may end up excluded, is that what she wants?

This ⬆️

No you cannot get any body piercings under the age of 16 without parental consent. They have to be with the minor when they attend. Over 16 they must produce ID. Should she consider tattoos, under 18s are not allowed in tattoo parlours, its illegal to tattoo miners

To which the reply would be "You signed up to this when you paid the fees, if you feel that your child would be better in a different environment then you are free to move them. However, if they wish to stay at St Cake's then they have to follow the rules the same as all the other pupils".

Totally. Sounds like OP agrees with her DD and saying she has issues with self esteem is like a trump card for her to do whatever she likes.

I would say she is not allowed to go to school until she complies with their rules.

Good for her. Schools are wild for expecting young women not to wear makeup for no good reason other than “it’s the rules”. If she later choose to work in a profession where it’s important to maintain a sterile environment so makeup isn’t allowed, then that’s different, but I’ve always rejected silly rules which only exist to exert power and control, and it’s always served me well.

I took this approach to rules and didn't follow all the rules at secondary (eg I refused to wear the proper uniform), but I suspect I got away with it because I was on track for top grades and they needed me for their league table results. Ops daughter can't afford to gamble as it doesn't sound like she's going to get stellar results and she can't afford to retake the year if she's chucked out as she's already a year behind where she should be

She is restless. And possibly should not have been kept back a year. She could have been leaving school by now and I think in her head has already done so.
She is now one of the oldest in her class as opposed to the youngest.

I don’t think you can stop her wearing makeup and the lip piercing. She is rebelling against being at school. And the rules that go with it.

Private schools will be a more particular about how their school is seen. And how the pupils are. They are the walking living breathing advert for it. And if prospective parents ( or other parents who are already paying for their children to go there) see her with makeup, see a lip piercing, the school may be concerned on the impact of that on them. And on other pupils. And largely their reputation. The idea they won’t decide to part company with her is not so wild.
But a way to go yet.

If she wants to go to college she needs the qualifications to do so. But she will need to realise that college will not be like school. It won’t be like a private college. She won’t have the attention from teachers she gets at school, and she might find that a bit of a shock. She wants to be grown up but is cocooned a bit in an exclusive environment.

I might be tempted to take her to the college for a day or so. If they would agree to it. To sit in on a class to see what it would be like.

It doesn't have to be such a stark binary. It's not either 100% comply or 100% rebel. She needs to explore ways to work within the system to get what she wants.

The most successful people I've known in life are not the ones who always stayed within the boundaries because "rules are rules and that's life". They're the ones who studied the set-up, worked out which rules they could bend or circumvent, and managed to game the system to their advantage.

Not easy, but a useful skill to have.